hurt and used
There is a reason that I haven't been writing in here lately; I've been too depressed, too hurt to take the time to do so. I guess I should start from the beginning, eh? Okay, well, the begin is Wednesday, the 21st. On Wednesday, I knew that Christina was going to go with another one of her internet boyfriends to the Drive-in, and I was getting so worried that something would happen to her, that I decided that I should go as well, in a different car, of course, but parking right next to her. So, I got home, made the plans, asking my mom if I could "give Olivia a birthday present early" by taking her to the Drive-in with me. Well, okay, and I wanted olivia to enjoy herself, so I let her choose one friend she could take. She choose a boy named Jeremy. That was my first mistake, because Christina's date canceled, but I have Olivia's hopes up, and I didn't want to break that, so I decided Christina should come too. So it was Olivia, her friend Jeremy, Christina and I, all going together in my car. That was my second mistake. Well, I had to put Tony to bed, and so Olivia, Christina and Jeremy were waiting in our front yard, and appearently Christina and Jeremy found some interests in eachother. I noticed, but younger boys will flirt, and Christina is a flirt, whatever. It didn't really bother me, until we were already at the Drive-in, and Christina insisted that she and Jeremy sit in the back of the car together. I gave in, and let them. My third mistake. The entire movie they were getting close to eachother, and ended the movie with making out. I ignored it, my fourth mistake. So, we were sitting in Spiderman 2, when they all decided that they wanted to go somewhere and park the car. By this time I had had enough, but I didn't want to be the party pooper, so I endured it. All night, until two thirty am I was listening to them making out, watching the road with total disdain, and wishing I were home in my bed, that I hadn't gone to the drive in at all, and that Christina cared about herself more than to get with a guy who was younger, smoked, was getting busted for drugs, and already had a girlfriend. Well, the next day, I was shoping with mum in Salem, when I got a call from Christina, asking if she could go into my room, because her whole house was super hot. I had an idea that she was going to meet Jeremy, but I wanted to be the cool friend again, so I said yes. My fifth mistake. So, I get home, and I purposely didn't knock on my own door, and when I swung it open, Jeremy has his shirt off, and Christina is whiping her lips with the back of her hand. I got in, apoligized, got my stuff, told them to leave soon and be quiet, and just left them to do whatever they wished. My sixth mistake. Then I left for the weekend with Emma and her family to Newport, along with Abbe Groh and Stephanie King. I had so much fun, and was being so carefree; enjoying the beach, and the company, and the never ending mint chocolate cake, when on Sunday, I got a text message from Christina saying, "What would you say if I told you that Jeremy and I had sex on your bed?" I replied with, "Did you?" I was in shock. I thought that after I had left on Thursday they had had sex, and it was my fault for letting them stay in there without me being there, or my parents knowing. "No, but can we?" She answered. "No, I'm sorry... actually, I'm not sorry, because one day you'll meet some one that you'll think is special and who will make you fill special, and you'll regret giving away your virginity to some one who didn't care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself like that." Is what my little speech was to her, but I guess it wasn't enough... Right then I should have called my mother and told her to make Olivia stay inside, and lock my doors, because a plan was being planned. I wouldn't have told her what, just to watch out; but I didn't. My seventh mistake. On Sunday night, I got a call from Olivia asking for Christina's number. I told her it, but then asked her softly, while crying, not to call her. She said she wouldn't, but I made her promise me that she woudln't call, and I begged her not to get involved. I just didn't want her to get dragged into anything that she didn't have to. I love her, and anything that can hurt her, I want to keep her from. Obviously, me crying for her to please not do something wasn't convincing enough for her not to do it, because when I got home on Monday, Tony told me that Christina and Olivia had been spending a lot of time together. I knew right then, that Olivia had broken my promise. I had asked her on the phone, "Think about it, Olivia. When's the last time that Christina wanted to talk to you?" I wasn't trying to be mean, but I wanted her to understand that Christina was using her for Jeremy, even though I wasn't sure how, I knew that it was the truth. I was right. After I got home, and Olivia showed up, I made her tell me if they had had sex in my room. They had, and not on Thursday; they had been using my room all weekend to do whatever the hell they wanted to do. I cannot describe how hurt I was. How used I felt, and still do felt. Now I know the whole thing, how and when, but I still don't understand why. What were they thinking to lie, and sneak, and.. use me and my parents. Both of them, no, all three of them, Olivia, Christina, and Jeremy. So, I was enjoying my innocent weekend with the friends who don't decieve me; meanwhile, in Dallas, Oregon, Carolyn Hudson's room, this is what was happening: Christina and Jeremy were using my room all weekend for whatever they wanted to do, and Olivia was helping them get in and out. On Sunday night, after I had told Christina that she could not use my room to have sex in, they used my room to have sex in. Jeremy gave Olivia a few ciggerettes to smoke, they smoked in my room, had sex in my room, un-virginized my bed and room, cheated, hurt, snuck, hurt, lied, and have I mentioned hurt people, all in the confines of my room. *Sigh* I still cannot process all the hurt and pain that I'm feeling still. On Monday, I told Tony, called Christina, told her all the pain she had caused in my family, and felt like total shit (excuse the language) all night, hardly slept, and dreamed of only people decieving me. Then, on Tuesday, I made the decision, that I would tell Christina what she needed to hear, that I cared for her, and that she should care for herself, and how she had hurt me, and we were in there for at least an hour and a half, most of the time me talking. And then I decided, it was enough, she was sorry, she was reaping the consequences, and I had done everything I could. And so my mind was made up; I could forgive and forget, really, or I could stay mad, and hurt our friendship as much, if not more, than she had, because it would have been intentional on my part. I made the decision to take her out for icecream, and deal. Just because I forgave her, doesn't mean that it isn't effecting me. To say that, would be lying to only myself. I'm so hurt, not just by her, but by Olivia, and the whole situation. I just, I cry to think that I could have stopped this, some how, even though it wasn't my fault in the least. Oh, lord! I still don't know what to do. I want to trust both Olivia and Christina as much as I did before this whole thing, but now I don't think I can. I don't think I can trust anybody right now, because I am still so hurt, I still feel so used. And I honestly don't know what to do. I just don't know, anymore...