Growing up gay part # 3: the Battlescarred
Back here I made a post about coming out gay. 
mjules made a good point about another category of GBLT people coming out other than experience/inexperienced I and Plaid Adder referred to.
I don’t know how to refer to them, there are few labels I can give that does not carry negative connotations that are underserved. “Angry” would be accurate - but it’s so habitual to demonise anger, even when it is reasonable. “Wounded” would also be accurate - but it suggests a level of victimhood that I am not happy with. The same applies to “hurt.” “Defensive” implies touchiness that is most unfair. Even "battle scarred" is not inappropriate - since very few of us have managed to live without physical, emotional or mental scars from homophobia. I am going to use “angry” because it has the least negatives, but I am not happy with it.
Sometimes, someone will come out to you and they don’t seem nervous or afraid - or experienced and casual. They seem hostile, angry, even belligerent. They seem ready for a fight.
And they are. Because we live in a world that is just too ready to fight us. Nearly all of us have been hurt at some time, some of us quite badly. And some of us have been hurt so often and so badly that we expect it and are ready for it. We’re ready for the argument, for the fight, for the condemnation and the attacks - because we’ve already faced so many.
And it can happen not just during coming out. Any discussion. We can go in ready for battle - we get angry because we know that there’s a good chance in the next few minutes we’re going to get damn good cause. We go in angry because we expect a battle, we expect we have to defend ourselves, we expect we’re going to be hurt.
And in some cases it’s the only way to come out/have the conversation in the first place. The risk of being hurt again, the worry about the consequences are so high that it’s only by psyching ourselves up in the first place that we’ll even speak. I’ve been there. I’ve dreaded a conversation, known that it’s going to hurt and known that I don’t want to do it, don’t have the energy for it and don’t have the mental strength for it. But I’ve done it by stoking up enough anger to get through that - to make it hurt less, to overcome the fear and to give me enough energy to broach it.
And in some cases anger is just unavoidable. When you’ve been hurt coming out before, when you’ve been hurt having a conversation before then you can’t enter the same territory without that anger coming back - because they have been given so many reasons to be angry before, the anger comes automatically.
So what does this mean for the incomer?
Or anyone else suddenly having a conversation about homosexuality/homophobia with a gay person who is seething quietly (or not so quietly?)
First of all - recognise where the anger is coming from. The anger is coming from pain - from a society that hurts us over and over and over again. It is not directed at you personally (though if you join society in adding to that pain, it might be), it’s a defence mechanism against what’s likely to come.
Secondly - don’t devalue that anger. They have a REASON to be angry. You can’t tell them to calm down or not be angry without diminishing the impact of homophobia. They are angry for a reason. They have a RIGHT to their anger. Diminishing or shaming that anger will not help.
Thirdly - don’t feed that anger. They are angry. They have a reason to be angry. Don’t be that reason. Don’t be the clueless fool with the homophobia, don’t decide to “love the sinner, hate the sin,” don’t decide it’s time for a gay joke or to express your disgust at gay sex - in other words, don’t do all the things that I and Plaid Adder have already said not to do with an inexperienced outcomer.
Because that’s a point here - just because someone is angry doesn’t mean they’re not vulnerable or you can’t hurt them - it means they’re hurting. If you add to that pain or remind them of it they will treat you with the withering contempt you deserve. They may storm off and tell you to go fuck yourself rather than dissolve into tears and retreat hurt if you slathering them in heterosexual privilege - but you’ll still hurt them and give them yet another reason to be angry.
So appropriate reactions? Really, I can sum this up with “don’t be an arsehole.” You won’t need to build them up, calm their insecurities or reassure them. But you need to avoid poking sore spots, you need not to be part of the many things that attack hurt and anger us. You need to not be identified as an enemy in a world that is so very hostile.
And don’t be taken aback by any deflation that happens then :) Sometimes you can be so psyched up for a fight, so ready for a fight, so ready to defend yourself, so ready to resist being hurt that when it DOESN’T emerge it seems rather anti-climactic.
mjules made a good point about another category of GBLT people coming out other than experience/inexperienced I and Plaid Adder referred to.
