(no subject)
I am so tired of feeling inadequate. I want to be the sort of person who can cheer other people up. I want to be the sort of friend who can listen, and who in listening helps others to feel better. I want to be equal, and just as good, and maybe even better than. But instead I live in limbo where I am waiting to be good enough, or even only a little less than. It kills me that John is so convinced that I cannot make him feel better that I shoudn't even try. It kills me that I agree with this. I want things to fucking resolve. I just want things to make a stand, go one way, or the other. I am so tired of being in the middle of grey. I can't win. There is no line saying good, saying bad, and so it all comes down to my mood, and there is no telling where that can take me. I am so tired of not beign good enough, know that I never ever fucking will be. I can't compete. I am in no way made for this. I just want to be as good a friend to others as they are to me. And I never will be. Because eveyone else has so much more to give, and all I do is take. And what can I possibly contribute. Exactly. So little as for it to not be worth my time, or anyone elses. i miss being able to help. I miss that about being with Nick. I was good enough. I just was. I was enough. But in the end I wasn't. And I haven't felt like I have been any good to anyone since then. And I hate that I feel this way, because it makes me even less worthy and helpful. It makes me small and self pitying. Because the truth is, in the face of defeat, I am sitting here crying. I have run away when I should have stayed. I should try. But I can't, or I wont, or I am so afraid of faling that it paralyzes me. I can't win. I wont place, so I don't even show. And so I just this loser who wants to win but dosen't even enter the race. And I am watchign everyone tear past. And I am sitting still. I am so worthless. And I Am so worried what people will think reading this. I wonder if they will feel responsible, like I do, every time I tell somone not to try to help. Because there is nothing I can do, I make no contribution. I am the source of my own failure. And I am so tired of failing. I am so ready to let go. But I can't take that selfish jump, I can't just walk of the track. I can't just leave, and yet it seems like less of a failure than to just sit there in the middle of the sand, listening to everyone yelling, trying to figure out what it all means. And understanding none of it-- just knowing that I want to help everyone else as much as they have helped me. It seems incredibly selfish to quit now that everyone else has tried to help carry me along, and it seems selfish not to try. But this is my life. And I want to die. and I don't know what to say beyond that. This is another mood. And it will go away. And I don't know what is so diffent about today, that I will post this publicly, instead of just for myself. I'm tired of letting everyone down. I don't want to be told not to try because you all have so little faith in me, and I'm tired of living up to my reputation as small and fragile, and weak and useless. I want to be of some benefit to people. I want my suffing to allivitate that of others. I am so tired of being dissapointed and dissapointing.