Methodically Attempting To Solve This Once And For All
So I apparently lack the ability to keep myself alive... a likely-common but evolutionarily unfavorable trait that I somehow ended up with. Whatever the cause, however, there must be at least one effective and healthy way to handle this void in my abilities. And what I have been attempting to use for the past year has begun to fail. I'm not sure yet if that's because it's just not a good strategy or because I'm so determined to be bad, but something clearly needs to change. And the easiest thing to change in any moment of discomfort is the way one feels about the situation, rather the situation itself.
So let's see if I can't come up with a good model:
I tend for some reason to be bad.
When I'm bad, I feel guilty and really awesome at the same time.
Feeling guilty makes me want to be punished.
Feeling awesome makes me want to continue.
The bad thing is a form of punishment.
I continue to be bad.
So my goals are to stop feeling guilty and wanting punishment, and to stop feeling really awesome when I'm bad and wanting to continue.
First, the guilt:
"Why on Earth would anyone practice self destruction?" ("Bad Habit" by the Dresden Dolls)
Is it really self-destruction if its accidental? No, so I shouldn't feel guilty when it occurs. Should I punish myself when I feel guilty? No, I should let outside forces be responsible for that.
Second, the really awesome feeling:
"And just as surely as the wind keeps blowin', the grass keeps growin', ya gotta keep goin', and the Lord have mercy on your soul." ("Ain't No Crime" by Billy Joel)
Is it really all that bad? Yes, it is; think of how it began. It doesn't accomplish what you want it to and it causes harm. So should I continue when it makes me feel really awesome? No, you should change things and not be afraid to leave the cycle or to ask others to help you leave it.
Furthermore, don't listen to this song until you've been good exclusively for a very long time, "Deteriorata" by National Lampoon:
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and tacit persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well there advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Live comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you -- that lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth (birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan) and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for "Ken".
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe. (You are a fluke of the universe.)
You have no right to be here (You have no right to be here)
Whether you can hear it or not, (And whether you can hear it or not,)
The universe is laughing behind your back. (The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be:
Harry thunderer or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Here is a song you can listen to, though, for the kicks, "X Offender" by Blondie:
I saw you standing on the corner.
You looked so big and fine.
I really wanted to go out with you,
So when you smiled, I laid my heart on the line.
You read me my rights and then you said
"Let's go" and nothing more.
I thought of my nights and how they were.
They were filled with --
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh.
We sat in the night with my hands cuffed
At my side.
I look at your life and your style;
I wanted nothing more.
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh!
Walking the line, you were a marksman,
Told me that law, like wine, is ageless.
Public Defender,
You had to admit
You wanted the love
Of a Sex Offender.
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh!
My vision in blue, I call you
From inside my cell.
And in the trial, you were there
With your badge and rubber boots.
I think all the time how I'm going to
Perpetrate love with you,
And when I get out, there's no doubt
I'll be sex offensive to you!
So let's see if I can't come up with a good model:
I tend for some reason to be bad.
When I'm bad, I feel guilty and really awesome at the same time.
Feeling guilty makes me want to be punished.
Feeling awesome makes me want to continue.
The bad thing is a form of punishment.
I continue to be bad.
So my goals are to stop feeling guilty and wanting punishment, and to stop feeling really awesome when I'm bad and wanting to continue.
First, the guilt:
"Why on Earth would anyone practice self destruction?" ("Bad Habit" by the Dresden Dolls)
Is it really self-destruction if its accidental? No, so I shouldn't feel guilty when it occurs. Should I punish myself when I feel guilty? No, I should let outside forces be responsible for that.
Second, the really awesome feeling:
"And just as surely as the wind keeps blowin', the grass keeps growin', ya gotta keep goin', and the Lord have mercy on your soul." ("Ain't No Crime" by Billy Joel)
Is it really all that bad? Yes, it is; think of how it began. It doesn't accomplish what you want it to and it causes harm. So should I continue when it makes me feel really awesome? No, you should change things and not be afraid to leave the cycle or to ask others to help you leave it.
Furthermore, don't listen to this song until you've been good exclusively for a very long time, "Deteriorata" by National Lampoon:
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and tacit persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well there advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Live comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you -- that lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth (birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan) and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for "Ken".
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe. (You are a fluke of the universe.)
You have no right to be here (You have no right to be here)
Whether you can hear it or not, (And whether you can hear it or not,)
The universe is laughing behind your back. (The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be:
Harry thunderer or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Here is a song you can listen to, though, for the kicks, "X Offender" by Blondie:
I saw you standing on the corner.
You looked so big and fine.
I really wanted to go out with you,
So when you smiled, I laid my heart on the line.
You read me my rights and then you said
"Let's go" and nothing more.
I thought of my nights and how they were.
They were filled with --
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh.
We sat in the night with my hands cuffed
At my side.
I look at your life and your style;
I wanted nothing more.
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh!
Walking the line, you were a marksman,
Told me that law, like wine, is ageless.
Public Defender,
You had to admit
You wanted the love
Of a Sex Offender.
I know
You wouldn't go.
You'd watch my heart burst.
Then, you'd step in.
I had to know so I asked.
You just had to laugh!
My vision in blue, I call you
From inside my cell.
And in the trial, you were there
With your badge and rubber boots.
I think all the time how I'm going to
Perpetrate love with you,
And when I get out, there's no doubt
I'll be sex offensive to you!