Be Careful.
It seems like lately that's all I hear. "Be careful".
At first I didn't really understand what anyone meant when they said that to me. I am careful... right? Then a friend said... "You spent a good year and a half healing Karl... Be careful".
Then I thought about that. The last year and a half. The pain I felt. The darkest days of my life. The feeling of isolation and abandonment. The feeling of paralysis.
She says she's scared. We are moving so fast. She still doesn't know what she wants. When I first heard that I wasn't even sure what she was talking about, but later on a drive I realized that the last month or so was a blur.
At the time my body was running with an acute toxicity of jealousy running through my veins. I wanted the evening to myself which i got, but she was out with a friend (a guy) and the child inside of me wants to be the center of the universe. I am told that jealousy is a natural thing and the difference between good men and scumbags is how they deal with it.
I hate that feeling. I tell myself I'm not the jealous type because I don't indulge in the feelings of jealousy. It doesn't mean that they don't happen, but when I do feel it... I try to fall on trust.
I trust her. I know that I'm on her mind. She even called me during this drive to tell me she was thinking of me while she was still out with her friend. She melted my heart and made me feel so guilty for feeling any bit of that toxic jealousy.
At that moment I realized... I too am scared. I am scared because she already means so much to me.
So I needed to be out. I met with a friend to hear about the things that have been bothering her. We went to target. I was there to pick up frames for the posters that Sammy... (oh yeah, her name is Sammy... still haven't introduced her on here. I guess I should, but then again I'm waiting... waiting for her to decide what I am to her... She has read through my old entries and says that I talk about girls a lot. I don't want her to be some LJ entry about a girl and that's it. I want to write more than just that about her. I want a story here.)
... Anyway I'm sure writing inside a parenthesis that long is probably bad form or something... Anyway, Sammy got me a very awesome poster and also painted something for me. I wanted to frame them because they both deserve that kind of attention. When I went home I mounted the painting first. It looked great and I sent her a picture of it. I wanted her to see how much even a little expression of hers means to me... Her painting is beautiful and its now in a frame because that little expression of hers... moved me. She moves me.
She moves me so I need to be careful.
I need to be careful.
i need to be careful
i need to be careful
be careful
be careful
be care
be scared
I need to be scared. Right now we are on skype. She is sleeping and just so beautiful... I have this song playing on repeat. I wonder what's on her mind, what she is dreaming of. I wonder about her fears. I wonder if it is me she fears or if it is the uncertainty of what she thinks she wants vs what she really wants vs what she needs vs seeing the future presented in front of her and just wanting to take a pass.
And there it is... That last bit. That is what I should be scared of.
Being the right guy, but just not the guy for right now.
Sometimes not knowing what you want consistently is knowing exactly what you want.
I'm thinking too much. I hope this never gets read... and yet I post it. Knowing it will get read eventually.
She sleeps and she's stolen my heart.
Just Be Careful.
seems too late for all that now.
At first I didn't really understand what anyone meant when they said that to me. I am careful... right? Then a friend said... "You spent a good year and a half healing Karl... Be careful".
Then I thought about that. The last year and a half. The pain I felt. The darkest days of my life. The feeling of isolation and abandonment. The feeling of paralysis.
She says she's scared. We are moving so fast. She still doesn't know what she wants. When I first heard that I wasn't even sure what she was talking about, but later on a drive I realized that the last month or so was a blur.
At the time my body was running with an acute toxicity of jealousy running through my veins. I wanted the evening to myself which i got, but she was out with a friend (a guy) and the child inside of me wants to be the center of the universe. I am told that jealousy is a natural thing and the difference between good men and scumbags is how they deal with it.
I hate that feeling. I tell myself I'm not the jealous type because I don't indulge in the feelings of jealousy. It doesn't mean that they don't happen, but when I do feel it... I try to fall on trust.
I trust her. I know that I'm on her mind. She even called me during this drive to tell me she was thinking of me while she was still out with her friend. She melted my heart and made me feel so guilty for feeling any bit of that toxic jealousy.
At that moment I realized... I too am scared. I am scared because she already means so much to me.
So I needed to be out. I met with a friend to hear about the things that have been bothering her. We went to target. I was there to pick up frames for the posters that Sammy... (oh yeah, her name is Sammy... still haven't introduced her on here. I guess I should, but then again I'm waiting... waiting for her to decide what I am to her... She has read through my old entries and says that I talk about girls a lot. I don't want her to be some LJ entry about a girl and that's it. I want to write more than just that about her. I want a story here.)
... Anyway I'm sure writing inside a parenthesis that long is probably bad form or something... Anyway, Sammy got me a very awesome poster and also painted something for me. I wanted to frame them because they both deserve that kind of attention. When I went home I mounted the painting first. It looked great and I sent her a picture of it. I wanted her to see how much even a little expression of hers means to me... Her painting is beautiful and its now in a frame because that little expression of hers... moved me. She moves me.
She moves me so I need to be careful.
I need to be careful.
i need to be careful
i need to be careful
be careful
be careful
be care
be scared
I need to be scared. Right now we are on skype. She is sleeping and just so beautiful... I have this song playing on repeat. I wonder what's on her mind, what she is dreaming of. I wonder about her fears. I wonder if it is me she fears or if it is the uncertainty of what she thinks she wants vs what she really wants vs what she needs vs seeing the future presented in front of her and just wanting to take a pass.
And there it is... That last bit. That is what I should be scared of.
Being the right guy, but just not the guy for right now.
Sometimes not knowing what you want consistently is knowing exactly what you want.
I'm thinking too much. I hope this never gets read... and yet I post it. Knowing it will get read eventually.
She sleeps and she's stolen my heart.
Just Be Careful.
seems too late for all that now.