The need to call out homophobia
One of the many many things about homophobia that make me rage is how readily tolerated it is - and how ready people are to excuse it, defend it and deny it.
It saddens me that I need to repeat this - but, if you think gay people are worth less than straight people, if you think we deserve less than straight people, if you think we don’t have the ( Read more... )
I've always said there is a difference between ignorance and willful ignorance. And the things I've mentioned? I'd put them waaaaay on the side of willfull ignorance.
Now as to the slips and errors and missteps that any privileged person may make - because privileged DOES mean ignorant and even an ally who has made an effort to educate themselves (and that is step one of being an ally, so if they make a mistake that they could have avoided with basic 101 training, weeeelll again, benefit of the doubt is pretty thin on the ground there) will occasionally stick foot in mouth.
Now, ideally the ally will have a sufficient reputation and history that the people they have just trodden all over will give them the benefit of the doube. Sometimes that won't be the case. And, as I've said before sometimes a polite, productive conversation isn't possible
One thing I try to remember AS an ally myself to other marginalised groups is that sometimes I will screw up and be faced with a reaction I find over the top. I can feel that way because it's not my marginalisation and, as such, I am not emotionally touched by it. In those circumstances I try to remember the context - I remember that this person has probably been hurt by this many many many times before.
I once heard someone referring to the marginalised as "sensitive" but in an interesting way. When someone hits you on the arm, it makes you sore. That spot on your body is bruised and sensitive. Now if lots of people have been beating on that spot with clubs for YEARS that spot is going to be REALLY damn sensitive. So when someone comes along and pokes it, you're probably going to flare up "that freaking HURTS damn it". The poker probably thinks "damn, I only poked you..." but you can't divorce that poke from the years, decades, centuries of smacking that arm has taken.
I think one of our duties as allies to any marginalised person is to recognise that - and recognise that anger is legitimate and why trying to suppress that anger, (or "tone arguments" as they are often called) is usually very counter productive.
When confronted with that I'd strongly advise a quick "I'm sorry, I didn't know that and didn't intend it that way. I will now edit it to remove the offending segment, thank you for telling me." Now, if they keep attacking after a retraction and apology? Well, sadly that's people for you. (Though, I say again, if the item in question is something that is WILLFULLY ignorant then I don't think apology + edit will cover it. But then, an ally shouldn't be pulling that in the first place)
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Precisely my point, and I'm not talking about willful ignorance. I get where you're coming from, I agree sometimes anger is called for, I agree none of us are saints, and I know full well my temper has blown too at times. However, I think when it was uncalled-for in response to some subjective detail the other person *could not have known* beforehand, I owe them an apology, and not vice-versa. It's not fair, IMO, to make someone who simply doesn't know responsible for damage inflicted by those who really are willfully ignorant, and thereby make excuses for my own rudeness and inappropriate behavior - that's just childish. Fact is, people are being intimidated and silenced who (IMO) should not be, and that's a sad thing. And fact is, if I'm behaving like an ass, then people who would have stopped to understand me won't be willing to listen anymore, and some of them will end up hating me. But they won't hate me because I'm queer, they'll hate me because I'm being an ass.
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