Picking up the pieces
You know its funny. Looking back at it all.
I retired this thing forever because I felt pouring yourself out onto a journal was for a lack of a better term. Silly.
Now I find this "silly" thing to be exactly what I need right now. I'm not even sure if people read this or even use it anymore and in many ways that's better. The important thing is that people from work don't read this or know about it.
Let me tell you a story.
Nearly fifteen years ago I met a girl. I didn't know it at the time but one day I would fall deeply in love with that girl. It didn't happen suddenly or overnight in some lustful event. It was a love that was formed over years of being there for each other no matter the circumstances.
I remember being a teenager. we were at a friends house and I had been going through a rough time because of my grandfathers passing from cancer. And her and I were upstairs sitting on a bed talking as she was rubbing my hair and I just couldn't stop myself I began to lose it, everything had just piled on me like a ton of bricks and it was too much for one foolish teenager to bear I began crying, just fucking lost it. You know what she did? she just held me close let me pour it all out get everything off my chest by crying into hers. she didn't judge me or hold it against me. she was just there for me. after what seemed like forever of her holding me and rocking me till I calmed down I actually felt better
I was probably sixteen at that point. I could do the math but its not important. What was important was that we were the kind of friends that were always there for each other.
At the time I had thought that she was always dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa so I never attempted to cross the line of friendship, we were just "really good friends'" But still no matter what if she needed something she called me and I would come kidnap her and we'd go watch a movie or get dinner or just hang out and relax. That was just the way we were everyone just knew we hung out and were really good friends.
Finally the day came that every teenager anticipates, Graduation day! after all the weekend parties subsided I took a hard look at life and decided to join the military. They gave me a delayed enlistment date of a few months out so I got a BS summer job and Hung out with her as much as I could just doing our thing. Finally the last weekend arrived and we hung out all day until she had to leave. As I was walking her to the car she turned around grabbed me and kissed me in a memory I'll never forget.
it went like this "ooooooooooooooh now it makes sense"
But we had run out of time I left for basic, then tech school, and finally after half a year I got orders to Korea.
Once I arrived in Korea I did what any young techno geek with zero bills would do. I built myself one hell of a computer.
We started talking again. I remember talking about the kiss and her saying "well what did you expect you were leaving" so again we were "really good friends"
Speaking of Really good friends, there was a man I was stationed with in Korea he was my roommate and eventually became like a brother to me. He's a key player in this story too so remember him. I guarantee you'll never be able to forget him when this is all said and done.
As Korea went on the Girl and I kept talking and our friendship got stronger. I remember she was having trouble with her now BF at the time and while I didn't know what about I did know it made her upset So I talked to this man and told him to take care of her. She thanked me for it. I told her it what good friends do.
The year I was in Korea went by so fast when I look back at it now But finally it was time to go to my next assignment and soon my plane flew me to Idaho. My roommate not far behind me went to Montana.
The interesting thing was that his family was only four hours away from where I was stationed and Eight from him.
I remember going to his parents house for the first time. I'd had my car for two months and Needed to get it into his driveway so the snow plows could go by at night. the Driveway was covered in ice and when I gassed it I slid right into the back of his moms car.
"Hi I'm me, I just hit your car" She laughed at me. His family are good people
They adopted me, I became a brother to him and one of the family. Life was good.
During the Christmas new years holiday times I would go back home to Florida and spend the time with my family and friend's I would always make sure to see Her
I remember once just showing up where she worked (a sand which shop) ordering my food and telling her to call me so we could hang out before I had to go back to Idaho
She never called. I was devastated
I had been back in Idaho for several weeks before I finally got a message from her. Apparently she had been sick as a dog and working three jobs to pay for school and ballet and couldn't even remember talking to me. I found out that she had actually passed out at work been taken to the doctor and found to have scarlet fever or something like that.
I sent her a check, to pay for that months ballet classes. She refused to cash it at first till I finally convinced her.
She was happy, I was happy.
We talked almost every day. sometimes about nothing at all. Life was good
another year, camping trips with my adopted family and thanksgiving dinners.
