(no subject)
I leave for Argentina in 13 days. I am so terrified I don't know why I thought I could do this. I've been having to drug myself to sleep the last few nights because my nerves are seriously frazzled and I'm oddly overly emotional and overly sensitive.
I know that I can't back out anymore even though there is a part of me that would love to just stay here. I am miserable here, but I am safe and my basic human instincts are telling me that safe is a good price to pay for miserable. My head is yelling GO!, but there is also the self-doubt. What if I can't connect to anybody? That has been a big problem for me. I have a difficult time getting close to people and four months is a long time, but not long enough to make a lasting connection. I am going alone as a 19 year old girl in a city of 13 million and my schedule has very little structure. I don't even have a place to stay yet. It's an adventure all right and if I come back alive and mildly successful it would have been worth it. My ego has taken some serious beatings this last year and a boost would certainly help me get everything back on track because I feel like I've been living in the bell jar since february. I just don't know how I'd respond to another failure.
I shouldn't be so negative. In a city of 13 million someone is bound to like me and I only need one someone to explore the city with. If it wasn't so big and dangerous and scary I'd explore alone like I did in Madrid, but Buenos Aires is not Madrid.
I know that I can't back out anymore even though there is a part of me that would love to just stay here. I am miserable here, but I am safe and my basic human instincts are telling me that safe is a good price to pay for miserable. My head is yelling GO!, but there is also the self-doubt. What if I can't connect to anybody? That has been a big problem for me. I have a difficult time getting close to people and four months is a long time, but not long enough to make a lasting connection. I am going alone as a 19 year old girl in a city of 13 million and my schedule has very little structure. I don't even have a place to stay yet. It's an adventure all right and if I come back alive and mildly successful it would have been worth it. My ego has taken some serious beatings this last year and a boost would certainly help me get everything back on track because I feel like I've been living in the bell jar since february. I just don't know how I'd respond to another failure.
I shouldn't be so negative. In a city of 13 million someone is bound to like me and I only need one someone to explore the city with. If it wasn't so big and dangerous and scary I'd explore alone like I did in Madrid, but Buenos Aires is not Madrid.