(no subject)
im in such a shitty mood...
i miss alek so much it like, literally makes me sick.. everytime i think about him i get all dizzy and sick to my stomach... and lately i just cant stop thinking about it... like i always have these images in my head of him in the casket and his mom holding his blanket and all the people... ive never seen so many people in so much pain in my life... and i just cant get it out of my head, it all plays over and over and over again until im literally left curled up in a corner crying with a bloody nose... its seriously making me crazy, i want it to stop...
the doctor gave me all kinds of pills to make it go away but it doesnt... all they do is make it impossible to cry and then i end up just feeling like im going to explode...
i really really need someone to tell me that theres like, something more out there... i cant stand thinking that alek just... disappeared, you know? i want to know that hes like, still there somewhere...
isnt it amazing how one person has the ability to completely turn your life upside down?
and everytime i sleep i have awful nightmares but its always the same thing over and over again...its always different places but its the same thing... its like i see alek and im so happy because hes okay and i go to touch him and he crumbles... or disappears.... every time... then i wake up screaming and my mother comes in and tries to calm me down like im still fucking 3 years old...
im going crazy, seriously... i really need help but nothing works... and all this is supposed to get better with time but it just doesnt, it only gets worse...
i need to get the hell away from here, seriously... i dont care where i go, as long as its far far away from here.
so... this is my cry for help, if anyone cares...
i miss alek so much it like, literally makes me sick.. everytime i think about him i get all dizzy and sick to my stomach... and lately i just cant stop thinking about it... like i always have these images in my head of him in the casket and his mom holding his blanket and all the people... ive never seen so many people in so much pain in my life... and i just cant get it out of my head, it all plays over and over and over again until im literally left curled up in a corner crying with a bloody nose... its seriously making me crazy, i want it to stop...
the doctor gave me all kinds of pills to make it go away but it doesnt... all they do is make it impossible to cry and then i end up just feeling like im going to explode...
i really really need someone to tell me that theres like, something more out there... i cant stand thinking that alek just... disappeared, you know? i want to know that hes like, still there somewhere...
isnt it amazing how one person has the ability to completely turn your life upside down?
and everytime i sleep i have awful nightmares but its always the same thing over and over again...its always different places but its the same thing... its like i see alek and im so happy because hes okay and i go to touch him and he crumbles... or disappears.... every time... then i wake up screaming and my mother comes in and tries to calm me down like im still fucking 3 years old...
im going crazy, seriously... i really need help but nothing works... and all this is supposed to get better with time but it just doesnt, it only gets worse...
i need to get the hell away from here, seriously... i dont care where i go, as long as its far far away from here.
so... this is my cry for help, if anyone cares...