Fic Grief
Title: Grief
Author: spaders_bitch
Pairing: Seth/Ryan
Rating: R
Warning: Pathos... no, really
Spoilers: season 2 finale
Disclaimer: I'm all theirs, but they're not mine. Don't sue, but if you do... I'm (kind of) a lawyer myself!
Note: A rather angry attempt at dealing with a season finale I was not happy with. Thus the boys get to suffer.
I'm sending grateful hugs and kisses to hyperfocused for encouragement and beta. Every mistake is mine. Hope you'll like it.
Feedback makes for a very happy German fangirl!
Grief
Seth took Ryan's hand at the funeral. Ryan didn't pull away, but he also didn't squeeze back or look at him. He just let Seth hold his hand. Maybe he didn't even notice. Since the night of Trey's death Ryan had allowed no one to touch him, not even Seth. He didn't talk, hardly ate, didn't leave the pool house until just before the funeral. Seth had tried many times to talk to him, hug him, comfort him, but had been powerless against the retreat and capitulation in Ryan's eyes. He received no glare of doom, no flash of anger, just blank stares that never focused on his face.
But Seth wouldn't give up. So he took Ryan's hand at the funeral. And he went to the pool house again that night. The blinds were all down and there was no movement inside. Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as Seth entered. He closed the door, walked in and stopped in the middle of the room. Just standing there.
Nothing happened. He heard Ryan breathing hard, louder to his ears than his own panicked inhalations. He was so helpless, nothing he had done or tried had had any effect on Ryan, so he came here to ... to do what? To offer all that was left of him, to silently announce his defeat and to put everything in Ryan's hands, let Ryan have it his way, because the Cohen way had failed terribly. All he could do now was stand here. If Ryan wanted to be alone he had to tell Seth, if he wanted to punch someone he had to punch Seth. No matter what, at least Ryan had to acknowledge his existence.
Lost in his own despairing thoughts he almost missed when Ryan stood up and walked toward him. Seth's breath froze in his lungs. This could be it. The moment Ryan would let Seth in and let him embrace his boyfriend with all his love and care and support. Everything would finally start to get better and they would be Seth and Ryan again. But Ryan looked grimly at the floor, not at him, as he came closer. Ryan didn't look at him when he grabbed Seth's dick through his pyjamas and started rubbing it ruggedly and unceremonially, bringing it to hardness with rough strokes.
Seth wanted him to stop, wanted to say ... something, anything. He opened his mouth, probably for the first time in his life not having the slightest idea what would come out, but then Ryan spoke with a cracked voice so quiet Seth could barely hear him. "Don't. Just fuck me. Please." There was no love, no desire in his words, just need and pleas, and it made Seth feel sick. He leaned forward, trying to change what was happening into something tender, solacing and familiar.
He wanted to kiss and touch Ryan, to comfort him, make love to him. But Ryan turned his head away avoiding Seth's lips and yanked Seth's softly touching hands violently aside. "Please, just ... please." Ryan muttered, more to himself, fumbling with shaking hands on Seth's pyjamas.
Seth somehow understood. Ryan wanted to be fucked, not more. He didn't want to talk about his feelings, didn't want to be loved and held. He wanted to be taken, hard and fast and nothing else. Just something to blow his brains out for a few minutes, a cock inside him to cause pain and pleasure, something to focus all his thinking on, to allow feelings that would be safe, strictly biological, purely body related. He just wanted to forget about all the shit for a brief moment.
And Seth who had offered himself without conditions to Ryan's way of dealing gave him what he needed. Fucked him senseless and numb, to little lube, to little preparation, giving Ryan the pain he needed.
Seth ran up to his room afterward, tears of pain and shame bursting out of him. Pain because Ryan had not once looked at him or touched him, shame because he came so hard in Ryan. Anger, helplessness and frustration that had been building in him for days entered into his orgasm.
Every night after that Seth was summoned to the pool house and Ryan would wait for him, not looking, not touching besides making him hard, not saying anything, but a whispered "Please, please." And Seth fucked him every night, with tears streaming down his face, unnoticed because Ryan wouldn't look at him, would face the bed and would not turn as long as Seth was there.
