Learning And Coping
So sometimes it is help that people need the least, even if they want it most.
You reached out with such good intentions, asking if I could feel it. And with the shattering of my delusion came the most lovely vacuum into my world; I began to grab hold of everything, the way a baby does, in an attempt to assimilate all of existence. But such an epiphany came with a cost I wouldn't discover until now.
Now that it has been a few years, I have enough data to find a pattern, and the pattern I see over the past few years of my life is a negative trend of conflict with the outside world. In the summer sunshine, surrounded by people sharing interests and emotions, strong connections shimmer and scintillate, but leaving a safe context, someone as fanciful as myself can only see how terrifying it is out here -- or perhaps I should say out there as a means of convincing myself that I am still safe. Because for the moment, I don't know how to handle it and until I find a new strategy, all I have is my bizarre ability to manipulate myself. Is it paradoxical that what I want to love frightens me? Ask Francesca Lia Block's Claire... though I suppose you couldn't; she left. But don't worry, her footsteps are not mine to follow and I have what she does not: someone to help me and willpower enough to try. It just might take a while... and in the meantime, I ask you all to be patient; effective reconstruction cannot be rushed.
Am I angry with you for smashing my protection and letting the world leak into mine? Admittedly, not at all, for you also pushed my path into that of the someone who is currently doing the most splendid job helping me fix it. Could I possibly be angry with a person who, like a child, brought a glass of water crashing to the floor but before running off to play pointed me to a towel and a dustpan? In fact, I thank you for being strong enough to admit you could not do more and pointing me in the direction of one who could. I just hope you have learned by now not to destroy what you cannot certainly repiece or replace. (And you: no, your role in my life is not limited to that of cleaning supplies; it was just an apt analogy.)
So the next steps are to experiment (like the Scientist that I am) and then to perform (like the Musician I hope I am) and never let my hope or willpower waver.
No song this time.... No song quite captures this combination of accusation, explanation, and ambition.
You reached out with such good intentions, asking if I could feel it. And with the shattering of my delusion came the most lovely vacuum into my world; I began to grab hold of everything, the way a baby does, in an attempt to assimilate all of existence. But such an epiphany came with a cost I wouldn't discover until now.
Now that it has been a few years, I have enough data to find a pattern, and the pattern I see over the past few years of my life is a negative trend of conflict with the outside world. In the summer sunshine, surrounded by people sharing interests and emotions, strong connections shimmer and scintillate, but leaving a safe context, someone as fanciful as myself can only see how terrifying it is out here -- or perhaps I should say out there as a means of convincing myself that I am still safe. Because for the moment, I don't know how to handle it and until I find a new strategy, all I have is my bizarre ability to manipulate myself. Is it paradoxical that what I want to love frightens me? Ask Francesca Lia Block's Claire... though I suppose you couldn't; she left. But don't worry, her footsteps are not mine to follow and I have what she does not: someone to help me and willpower enough to try. It just might take a while... and in the meantime, I ask you all to be patient; effective reconstruction cannot be rushed.
Am I angry with you for smashing my protection and letting the world leak into mine? Admittedly, not at all, for you also pushed my path into that of the someone who is currently doing the most splendid job helping me fix it. Could I possibly be angry with a person who, like a child, brought a glass of water crashing to the floor but before running off to play pointed me to a towel and a dustpan? In fact, I thank you for being strong enough to admit you could not do more and pointing me in the direction of one who could. I just hope you have learned by now not to destroy what you cannot certainly repiece or replace. (And you: no, your role in my life is not limited to that of cleaning supplies; it was just an apt analogy.)
So the next steps are to experiment (like the Scientist that I am) and then to perform (like the Musician I hope I am) and never let my hope or willpower waver.
No song this time.... No song quite captures this combination of accusation, explanation, and ambition.