*sigh*
I have loved and lost twice. 2 totally different men, 2 totally different feelings...
Love #1: Ah, the first love. You never really stop caring about this person, do you? Too bad, cos that would make things so much easier. He made me feel things I never felt before. Whenever I saw him, my heart would jump and begin to race, my body trembled, my blood boiled, and I couldn't quite think straight. To go Romance novelly on you: my body needed him with a feirce, fiery passion that shattered all of my control. And I always need to feel like I'm in control. It was exciting, what I felt for him, yet because it was new, and it affected me so, I was afraid of it. To protect myself from possible hurt, I built a sort of "wall." That was my mistake. I hid from him when I should have given him all of me. Of course, when you're a teenager, you don't really know who you are, so that part is kind of difficult. Even though he broke my heart, it's my own fault for not giving him any reason to care about me by hiding in my own wretched fear. Now, even though I did love him a great deal, and still do, I know now that I wasn't IN love. It was passion. I have never been so physically attracted to someone in my whole life, but heated passion only (no matter how great) does not a relationship make.
Love #2: The person who seemed so wrong for me at first, became so right. When I was with him, I felt loved, safe, and secure. There was such warmth in his eyes and smile, I knew I was safe with him. At first I fought it, having still been healing from previous wounds, yet I also forced myself to, for the first time in my life, jump in and take whatever I got. Best decision I ever made...for awhile. For once, I didn't hide anything of myself. I gave every bit of myself to this man: heart, body, and soul, and he gave me the same in return. We were really happy...half the time. The other half, it was nothing but arguments. He shouldn't have lied, and gotten so angry all the time, but I shouldn't have tried to change him, to mold him into what I wanted him to be. There was a big love there...just not big enough, I guess.
Why did I write about that? Because there are things, secrets, that I've kept to myself, but I couldn't take the secrecy anymore. I've been denying my feelings for so long...but no more. So the truth is, I still love them both, with all my heart. I feel a great passion for Love #1 that at times is almost more than I can bear. I miss the affection and security from Love #2 everyday. I want them both, but I can't have either...
...so now what?