I don’t know how to refer to them, there are few labels I can give that does not carry negative connotations that are underserved. “Angry” would be accurate - but it’s so habitual to demonise anger, even when it is reasonable. “Wounded” would also be accurate - but it suggests a level of victimhood that I am not happy with. The same applies to “hurt.” “Defensive” implies touchiness that is most unfair. Even "battle scarred" is not inappropriate - since very few of us have managed to live without physical, emotional or mental scars from homophobia. I am going to use “angry” because it has the least negatives, but I am not happy with it.
Sometimes, someone will come out to you and they don’t seem nervous or afraid - or experienced and casual. They seem hostile, angry, even belligerent. They seem ready for a fight.
And they are. Because we live in a world that is just too ready to fight us. Nearly all of us have been hurt at some time, some of us quite badly. And some of us have been hurt so often and so badly that we expect it and are ready for it. We’re ready for the argument, for the fight, for the condemnation and the attacks - because we’ve already faced so many.
And it can happen not just during coming out. Any discussion. We can go in ready for battle - we get angry because we know that there’s a good chance in the next few minutes we’re going to get damn good cause. We go in angry because we expect a battle, we expect we have to defend ourselves, we expect we’re going to be hurt.
And in some cases it’s the only way to come out/have the conversation in the first place. The risk of being hurt again, the worry about the consequences are so high that it’s only by psyching ourselves up in the first place that we’ll even speak. I’ve been there. I’ve dreaded a conversation, known that it’s going to hurt and known that I don’t want to do it, don’t have the energy for it and don’t have the mental strength for it. But I’ve done it by stoking up enough anger to get through that - to make it hurt less, to overcome the fear and to give me enough energy to broach it.
And in some cases anger is just unavoidable. When you’ve been hurt coming out before, when you’ve been hurt having a conversation before then you can’t enter the same territory without that anger coming back - because they have been given so many reasons to be angry before, the anger comes automatically.
So what does this mean for the incomer?
Or anyone else suddenly having a conversation about homosexuality/homophobia with a gay person who is seething quietly (or not so quietly?)
First of all - recognise where the anger is coming from. The anger is coming from pain - from a society that hurts us over and over and over again. It is not directed at you personally (though if you join society in adding to that pain, it might be), it’s a defence mechanism against what’s likely to come.
Secondly - don’t devalue that anger. They have a REASON to be angry. You can’t tell them to calm down or not be angry without diminishing the impact of homophobia. They are angry for a reason. They have a RIGHT to their anger. Diminishing or shaming that anger will not help.
Thirdly - don’t feed that anger. They are angry. They have a reason to be angry. Don’t be that reason. Don’t be the clueless fool with the homophobia, don’t decide to “love the sinner, hate the sin,” don’t decide it’s time for a gay joke or to express your disgust at gay sex - in other words, don’t do all the things that I and Plaid Adder have already said not to do with an inexperienced outcomer.
Because that’s a point here - just because someone is angry doesn’t mean they’re not vulnerable or you can’t hurt them - it means they’re hurting. If you add to that pain or remind them of it they will treat you with the withering contempt you deserve. They may storm off and tell you to go fuck yourself rather than dissolve into tears and retreat hurt if you slathering them in heterosexual privilege - but you’ll still hurt them and give them yet another reason to be angry.
So appropriate reactions? Really, I can sum this up with “don’t be an arsehole.” You won’t need to build them up, calm their insecurities or reassure them. But you need to avoid poking sore spots, you need not to be part of the many things that attack hurt and anger us. You need to not be identified as an enemy in a world that is so very hostile.
And don’t be taken aback by any deflation that happens then :) Sometimes you can be so psyched up for a fight, so ready for a fight, so ready to defend yourself, so ready to resist being hurt that when it DOESN’T emerge it seems rather anti-climactic.