Shitty Fanfiction Continued....
Well, I've unfortunately dug up even more craptastic fanfiction to post here, but I suppose I need to give a bit more background on it (yet again). You see, in my many illustrious years as an unknown, crappy fanfiction writer, I went through many "periods and eras". These periods were often defined by certain books, movies or songs, though most often movies. To take this a bit further, many eras also revolved around certain actors and/or singers. The story for today's posting took place during my Daniel Day-Lewis Era, Last of the Mohicans period; this would put me at around 21 years of age when writing the story. Yes, may >insert diety here< have mercy on me, but I was still writing fanfiction in my 20's.
The background of the story is non-existent (which translates to "I probably had an idea at the time that I was writing it, but I only managed to write four pages of it down and I've forgotten it now"), but it seems to revolve around Hawkeye (or Nathaniel of you prefer) and some random self-insert of me named Jamie. During this time in my life I was heavily into bodice rippers, trashy romance novels with no redeeming value other than coming up with a thousand amusing ways of referring to penises and vaginas. Being that I was romantically inexperienced at the time (read "a virgin"), this was pretty much all I had to go off of whilst attempting to write the HAWT SEXOR'S scenes.
Apparently relying on the book/movie verse a bit, Nathaniel is the white son adopted by Indians (maybe Mohicans, but who the fuck knows if I was writing it); either way, he's one of the last of what ever the hell tribe I assigned him to at the time. Jaime, my self-insert, is some vapid white chick with a teeny drop of Navaho somewhere in her bloodline. Naturally, Nathaniel wants to marry Jaime because she possesses this ever so precious diluted bit of Indian blood... he thinks it's some kind of sign that they are "meant to be". In actuality, this is just an excuse for Jaime and Nathaniel to get down and dirty in his wigwam (or whatever).
Now, Daniel Day Lewis is an attractive man, in my humble opinion, and he was particularly appealing in that movie because he played the HERO. However, I would certainly hope that either he or his character could come up with better dialogue than this crap:
In a motion that surely took less than a split second, Nathaniel reached out with one arm and pulled her against his bare chest, forcing her to look up into his green eyes.At least I didn't call them orbs. "Look at me Jaime!" he commanded, struggling to grab her face with one hand and hold her tight with the other. Didn't we just establish all of this?"Look into my eyes!" He finally captured her gaze and held it. "Now, tell me there's no spark between us, no 'chemistry'. Your mouth may lie, but your body cannot. I feel how it responds even now."
Dear >insert another random diety<, the man has GOT to be more articulate than that. But the cheese doesn't stop there folks... not when I'm in charge!
Jaime felt the color rising in her cheeks, felt the warm flush spread over her body, yet she could not tear her gaze from his. Sounds about as erotic as the mumps!"I feel you tremble against me, I feel the heat of your body burn against mine, and yet you try to deny it." HIs voice against her ear was little more than a hoarse whisper. "You are mine Jaime, and I am yours... we were born for each other." Oh, puke.
What follows after this is a lot of mindless blathering from both of them; she actively tries to foist him off on any other woman (as if I would have REALLY done that in any circumstance) and he keeps jibbering about "fate" and "destiny". The really astounding part is when he tells her that he's not Navaho (yep, I watched the movie and STILL got the ancestry wrong). The dumbass broad has the gall to actually be surprised at this revelation.
HIs answer was the ultimate surprise in the many that she'd received that day.Yeah, and I'm sure that the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening would be a "surprise" to a genius like this girl."I'm not at all Navaho in blood Jaime, not a drop." Smiling at her expression, he let her go. "Surely you guessed"Apparently he has severely overestimated her mental capacities.
"I... I knew you had some white in you... your features and your eyes said that. I just thought your father had been married twice, or had a white mistress." Jaime stammered, unable to deal very quickly with his rather casual statement of fact. Fuck it all... I give up on this bimbo!