But Seth had been hoping every night it would be different this time, that Ryan would show some kind of emotional reaction, progress, anything. Nothing changed. It broke his heart every single time Ryan stood up from the bed and walked closer, not looking. Not wanting Seth to be anything but a painful, hard fuck.
Seth was on the edge of falling apart, close to hating Ryan and already hating himself for his love not being strong enough to change this fucked up situation. Finally he went down to the pool house to end it, this and maybe everything that was between them. He had prepared what to say, couldn't allow himself to fall into mindless babbling. Not his time. That would be the Cohen way. That had failed already.
As he approached the room Ryan came to him again eyes strictly on the floor. When Ryan reached out for his pants Seth stopped the motion, holding his hand on the wrist and said with all the determination he could gather, "No. I'm not coming down here again. Not for this. I love you, Ryan, you know that and I have done everything you wanted me to. I would have never done that for anyone but you. But we can't go on with this. I can't be with you anymore. Not like this. You not wanting me, not loving me, not looking at me. I thought you needed this for some kind of grief, that it would help you deal with ... everything. This is not the way. It's doing nothing but making me hate me and hate you. And that is killing me."
His voice broke at the last word. That was it, he had said it. He had set an ultimatum for their relationship. It was all he could do. Nothing more. Their future was up to Ryan. Here and now.
Ryan only stared at the hand on his wrist then back at the floor and continued to whisper "Please, please" like he hadn't heard anything said to him. Seth let go of Ryan, swallowed down hot tears, turned around and left, defeated again, this time for good. There was nothing left to say.
Seth lay in his bed, beat, grieving silently over the loss of the most important person in his life. He couldn't think of anything, but that he had lost Ryan and that there's nothing he could do about it. He cried himself to sleep, pictures of Ryan crossing his restless mind.
Confused and still caught in slowly fading dreams he woke up. It was still dark outside. The memory of the evening hit him with such force that he gagged and his heart twitched violently. He felt like he was dying. Then he saw him, standing close to the bed, whole body shaking. Eyes full of pain and fear. Eyes looking at him. Making contact. Locking with his own. No word, no sound. But his eyes were begging. For help. For love. For Seth.
Seth exhaled a shaky breath, sat up and slowly took Ryan's hand like he had done at the funeral. No pressure just presence. He counted his own heartbeat. And came to 8. There was a thumb moving over the back of his hand. And then fingers closing over his, one by one, slowly, but not stopping. Closing so tight it hurt. Seth did not flinch at the pain that felt like his hand was being crushed. He felt Ryan clinging to him with everything he had. Clinging at the only part of him he had offered tonight. And Seth pulled. Carefully. Tugged on the hand, pulled the attached body to the bed, to him. Ryan fell limply into Seth, his hand still clenching around the other's. A soft sobbing emerged deep from Ryan, final attempt at forcing tears and pain back inside. Seth brought his free arm around the shivering waist and pressed it into Ryan's back to pull him closer, to prevent every chance for him to leave again ever. Ryan whimpered. He buried his head in Seth neck clasping his nape and Seth felt the tears starting. Seth rocked him in his arms, tracing soothing circles on the other boy's back as Ryan cried out his grief and hate and helplessness. And Seth knew they would going to be okay. They were already Seth and Ryan again.
Ende
Author: spaders_bitch
Pairing: Seth/Ryan
Rating: R
Warning: Pathos... no, really
Spoilers: season 2 finale
Disclaimer: I'm all theirs, but they're not mine. Don't sue, but if you do... I'm (kind of) a lawyer myself!
Note: A rather angry attempt at dealing with a season finale I was not happy with. Thus the boys get to suffer.
I'm sending grateful hugs and kisses to hyperfocused for encouragement and beta. Every mistake is mine. Hope you'll like it.
Feedback makes for a very happy German fangirl!
