(no subject)
So I got stood up last night and it's still affecting me today. It wasn't a date in anyway shape or form, but I had made plans with this girl to hang out and she just never called. She's 19 and has a boyfriend. Normally she would be sitting next to me in Philosophy class but she has opted to go home early for spring break. It was a smart move because I would have probably gone off on her. Then again I probably would have let it go like I do everything in my life.
All I have wanted to do all morning is cry. Between the stress of school, my general health, dealing with my pharmacy, and my general frustration of how I haven't been in a relationship in 7 years and that I'm still a virgin...they are just getting to me. It was just such a slap in the face though that the first person I tried to really be friends with just blew me off like it was no big thing. It hurts, and it just brings out a bunch of feelings that I try to repress on a daily basis.
I wonder what holds me back from breaking down. Maybe its because if I start to cry alone there will be no stopping it. Maybe its because i just want attention. I think thats what I really subconscienously want. Just attention. like a spoiled fucking brat. me me me, I I I. thats all it comes down to. I feel entitled to these things. Maybe I'm not entitled to happiness. So what if I had a kidney transplant, it doesn't make me special.
I'm asking questions but I am not getting answers. Britney told me today that I was happier when i was on the verge of death. I asked her then why she liked me to which she replied she sees though people. I asked her what does she see in me. She said she had to get ready for a drag race and didn't have an answer. The one person I thought who could be straight with me won't be.
I miss my mother.
All I have wanted to do all morning is cry. Between the stress of school, my general health, dealing with my pharmacy, and my general frustration of how I haven't been in a relationship in 7 years and that I'm still a virgin...they are just getting to me. It was just such a slap in the face though that the first person I tried to really be friends with just blew me off like it was no big thing. It hurts, and it just brings out a bunch of feelings that I try to repress on a daily basis.
I wonder what holds me back from breaking down. Maybe its because if I start to cry alone there will be no stopping it. Maybe its because i just want attention. I think thats what I really subconscienously want. Just attention. like a spoiled fucking brat. me me me, I I I. thats all it comes down to. I feel entitled to these things. Maybe I'm not entitled to happiness. So what if I had a kidney transplant, it doesn't make me special.
I'm asking questions but I am not getting answers. Britney told me today that I was happier when i was on the verge of death. I asked her then why she liked me to which she replied she sees though people. I asked her what does she see in me. She said she had to get ready for a drag race and didn't have an answer. The one person I thought who could be straight with me won't be.
I miss my mother.