I love this time of year (but still some guilt)
I almost feel like I'm coming out of hibernation, and that there's parts of me that are waking up after the long,wet winter. I find that the issues I have been buried inside of me are coming to the surface again, and although this can sometimes be difficult, I view this as a good thing.
Take the fact I have an 'open' relationship with D. for instance- I was the driving force behind this, it was me that wondered if monogamy was the healthy way for our relationship. We have been together since we were both 17 and he was the first person I slept with, and whilst we have a fantastic relationship, I'll admit that I did feel a little sad that I didn't have the confidence he has helped me develop before I met him. He has never had a problem with us changing from a monogamous relationship to one that allows us both to have other sexual partners, but I'm the kind of person that always lays guilt trips on herself. Despite his telling me many times that he loves the kind of relationship we have I go through periods where I wonder if perhaps he'd prefer a more traditional relationship. Logically I know that my guilt is because I've been conditioned into thinking that a monogamous relationship is the ideal, and lets face it those of us who choose a different way do come in for some stick occasionally from those that think we should 'own' our partners.
I know I seem to have gone a little off track here, but sometimes there's no way round giving some background for what you need to get out to make sense. So back on track- I admit I often feel conflicted about the type of relationship we have, not because I don't like the two of us having other partners, but because it feels wrong of me to want this in the first place. I've been sitting on this, without really discussing it for months now. But now I've come out of hibernation I've been finally able to get all this out and I feel so fucking light because of it.
I do wonder though if this is something that I'm always going to have to live with or is it possible to shut up that voice in your head that tells you 'you shouldn't want this'??
Take the fact I have an 'open' relationship with D. for instance- I was the driving force behind this, it was me that wondered if monogamy was the healthy way for our relationship. We have been together since we were both 17 and he was the first person I slept with, and whilst we have a fantastic relationship, I'll admit that I did feel a little sad that I didn't have the confidence he has helped me develop before I met him. He has never had a problem with us changing from a monogamous relationship to one that allows us both to have other sexual partners, but I'm the kind of person that always lays guilt trips on herself. Despite his telling me many times that he loves the kind of relationship we have I go through periods where I wonder if perhaps he'd prefer a more traditional relationship. Logically I know that my guilt is because I've been conditioned into thinking that a monogamous relationship is the ideal, and lets face it those of us who choose a different way do come in for some stick occasionally from those that think we should 'own' our partners.
I know I seem to have gone a little off track here, but sometimes there's no way round giving some background for what you need to get out to make sense. So back on track- I admit I often feel conflicted about the type of relationship we have, not because I don't like the two of us having other partners, but because it feels wrong of me to want this in the first place. I've been sitting on this, without really discussing it for months now. But now I've come out of hibernation I've been finally able to get all this out and I feel so fucking light because of it.
I do wonder though if this is something that I'm always going to have to live with or is it possible to shut up that voice in your head that tells you 'you shouldn't want this'??