Home to Florida for Christmas again. Her and I hung out a lot this time. We became more than "Just good friends" I had to fly back to Idaho I had been back a week when I wrote a letter
I'd asked her to be my wife and sent her half of my dog tags.
She sent me back a picture of her wearing them smiling.
It was cheesy, but it was our kind of cheese
She came out to live with me, she went to school there while I worked. School was far away and work was to much but at the end of the day I came home to her and was always happy. Even if it was just to get into the door far enough to pass out on the floor. We didn't have a lot of money but we made things work. Eventually we even moved up to the city the school was in, it was an hour away from my work but it made life better for her so I did it without hesitation.
The holidays came around and her and I went to visit his family. He tackled her into the snow "What he didn't warn you about me?" we laughed and had a good time. the family adopted her we were all one big family. Life was good
While we all only ever saw each other in person rarely we did all hang out online a lot and became the closest of groups.
He was excited for her and I when we found out we were going to California. She had just graduated and we were going to start fresh in a new place. The world was ours.
Her and I got to California and we got a nice house we rented. we made it into a home. Six months later I put a little birdie into management's ear and we got Him stationed in Cali with us as well. Life was good.
We hung out constantly almost every night. I didn't mind because he was my brother and we all were good to and for each other.
One night I was tired, he was over and we were all watching a movie so I went to bed and tried to sleep but couldn't. eventually the opening scene kept replaying so I figured they had pass out on the couch. I came out and saw them snuggling and rubbing each others arms.
I asked if I was interrupting something. we had a fight, I kicked him out of the house. Her and I had a fight. we stayed up all night talking a lot of things were discussed. I had noticed they had been getting closer and closer and when I asked her about it she told me that it just happened and it was stupid and a mistake.
The next day I picked him up for work. we had a talk. I told him the only reason he was alive was because of who he was.
Several months went by, things got better. I tried to salvage the friendship.
Things still didn't feel right. She didn't greet me at the door like she used to. She jumped up to greet him when We finally let him come over for dinner again. I asked her about it. she told me I was being crazy and reading into it to much.
I should have stopped it, but I didn't. months went by. One night I was at my computer while they were in the living room. I got out of my chair too quietly because I walked in on them making out on my living room floor.
I banned him from the house permanently. Made him take everything of his with him. I confronted her about it she told me "she didn't need this" she left with him.
She walked out the door with him
I couldn't sleep that night when I closed my eyes I saw them on my floor
The next morning I walked into his house since I had a key, hoping she had just stayed in the spare bedroom. she was in his bedroom. the door was closed. I turned around and left before I did something stupid.
I remember calling my friend and talking to her she told me right there and then "leave her, its not worth it" She's a very wise friend
I'll never forget that Monday, going to work after waking up alone in an empty house. I'll never forget gathering all my supervisors and managers and telling them what happened. Why he and I could never work together again.
Another friend whome i'd been stationed with in Idaho worked with us in Cali, he was a good friend and offered that she stay with him if she wasn't going to stay with me. She moved into his house for a week.
I talked to her, we talked a lot, about a lot of things. we worked things out. She moved back in. things were rough but we worked on it. we had been married for four years at this point.
Things started getting better. I was happy she was happy. we were happy together. He was out of the picture because work had put a no contact order up so he couldn't talk to her.
Things got better. We got a dog. We started doing things together just her and I. She started meeting me at the door when I came home from work again. We talked about renewing our vows.
We talked about having children.
Work had to send me to japan for two months, it was a good TDY to go on, it would earn us a lot of money so we could go on a vacation together. We talked about it. She told me it would be ok, she'd stay busy with Ballet and we'd talk every night.
I told work to send me.
I'd been gone two weeks. She moved her stuff out to our other friends house. He wasn't even there when she did it.
We fought online. She told me she wanted a divorce. I got tired of trying to save our marriage. I know it sounds bad but its hard to fight when no ones helping you fight.
I finally agreed to give her the divorce.
I know its stupid, but that made things better. we talked like old friends again
I got back from Japan. the house was empty.