The remaining two pages are an incoherent justification of them having animalistic sex right there; as if that needed to be justified! The sex scene is only barely started, as I was having difficulty at the time writing about a subject about which I had little to no working knowledge. It's just as well, because I'm sure it would be awkwardly worded and impossibly un-sexy. That's it. I'm done for today, this is way too much to handle at 4am. I'm off to bed, to dream of hot, stupidly written, pseudo-American Indian sex.
The background of the story is non-existent (which translates to "I probably had an idea at the time that I was writing it, but I only managed to write four pages of it down and I've forgotten it now"), but it seems to revolve around Hawkeye (or Nathaniel of you prefer) and some random self-insert of me named Jamie. During this time in my life I was heavily into bodice rippers, trashy romance novels with no redeeming value other than coming up with a thousand amusing ways of referring to penises and vaginas. Being that I was romantically inexperienced at the time (read "a virgin"), this was pretty much all I had to go off of whilst attempting to write the HAWT SEXOR'S scenes.
Apparently relying on the book/movie verse a bit, Nathaniel is the white son adopted by Indians (maybe Mohicans, but who the fuck knows if I was writing it); either way, he's one of the last of what ever the hell tribe I assigned him to at the time. Jaime, my self-insert, is some vapid white chick with a teeny drop of Navaho somewhere in her bloodline. Naturally, Nathaniel wants to marry Jaime because she possesses this ever so precious diluted bit of Indian blood... he thinks it's some kind of sign that they are "meant to be". In actuality, this is just an excuse for Jaime and Nathaniel to get down and dirty in his wigwam (or whatever).
Now, Daniel Day Lewis is an attractive man, in my humble opinion, and he was particularly appealing in that movie because he played the HERO. However, I would certainly hope that either he or his character could come up with better dialogue than this crap:
In a motion that surely took less than a split second, Nathaniel reached out with one arm and pulled her against his bare chest, forcing her to look up into his green eyes.At least I didn't call them orbs. "Look at me Jaime!" he commanded, struggling to grab her face with one hand and hold her tight with the other. Didn't we just establish all of this?"Look into my eyes!" He finally captured her gaze and held it. "Now, tell me there's no spark between us, no 'chemistry'. Your mouth may lie, but your body cannot. I feel how it responds even now."
Dear >insert another random diety<, the man has GOT to be more articulate than that. But the cheese doesn't stop there folks... not when I'm in charge!
Jaime felt the color rising in her cheeks, felt the warm flush spread over her body, yet she could not tear her gaze from his. Sounds about as erotic as the mumps!"I feel you tremble against me, I feel the heat of your body burn against mine, and yet you try to deny it." HIs voice against her ear was little more than a hoarse whisper. "You are mine Jaime, and I am yours... we were born for each other." Oh, puke.
What follows after this is a lot of mindless blathering from both of them; she actively tries to foist him off on any other woman (as if I would have REALLY done that in any circumstance) and he keeps jibbering about "fate" and "destiny". The really astounding part is when he tells her that he's not Navaho (yep, I watched the movie and STILL got the ancestry wrong). The dumbass broad has the gall to actually be surprised at this revelation.
HIs answer was the ultimate surprise in the many that she'd received that day.Yeah, and I'm sure that the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening would be a "surprise" to a genius like this girl."I'm not at all Navaho in blood Jaime, not a drop." Smiling at her expression, he let her go. "Surely you guessed"Apparently he has severely overestimated her mental capacities.
"I... I knew you had some white in you... your features and your eyes said that. I just thought your father had been married twice, or had a white mistress." Jaime stammered, unable to deal very quickly with his rather casual statement of fact. Fuck it all... I give up on this bimbo!
The remaining two pages are an incoherent justification of them having animalistic sex right there; as if that needed to be justified! The sex scene is only barely started, as I was having difficulty at the time writing about a subject about which I had little to no working knowledge. It's just as well, because I'm sure it would be awkwardly worded and impossibly un-sexy. That's it. I'm done for today, this is way too much to handle at 4am. I'm off to bed, to dream of hot, stupidly written, pseudo-American Indian sex.