meh
Haven't felt much like writing anything... yet I want to write... so I am... yea... I don't know what's up with my life... I hella wanna just run away, but I wouldnt know where to go. I haven't been going to school. I'm gonna just run incompletes and say fuck all to school for now. Wanna get a job and get my own place. I hella need to get the fuck outta here. And on top of feeling confused, guilty, embarrassed, and completely stressed about this stuff, I'm just generally depressed. Friends are interesting, their only ever kinda there for you, never when you really need them, then again, I feel like being left alone and am pushing people away. So I don't even know what's up with that. Even my little brother didn't wanna have lunch with me. Little fucker.
And aside from friends, there's boys... still having problems with the one guy. I definately don't know what to do about it, we're kinda friends, I didn't think we could be just friends and now that's all I'm goin for, and now he's sayin it's hard cause He wants to be more than just friends... but guess what? He still doesn't wanna hang out or date or anything...? boys suck. And there's this other guy, he's cute, he's sleezy, he likes bigger girls I hear... He was randomly groping at this party, which I didn't really care either way what he did, mostly cause half the time I didnt get what was going on... ya know, like, oh hey there, wait... where's his hand? uhh what? ohhh shit. Hey stop that! .... so yea... and then later we kissed. a small small french kiss, didnt feel anything, I was too tired and he was uber drunk, doubt he remembers. Ah well. So yea... damn the first guy mentioned... It feels old when I'm with him... ya know? like... Colby, I get easily irritated and sad and happy and all kinds of stuff, The easily irritated and sad part is what reminds me of Colby, cause I'm not like that anymore... well I haven't been since Colby... I've tried not to be, which is especially shitty, that this guy makes me feel like this, cause I know I like him and... it feels old, like I'm in high school, with high school emotions and thoughts and so on, I really really don't want that, this guys too good for that, I'm too good for that, just seems like maybe it's not meant to be, at least until I can get over the fact that this guy WAS high school and ISNT anymore, that's when I met him, that's when I liked him a million different times etc etc... I hella need to hang out with him, which is impossible, cause I need to get some new memeries, some new experiences, cause we are both different now, and we need to start a different kind of relationship, with some new ground, get to know him again... does that make sense?? ... so it's odd, it sucks. I don't know how I feel, if I wanna even bother with him or not, that's alot of work ya know... And my friends brother still gets me all giddy inside too. So I don't know... guys suck... once again. And I'm starting to feel undermedicated, with this depression I feel. But my doctor died, another depressing fact, and so I can't get more meds, and I missed the chance to get my records, so that's fuckin wonderful.
My families got me down too cause this choeffering and listening to nonstop babbling from my bro is wearin at me. And my mom's been depressed or some such nonsense and I fuckin go out on Saturday nights till 4,5,6 am... and she trips out like I'm fuckin 16 again. I'm 21, I pay my bills, I pay rent, I pay for the car insurance to be driving her preshuss little car that apparently has a curfew... She says, I don't like you out that late in my car.... well what about the buick? if I drive the Buick can I stay out till whenever? She says stayin out that late is stuff you do when you live on ur own, and I either have to stop partying, come home at a decent hour, which in the last 4 years has yet to be specified, or I have to move out... So I'm gonna go with moving out, the only problem is, if I tell her that I'm not going to school she'll prolly kick me out before I can even get a fucking job. I'm not tryin to be a mooch, I want out on my own... Which I know will be shitty and hard, but fuck... could it be worse than here? Even tho I give her money,bills still don't get paid and my phone or cable i-net gets shut off... I'd rather fuck up all on my own ya know? I don't think I want a roomy either. I'd rather not have to deal with other ppls messes or getting pissed off at my messes... So yea... this is long, like my schlong... I'll go now
And aside from friends, there's boys... still having problems with the one guy. I definately don't know what to do about it, we're kinda friends, I didn't think we could be just friends and now that's all I'm goin for, and now he's sayin it's hard cause He wants to be more than just friends... but guess what? He still doesn't wanna hang out or date or anything...? boys suck. And there's this other guy, he's cute, he's sleezy, he likes bigger girls I hear... He was randomly groping at this party, which I didn't really care either way what he did, mostly cause half the time I didnt get what was going on... ya know, like, oh hey there, wait... where's his hand? uhh what? ohhh shit. Hey stop that! .... so yea... and then later we kissed. a small small french kiss, didnt feel anything, I was too tired and he was uber drunk, doubt he remembers. Ah well. So yea... damn the first guy mentioned... It feels old when I'm with him... ya know? like... Colby, I get easily irritated and sad and happy and all kinds of stuff, The easily irritated and sad part is what reminds me of Colby, cause I'm not like that anymore... well I haven't been since Colby... I've tried not to be, which is especially shitty, that this guy makes me feel like this, cause I know I like him and... it feels old, like I'm in high school, with high school emotions and thoughts and so on, I really really don't want that, this guys too good for that, I'm too good for that, just seems like maybe it's not meant to be, at least until I can get over the fact that this guy WAS high school and ISNT anymore, that's when I met him, that's when I liked him a million different times etc etc... I hella need to hang out with him, which is impossible, cause I need to get some new memeries, some new experiences, cause we are both different now, and we need to start a different kind of relationship, with some new ground, get to know him again... does that make sense?? ... so it's odd, it sucks. I don't know how I feel, if I wanna even bother with him or not, that's alot of work ya know... And my friends brother still gets me all giddy inside too. So I don't know... guys suck... once again. And I'm starting to feel undermedicated, with this depression I feel. But my doctor died, another depressing fact, and so I can't get more meds, and I missed the chance to get my records, so that's fuckin wonderful.
My families got me down too cause this choeffering and listening to nonstop babbling from my bro is wearin at me. And my mom's been depressed or some such nonsense and I fuckin go out on Saturday nights till 4,5,6 am... and she trips out like I'm fuckin 16 again. I'm 21, I pay my bills, I pay rent, I pay for the car insurance to be driving her preshuss little car that apparently has a curfew... She says, I don't like you out that late in my car.... well what about the buick? if I drive the Buick can I stay out till whenever? She says stayin out that late is stuff you do when you live on ur own, and I either have to stop partying, come home at a decent hour, which in the last 4 years has yet to be specified, or I have to move out... So I'm gonna go with moving out, the only problem is, if I tell her that I'm not going to school she'll prolly kick me out before I can even get a fucking job. I'm not tryin to be a mooch, I want out on my own... Which I know will be shitty and hard, but fuck... could it be worse than here? Even tho I give her money,bills still don't get paid and my phone or cable i-net gets shut off... I'd rather fuck up all on my own ya know? I don't think I want a roomy either. I'd rather not have to deal with other ppls messes or getting pissed off at my messes... So yea... this is long, like my schlong... I'll go now