Oh, Shit! Am I Growing Up?
So for some reason, the shiny confidence and certainty that I had a few years ago decided to part from me and it makes me want to capture some cute little furry animal and eat it alive because then at least I would confidently and certainly be something, if a tormentor of cute little furry animals.
I'm not much of a Musician anymore. I'm not much of a poet anymore. I'm not much of a friend anymore. I'm not much of a helper anymore. I'm not much of a student anymore. I'm not much of a researcher yet. I'm not much of anything. And no, I'm not just in a "transition period" because I want all those lovely things BACK! Like a werewolf who in the middle of a sunrise or sunset suddenly wishes to resist transformation, so much has changed that return is impossible.
So even though I've lost so many hundreds of people in my life and I've had to mourn for them all, whether their bodies are physically dead or not because I'll never see them again, now I get to do the strangest mourning when put into words but perhaps the most common unspokenly: myself.
To all of you who knew me before: I am so sorry that I can no longer be the me you loved. Believe me, if I could, I would remain that person.
To all of you who have only ever met the talentless bitch I'm turning out to be: I am so sorry that you will never be able to love the good me. Believe me, if I could, I would make it worthwhile for you to know me.
Life was so amazing and I loved it all and then good things had to happen and rob me of my fantasy, my honor, my joy, and my dreams. They say that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist... I'm sure that statement usually refers to being disappointed with the world (which I am, don't get me wrong), but my greatest disappointment is this thing about myself that I don't know how to control and it's taking me farther away from the me I enjoyed being. Oh, no -- is this what growing up feels like? Oh, shit!
A song I'm certain I've put here before, because it's actually relevant, "Growin' Up" by Bruce Springsteen:
Well, I stood stone-like at midnight
Suspended in my masquerade,
And I combed my hair 'til it was just right
And commanded the night brigade.
I was open to pain and crossed by the rain,
And I walked on a crooked crutch.
I strolled all alone through a fallout zone
And came out with my soul untouched!
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd
But when they said "Sit down", I stood up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up.
The flag of piracy flew from my mast.
My sails were set wing to wing.
I had a jukebox graduate for first mate.
She couldn't sail but she sure could sing!
And I pushed B-52 and bombed 'em with the blues
With my gear set stubborn on standing.
I broke all the rules, strafed my old high school,
Never once gave thought to landing!
I hid in the clouded warmth of the crowd
But when they said "Come down", I threw up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up.
I took month-long vacations in the stratosphere,
And you know it's really hard to hold your breath.
I swear, I lost everything I ever loved or feared.
I was a cosmic kid in full costume dress.
Well, my feet, they finally took root in the Earth
But I got me a nice little place in the stars,
And I swear I found the key to the universe
In the engine of an old parked car!
I hid in the mother breast of the crowd
But when they said "Pull down", I pulled up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up, ooh-ooh growin' up, woah.
I'm not much of a Musician anymore. I'm not much of a poet anymore. I'm not much of a friend anymore. I'm not much of a helper anymore. I'm not much of a student anymore. I'm not much of a researcher yet. I'm not much of anything. And no, I'm not just in a "transition period" because I want all those lovely things BACK! Like a werewolf who in the middle of a sunrise or sunset suddenly wishes to resist transformation, so much has changed that return is impossible.
So even though I've lost so many hundreds of people in my life and I've had to mourn for them all, whether their bodies are physically dead or not because I'll never see them again, now I get to do the strangest mourning when put into words but perhaps the most common unspokenly: myself.
To all of you who knew me before: I am so sorry that I can no longer be the me you loved. Believe me, if I could, I would remain that person.
To all of you who have only ever met the talentless bitch I'm turning out to be: I am so sorry that you will never be able to love the good me. Believe me, if I could, I would make it worthwhile for you to know me.
Life was so amazing and I loved it all and then good things had to happen and rob me of my fantasy, my honor, my joy, and my dreams. They say that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist... I'm sure that statement usually refers to being disappointed with the world (which I am, don't get me wrong), but my greatest disappointment is this thing about myself that I don't know how to control and it's taking me farther away from the me I enjoyed being. Oh, no -- is this what growing up feels like? Oh, shit!
A song I'm certain I've put here before, because it's actually relevant, "Growin' Up" by Bruce Springsteen:
Well, I stood stone-like at midnight
Suspended in my masquerade,
And I combed my hair 'til it was just right
And commanded the night brigade.
I was open to pain and crossed by the rain,
And I walked on a crooked crutch.
I strolled all alone through a fallout zone
And came out with my soul untouched!
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd
But when they said "Sit down", I stood up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up.
The flag of piracy flew from my mast.
My sails were set wing to wing.
I had a jukebox graduate for first mate.
She couldn't sail but she sure could sing!
And I pushed B-52 and bombed 'em with the blues
With my gear set stubborn on standing.
I broke all the rules, strafed my old high school,
Never once gave thought to landing!
I hid in the clouded warmth of the crowd
But when they said "Come down", I threw up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up.
I took month-long vacations in the stratosphere,
And you know it's really hard to hold your breath.
I swear, I lost everything I ever loved or feared.
I was a cosmic kid in full costume dress.
Well, my feet, they finally took root in the Earth
But I got me a nice little place in the stars,
And I swear I found the key to the universe
In the engine of an old parked car!
I hid in the mother breast of the crowd
But when they said "Pull down", I pulled up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up, ooh-ooh growin' up, woah.