We flew to Florida, she held my hand on the plane. I didn't understand but I didn't complain.
when we landed her parents picked us up, they dropped me off at my parents house.
a few days went by, her and I talked almost every day. I asked if she'd changed her mind. she'd always laugh at me and say no. I always said I had to ask.
We filed the divorce paperwork. It was too easy.
We went to lunch together afterwards. It was nice, we had fun. We hung out for the rest of the time I was there almost every day. It was like old times. Like when we were "just good friends"
I had to fly back to California. her and her parents dropped me off. She hugged and kissed me before I got into the line.
I landed in Cali. I texted that I missed her, she laughed at me.
Two weeks went by. we talked every night. I'd asked if she'd changed her mind, she'd say no. I'd say I had to ask.
The final day came, and the courts approved our divorce on a Friday. we still talked, just like old times.
She flew out to Cali on a Wednesday, I saw her that night to give her her car and dog and some stuff. she stayed at our friends house. She gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I told her we'd do dinner to square away some paperwork and she agreed.
The house was so empty that night.
Thursday I texted her, she didn't respond. That night my friend said she didn't come back to his house. I'd hoped she wasn't where I thought she was.
Friday I called her, she didn't answer, I called again a few hours later, still no answer.
After work my friend said she was coming to pick up her stuff. I asked where she said she was moving to. He didn't want to say.
I drove over to my friends house, she was there, with the man that used to be my brother.
He had an armful of her stuff. he took a breath like he was going to say something. I told him if he ever talked to me I'd break every bone in his body and leave him for dead in the desert.
I remember the look in her eyes when she looked at me. I asked if I got an explanation. she asked if I wanted one. I didn't, wouldn't make sense to me anyways.
I made her sign the paperwork she needed to. the paperwork I'd wanted to deal with over dinner as friends.
I told her to enjoy her life. I left.
Every day I see him though, smiling and happy. I've killed that man a thousand times in my mind. and I've asked myself a thousand times why she threw away 15 years of friendship.
And I doubt I'll ever know.
I retired this thing forever because I felt pouring yourself out onto a journal was for a lack of a better term. Silly.
Now I find this "silly" thing to be exactly what I need right now. I'm not even sure if people read this or even use it anymore and in many ways that's better. The important thing is that people from work don't read this or know about it.
Let me tell you a story.
Nearly fifteen years ago I met a girl. I didn't know it at the time but one day I would fall deeply in love with that girl. It didn't happen suddenly or overnight in some lustful event. It was a love that was formed over years of being there for each other no matter the circumstances.
I remember being a teenager. we were at a friends house and I had been going through a rough time because of my grandfathers passing from cancer. And her and I were upstairs sitting on a bed talking as she was rubbing my hair and I just couldn't stop myself I began to lose it, everything had just piled on me like a ton of bricks and it was too much for one foolish teenager to bear I began crying, just fucking lost it. You know what she did? she just held me close let me pour it all out get everything off my chest by crying into hers. she didn't judge me or hold it against me. she was just there for me. after what seemed like forever of her holding me and rocking me till I calmed down I actually felt better
I was probably sixteen at that point. I could do the math but its not important. What was important was that we were the kind of friends that were always there for each other.
At the time I had thought that she was always dating someone when I wasn't and vice versa so I never attempted to cross the line of friendship, we were just "really good friends'" But still no matter what if she needed something she called me and I would come kidnap her and we'd go watch a movie or get dinner or just hang out and relax. That was just the way we were everyone just knew we hung out and were really good friends.
Finally the day came that every teenager anticipates, Graduation day! after all the weekend parties subsided I took a hard look at life and decided to join the military. They gave me a delayed enlistment date of a few months out so I got a BS summer job and Hung out with her as much as I could just doing our thing. Finally the last weekend arrived and we hung out all day until she had to leave. As I was walking her to the car she turned around grabbed me and kissed me in a memory I'll never forget.
it went like this "ooooooooooooooh now it makes sense"
But we had run out of time I left for basic, then tech school, and finally after half a year I got orders to Korea.
