The need to call out homophobia
One of the many many things about homophobia that make me rage is how readily tolerated it is - and how ready people are to excuse it, defend it and deny it.
It saddens me that I need to repeat this - but, if you think gay people are worth less than straight people, if you think we deserve less than straight people, if you think we don’t have the ( Read more... )
Where I now struggle is one, the word phobia. It is such a strong word and I get why it is used in many cases but not all, not where it is a lack of understanding. I don’t want to offend or to hurt anyone. I have lived for six decades with the belief that I meet people as they are, some I like, some I may not but it is not based on their race, religion, the colour of their skin or their sexual orientation.
The second thing I now struggle with is the growing sense of separation. The more I and others fear in speaking, in joining in discussions, the more we start to sense the separation. It took me some time to identify what it was. Even as I type this, I wonder should I? have I said something insensitive, have I hurt someone, have I completely missed the point, and so more and more in discussions elsewhere I keep quiet, not something I am normally know for!
I want to be informed I want to learn, I hope I will never be too old for either, and yes, it is frustrating to be the one giving the explanation, I know that from an area in my own life where there has to be constant explaining, as to why I do something but if I stop, nothing will change, fewer folk will have a chance to change their perception. But if I meet them with distain and anger, at their lack of understanding, they will back off and another opportunity will have been lost.
I hope it is clear that I heartily agree with what you have said here. And yes I hope you keep saying it, I for one will keep reading.
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The thing with phobia is, I think, all the cases I've mentioned in the OP are homophobia. Treating gay people as lesser in anyway, stereotyping or sweeping statements - that's homophobia and largely avoidable if people try.
The thing is, I think, not to conflate homophobia/transphobia with heterosexism/cissexism - which is the societal privilege that is imbued in the very fabric of our culture and needs some working through
The problem with overcoming internalised privilege is people will ALWAYS make mistakes, it WILL happen, unfortunately it's as painful as all hell. It's not an easy road to navigate
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I totally agree that all the cases mentioned in the OP are homophobic, there is no question about that.
And yes conflating can happen, rather too easily at times, I also know I make mistakes, wish I could know it, before I make them but yes I know that. I think my comment would have been best made to a different post but it wasn't.
I have seen the same folk on different forums and blogs, always question in a way that allows for mistakes to be acknowledged, and hopefully repaired and I appreciate the time and energy that takes. When it happens, the potential for change increases greatly, unfortunately, rightly or wrongly, the opposite is also true. The result of the later is a backing away because of the fear that one may say the wrong thing, this is creating the separation I spoke of.
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I think Sparky's earlier description of marginalized people as being like those bruised is fairly apt. Because we know we are bruised and sensitive, we are protective of those places; we hold back and keep space around us to avoid getting hurt.
That you're now feeling a little of that burden of protection and separation means that we're now feeling a little less.
When you tap on the bruise and we yelp instead of just pulling away further, that means, to an extent, we trust you to be an ally. We trust you to take on some of the burden of protection that we always feel, to be aware of how sensitized we are and to be careful not to hurt us. It means that to some extent we believe you when you say that you don't want to hurt us, so we're letting you know that you have so you can stop.
If we thought you were actively trying to harm us, we wouldn't tell you when it hurt. We would hide it to keep from giving you information on how to hurt us more.
We know that if you're not bruised, you're not completely aware of how hard or where you can touch us without hurting us. We know that you're likely to mess up. But we need you to be aware that when you mess up, it isn't a little thing. We've dropped some of our own defenses, and that has opened us to more harm. It hurts. A lot. And we're likely to yell and pull away from you. That doesn't mean we want you to give up and go away; it means we want you to be a little more aware of where the bruises are and to avoid pressing on them.
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I have absolutely no desire to cause hurt; you have given me food for thought, I plan on doing that.
Thank you.
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