(no subject)
"I'm going to be honest with you--I didn't have 10 seconds...at no point yesterday was I Idle."
Well fuck you too. I am good enough to spend hours with when there is nothing better. And good enough to call when all is going wrong. But when YOUR life is good, then I am not worth making 10 seconds for, literally. Didn't HAVE time? No, unwilling to make time? Yes. I know how that goes. I've done it to people to. Unimportant people. It's good to know early on how good a friend you really are. Meg managed to call back. It literally took less than a minute. But. Fuck it. Fuck you. Amamnda was right, you self centered asshole. I'm glad your life improved, I'm just sad that you had to help make mine worse in the process. Should you read this, part of me wants to snivellingly apologise to you for being a bitch, and part of me is scared of losing your friendship. One in my position really does not have much of a choise. But most of me is royally pissed, and I just feel stupid and used and worthless. And I HATE that. I hate it when I let people close enought to hurt me. Really I just hate myself for letting you hurt me. And I am angry with you. I'm not sure why I am bothing putting this here--because it is not really going to solve anything. You're not going to read it, I don't think. And you were honest with me, which is a plus. It is more respect in disrespecting me than most people ever give. But it still hurts. And I hate that. And Meg, I am mad at you for not waiting to give John his present until I got there, I know we are not doign the whole TSO thing, but I thought you would wait until I was there, at least. Oh well, I'll get over it. That's what I do. I get over things. And no one cares, but me. That's probably not true. People claim to care, but whatever. I have no one to cry to. Ugh. You see, this is why the holidays make me want to not live to see the next years holidays. The people who matter to me, are not, by and large, people to whom I matter. Se la vie. Perhaps I should. I don't even know. Find people who care about me, and just focus my energy on them? I tried that, it fails. Everything fails. Except my miserable sense of hope, and my ability to forgive. But that is the core of the problem, i'm never quite and cynical and untrusting as I should be. *sigh* I'm going to go cry now, and wish that I still permitted myself the outlet of cutting. I don't even know what I feel. Dissapointed in the universe and in my interaction with it, I suppose. What a let down.
Well fuck you too. I am good enough to spend hours with when there is nothing better. And good enough to call when all is going wrong. But when YOUR life is good, then I am not worth making 10 seconds for, literally. Didn't HAVE time? No, unwilling to make time? Yes. I know how that goes. I've done it to people to. Unimportant people. It's good to know early on how good a friend you really are. Meg managed to call back. It literally took less than a minute. But. Fuck it. Fuck you. Amamnda was right, you self centered asshole. I'm glad your life improved, I'm just sad that you had to help make mine worse in the process. Should you read this, part of me wants to snivellingly apologise to you for being a bitch, and part of me is scared of losing your friendship. One in my position really does not have much of a choise. But most of me is royally pissed, and I just feel stupid and used and worthless. And I HATE that. I hate it when I let people close enought to hurt me. Really I just hate myself for letting you hurt me. And I am angry with you. I'm not sure why I am bothing putting this here--because it is not really going to solve anything. You're not going to read it, I don't think. And you were honest with me, which is a plus. It is more respect in disrespecting me than most people ever give. But it still hurts. And I hate that. And Meg, I am mad at you for not waiting to give John his present until I got there, I know we are not doign the whole TSO thing, but I thought you would wait until I was there, at least. Oh well, I'll get over it. That's what I do. I get over things. And no one cares, but me. That's probably not true. People claim to care, but whatever. I have no one to cry to. Ugh. You see, this is why the holidays make me want to not live to see the next years holidays. The people who matter to me, are not, by and large, people to whom I matter. Se la vie. Perhaps I should. I don't even know. Find people who care about me, and just focus my energy on them? I tried that, it fails. Everything fails. Except my miserable sense of hope, and my ability to forgive. But that is the core of the problem, i'm never quite and cynical and untrusting as I should be. *sigh* I'm going to go cry now, and wish that I still permitted myself the outlet of cutting. I don't even know what I feel. Dissapointed in the universe and in my interaction with it, I suppose. What a let down.