Loneliness, Disappointment, And Frustration
So the batch of lovely characters who had accompanied me for what now could be called many years and the entirety of my existence has left me. Whether eaten by the Timekeepers, content in the Field, or wandering in the south the last of his kind, they have left me. And considering the way that their world ties into ours, those who went back couldn't be my forbears, and so, having been lost, I have lost them all. Their legend remains with me, but they are gone.
And Terry Pratchett taught me yesterday that what separates a heroic Hermes from an antagonistic Hermes is that the former does not intend to kill people (does not kill people in a non-actuarial sense) and uses a spoon, whereas the latter does not care whom he kills (in a physical, hire-a-hitman sense) and does not enjoy a real game with real rewards/consequences.
And you are absolutely driving me crazy. I can't stand it! On the one hand, you've disappointed yourself and me so greatly -- which you likely don't need to hear me say again -- that thinking of you conjures up a mixture of frustration and fear... I really meant it when I said that it implies I cannot trust you... please prove that fear unnecessary.
On another hand, you're leaving that place and finally severing the strongest bond that could keep me returning to Where I Am No Longer Welcome... I'm just going to miss her terribly... and I hope she knows how much she still means to me... ah, but she never will, right?
And on the third hand, knowing we are half-way through does not seem to quench my loneliness or quell the constant nagging feeling that you should be here... not that I should be bringing up such a scene which is so close to home (though you hate it when people try to protect you from reminders)... and not that we're necessarily half-way through yet -- especially if the first hand's issue isn't solved SOON (in fact, it may even be too late).
Don't let me down. Please don't let me down. And don't insult my dog. And don't spend money on things you don't need, since you might need it once your benefactors discover the first hand's issue -- I don't trust them and neither should you.
Also, I've been having nightmares of squeaking deaths and I need to talk to that vet to see if she can help me distance myself because my source of data is too high up on the biological-organization scale to avoid the squeaking deaths: I can't limit myself to cells or cell systems, and this organ cannot survive alone for more than about two minutes.
And the bookstore pisses me off by having only the first and third novels in a trilogy when I already have the first and need the second. However, this bookstore also makes me smile by having the first book in a fifteen-book series in which I am very interested -- yes, illustrated by Royo -- which I have calculated to be something around a $120, 200-hour investment.
And the garbage truck woke me an hour before I wanted to wake up this morning, which is really pathetic, because that's more than an hour before we would normally have to wake up, except that we have this horrid New Employee Orientation thing which begins early and lasts an indefinite amount of time and I need to rescue my film from the freezer because it's been exposing all weekend and don't feel comfortable waiting until after the horridientation.
Please, can good things happen? It's not really a matter of what I deserve (I have no idea what I deserve), I just don't know if I can handle any more that this simultaneously.
And Terry Pratchett taught me yesterday that what separates a heroic Hermes from an antagonistic Hermes is that the former does not intend to kill people (does not kill people in a non-actuarial sense) and uses a spoon, whereas the latter does not care whom he kills (in a physical, hire-a-hitman sense) and does not enjoy a real game with real rewards/consequences.
And you are absolutely driving me crazy. I can't stand it! On the one hand, you've disappointed yourself and me so greatly -- which you likely don't need to hear me say again -- that thinking of you conjures up a mixture of frustration and fear... I really meant it when I said that it implies I cannot trust you... please prove that fear unnecessary.
On another hand, you're leaving that place and finally severing the strongest bond that could keep me returning to Where I Am No Longer Welcome... I'm just going to miss her terribly... and I hope she knows how much she still means to me... ah, but she never will, right?
And on the third hand, knowing we are half-way through does not seem to quench my loneliness or quell the constant nagging feeling that you should be here... not that I should be bringing up such a scene which is so close to home (though you hate it when people try to protect you from reminders)... and not that we're necessarily half-way through yet -- especially if the first hand's issue isn't solved SOON (in fact, it may even be too late).
Don't let me down. Please don't let me down. And don't insult my dog. And don't spend money on things you don't need, since you might need it once your benefactors discover the first hand's issue -- I don't trust them and neither should you.
Also, I've been having nightmares of squeaking deaths and I need to talk to that vet to see if she can help me distance myself because my source of data is too high up on the biological-organization scale to avoid the squeaking deaths: I can't limit myself to cells or cell systems, and this organ cannot survive alone for more than about two minutes.
And the bookstore pisses me off by having only the first and third novels in a trilogy when I already have the first and need the second. However, this bookstore also makes me smile by having the first book in a fifteen-book series in which I am very interested -- yes, illustrated by Royo -- which I have calculated to be something around a $120, 200-hour investment.
And the garbage truck woke me an hour before I wanted to wake up this morning, which is really pathetic, because that's more than an hour before we would normally have to wake up, except that we have this horrid New Employee Orientation thing which begins early and lasts an indefinite amount of time and I need to rescue my film from the freezer because it's been exposing all weekend and don't feel comfortable waiting until after the horridientation.
Please, can good things happen? It's not really a matter of what I deserve (I have no idea what I deserve), I just don't know if I can handle any more that this simultaneously.