Once I arrived in Korea I did what any young techno geek with zero bills would do. I built myself one hell of a computer.
We started talking again. I remember talking about the kiss and her saying "well what did you expect you were leaving" so again we were "really good friends"
Speaking of Really good friends, there was a man I was stationed with in Korea he was my roommate and eventually became like a brother to me. He's a key player in this story too so remember him. I guarantee you'll never be able to forget him when this is all said and done.
As Korea went on the Girl and I kept talking and our friendship got stronger. I remember she was having trouble with her now BF at the time and while I didn't know what about I did know it made her upset So I talked to this man and told him to take care of her. She thanked me for it. I told her it what good friends do.
The year I was in Korea went by so fast when I look back at it now But finally it was time to go to my next assignment and soon my plane flew me to Idaho. My roommate not far behind me went to Montana.
The interesting thing was that his family was only four hours away from where I was stationed and Eight from him.
I remember going to his parents house for the first time. I'd had my car for two months and Needed to get it into his driveway so the snow plows could go by at night. the Driveway was covered in ice and when I gassed it I slid right into the back of his moms car.
"Hi I'm me, I just hit your car" She laughed at me. His family are good people
They adopted me, I became a brother to him and one of the family. Life was good.
During the Christmas new years holiday times I would go back home to Florida and spend the time with my family and friend's I would always make sure to see Her
I remember once just showing up where she worked (a sand which shop) ordering my food and telling her to call me so we could hang out before I had to go back to Idaho
She never called. I was devastated
I had been back in Idaho for several weeks before I finally got a message from her. Apparently she had been sick as a dog and working three jobs to pay for school and ballet and couldn't even remember talking to me. I found out that she had actually passed out at work been taken to the doctor and found to have scarlet fever or something like that.
I sent her a check, to pay for that months ballet classes. She refused to cash it at first till I finally convinced her.
She was happy, I was happy.
We talked almost every day. sometimes about nothing at all. Life was good
another year, camping trips with my adopted family and thanksgiving dinners.
Home to Florida for Christmas again. Her and I hung out a lot this time. We became more than "Just good friends" I had to fly back to Idaho I had been back a week when I wrote a letter
I'd asked her to be my wife and sent her half of my dog tags.
She sent me back a picture of her wearing them smiling.
It was cheesy, but it was our kind of cheese
She came out to live with me, she went to school there while I worked. School was far away and work was to much but at the end of the day I came home to her and was always happy. Even if it was just to get into the door far enough to pass out on the floor. We didn't have a lot of money but we made things work. Eventually we even moved up to the city the school was in, it was an hour away from my work but it made life better for her so I did it without hesitation.
The holidays came around and her and I went to visit his family. He tackled her into the snow "What he didn't warn you about me?" we laughed and had a good time. the family adopted her we were all one big family. Life was good
While we all only ever saw each other in person rarely we did all hang out online a lot and became the closest of groups.
He was excited for her and I when we found out we were going to California. She had just graduated and we were going to start fresh in a new place. The world was ours.
Her and I got to California and we got a nice house we rented. we made it into a home. Six months later I put a little birdie into management's ear and we got Him stationed in Cali with us as well. Life was good.
We hung out constantly almost every night. I didn't mind because he was my brother and we all were good to and for each other.
One night I was tired, he was over and we were all watching a movie so I went to bed and tried to sleep but couldn't. eventually the opening scene kept replaying so I figured they had pass out on the couch. I came out and saw them snuggling and rubbing each others arms.
I asked if I was interrupting something. we had a fight, I kicked him out of the house. Her and I had a fight. we stayed up all night talking a lot of things were discussed. I had noticed they had been getting closer and closer and when I asked her about it she told me that it just happened and it was stupid and a mistake.
The next day I picked him up for work. we had a talk. I told him the only reason he was alive was because of who he was.
Several months went by, things got better. I tried to salvage the friendship.
Things still didn't feel right. She didn't greet me at the door like she used to. She jumped up to greet him when We finally let him come over for dinner again. I asked her about it. she told me I was being crazy and reading into it to much.
