(no subject)
I have been having such deep thoughts lately. It has really made me re-evaluate my life, who I want to be, what I want to do, etc. My conscience has really been "pricked" lately in regards to who I am as a person. I don't want to be the shallow girl who is constantly worried about her hair, her looks, her weight and boys. A superficial life holds no appeal for me but I feel like that is how my life has become. I am only concerned about me. I'm so selfish and purposefully naive to the hardships of others people. I want people to see me as a girl with depth, who isn't overly concerned about herself. There will be times at church when people will praise me and make nice comments about me to my parents and I can't bear to hear it. They only see the nice, polite, "church" side of me and not the self-centered person I really am. I am so worried about not having guys like me but then I think to myself, "Who would want such a shallow girl in the first place?" I want to be the kind of girl who people see as beautiful but not in looks, instead finding her beauty in her actions, her personality, her attitude and her living Christian testimony. I know that I don't always act in ways that glorify God. I have tried to be beautiful according to the world and not according to my Lord. It saddens me because I know that God created me for more than this. I have so much more potential but I don't know how to get out of this "me" mindset. I want to truthfully be a strong testimony to God's saving grace. I don't want to only be a "good, Christian girl" on Sundays. I want to be that 24/7/365 and it is so frustrating and so hard to just give it all up to God and die to self. My stubborness is not only affecting my life but it has really damaged my relationship with Him. He is not my top priority like he should be. Ashamedly, I really feel like lately He doesn't even make the top 5. I always have this nudging in the back of my mind that convicts me of this. It is so hard to just trust Him and lay it all out on the line. Anyway, deep thoughts like I said.