I should have stopped it, but I didn't. months went by. One night I was at my computer while they were in the living room. I got out of my chair too quietly because I walked in on them making out on my living room floor.
I banned him from the house permanently. Made him take everything of his with him. I confronted her about it she told me "she didn't need this" she left with him.
She walked out the door with him
I couldn't sleep that night when I closed my eyes I saw them on my floor
The next morning I walked into his house since I had a key, hoping she had just stayed in the spare bedroom. she was in his bedroom. the door was closed. I turned around and left before I did something stupid.
I remember calling my friend and talking to her she told me right there and then "leave her, its not worth it" She's a very wise friend
I'll never forget that Monday, going to work after waking up alone in an empty house. I'll never forget gathering all my supervisors and managers and telling them what happened. Why he and I could never work together again.
Another friend whome i'd been stationed with in Idaho worked with us in Cali, he was a good friend and offered that she stay with him if she wasn't going to stay with me. She moved into his house for a week.
I talked to her, we talked a lot, about a lot of things. we worked things out. She moved back in. things were rough but we worked on it. we had been married for four years at this point.
Things started getting better. I was happy she was happy. we were happy together. He was out of the picture because work had put a no contact order up so he couldn't talk to her.
Things got better. We got a dog. We started doing things together just her and I. She started meeting me at the door when I came home from work again. We talked about renewing our vows.
We talked about having children.
Work had to send me to japan for two months, it was a good TDY to go on, it would earn us a lot of money so we could go on a vacation together. We talked about it. She told me it would be ok, she'd stay busy with Ballet and we'd talk every night.
I told work to send me.
I'd been gone two weeks. She moved her stuff out to our other friends house. He wasn't even there when she did it.
We fought online. She told me she wanted a divorce. I got tired of trying to save our marriage. I know it sounds bad but its hard to fight when no ones helping you fight.
I finally agreed to give her the divorce.
I know its stupid, but that made things better. we talked like old friends again
I got back from Japan. the house was empty.
We flew to Florida, she held my hand on the plane. I didn't understand but I didn't complain.
when we landed her parents picked us up, they dropped me off at my parents house.
a few days went by, her and I talked almost every day. I asked if she'd changed her mind. she'd always laugh at me and say no. I always said I had to ask.
We filed the divorce paperwork. It was too easy.
We went to lunch together afterwards. It was nice, we had fun. We hung out for the rest of the time I was there almost every day. It was like old times. Like when we were "just good friends"
I had to fly back to California. her and her parents dropped me off. She hugged and kissed me before I got into the line.
I landed in Cali. I texted that I missed her, she laughed at me.
Two weeks went by. we talked every night. I'd asked if she'd changed her mind, she'd say no. I'd say I had to ask.
The final day came, and the courts approved our divorce on a Friday. we still talked, just like old times.
She flew out to Cali on a Wednesday, I saw her that night to give her her car and dog and some stuff. she stayed at our friends house. She gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I told her we'd do dinner to square away some paperwork and she agreed.
The house was so empty that night.
Thursday I texted her, she didn't respond. That night my friend said she didn't come back to his house. I'd hoped she wasn't where I thought she was.
Friday I called her, she didn't answer, I called again a few hours later, still no answer.
After work my friend said she was coming to pick up her stuff. I asked where she said she was moving to. He didn't want to say.
I drove over to my friends house, she was there, with the man that used to be my brother.
He had an armful of her stuff. he took a breath like he was going to say something. I told him if he ever talked to me I'd break every bone in his body and leave him for dead in the desert.
I remember the look in her eyes when she looked at me. I asked if I got an explanation. she asked if I wanted one. I didn't, wouldn't make sense to me anyways.
I made her sign the paperwork she needed to. the paperwork I'd wanted to deal with over dinner as friends.
I told her to enjoy her life. I left.
Every day I see him though, smiling and happy. I've killed that man a thousand times in my mind. and I've asked myself a thousand times why she threw away 15 years of friendship.
And I doubt I'll ever know.