Grief
Seth took Ryan's hand at the funeral. Ryan didn't pull away, but he also didn't squeeze back or look at him. He just let Seth hold his hand. Maybe he didn't even notice. Since the night of Trey's death Ryan had allowed no one to touch him, not even Seth. He didn't talk, hardly ate, didn't leave the pool house until just before the funeral. Seth had tried many times to talk to him, hug him, comfort him, but had been powerless against the retreat and capitulation in Ryan's eyes. He received no glare of doom, no flash of anger, just blank stares that never focused on his face.
But Seth wouldn't give up. So he took Ryan's hand at the funeral. And he went to the pool house again that night. The blinds were all down and there was no movement inside. Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as Seth entered. He closed the door, walked in and stopped in the middle of the room. Just standing there.
Nothing happened. He heard Ryan breathing hard, louder to his ears than his own panicked inhalations. He was so helpless, nothing he had done or tried had had any effect on Ryan, so he came here to ... to do what? To offer all that was left of him, to silently announce his defeat and to put everything in Ryan's hands, let Ryan have it his way, because the Cohen way had failed terribly. All he could do now was stand here. If Ryan wanted to be alone he had to tell Seth, if he wanted to punch someone he had to punch Seth. No matter what, at least Ryan had to acknowledge his existence.
Lost in his own despairing thoughts he almost missed when Ryan stood up and walked toward him. Seth's breath froze in his lungs. This could be it. The moment Ryan would let Seth in and let him embrace his boyfriend with all his love and care and support. Everything would finally start to get better and they would be Seth and Ryan again. But Ryan looked grimly at the floor, not at him, as he came closer. Ryan didn't look at him when he grabbed Seth's dick through his pyjamas and started rubbing it ruggedly and unceremonially, bringing it to hardness with rough strokes.
Seth wanted him to stop, wanted to say ... something, anything. He opened his mouth, probably for the first time in his life not having the slightest idea what would come out, but then Ryan spoke with a cracked voice so quiet Seth could barely hear him. "Don't. Just fuck me. Please." There was no love, no desire in his words, just need and pleas, and it made Seth feel sick. He leaned forward, trying to change what was happening into something tender, solacing and familiar.
He wanted to kiss and touch Ryan, to comfort him, make love to him. But Ryan turned his head away avoiding Seth's lips and yanked Seth's softly touching hands violently aside. "Please, just ... please." Ryan muttered, more to himself, fumbling with shaking hands on Seth's pyjamas.
Seth somehow understood. Ryan wanted to be fucked, not more. He didn't want to talk about his feelings, didn't want to be loved and held. He wanted to be taken, hard and fast and nothing else. Just something to blow his brains out for a few minutes, a cock inside him to cause pain and pleasure, something to focus all his thinking on, to allow feelings that would be safe, strictly biological, purely body related. He just wanted to forget about all the shit for a brief moment.
And Seth who had offered himself without conditions to Ryan's way of dealing gave him what he needed. Fucked him senseless and numb, to little lube, to little preparation, giving Ryan the pain he needed.
Seth ran up to his room afterward, tears of pain and shame bursting out of him. Pain because Ryan had not once looked at him or touched him, shame because he came so hard in Ryan. Anger, helplessness and frustration that had been building in him for days entered into his orgasm.
Every night after that Seth was summoned to the pool house and Ryan would wait for him, not looking, not touching besides making him hard, not saying anything, but a whispered "Please, please." And Seth fucked him every night, with tears streaming down his face, unnoticed because Ryan wouldn't look at him, would face the bed and would not turn as long as Seth was there.
But Seth had been hoping every night it would be different this time, that Ryan would show some kind of emotional reaction, progress, anything. Nothing changed. It broke his heart every single time Ryan stood up from the bed and walked closer, not looking. Not wanting Seth to be anything but a painful, hard fuck.
Seth was on the edge of falling apart, close to hating Ryan and already hating himself for his love not being strong enough to change this fucked up situation. Finally he went down to the pool house to end it, this and maybe everything that was between them. He had prepared what to say, couldn't allow himself to fall into mindless babbling. Not his time. That would be the Cohen way. That had failed already.
As he approached the room Ryan came to him again eyes strictly on the floor. When Ryan reached out for his pants Seth stopped the motion, holding his hand on the wrist and said with all the determination he could gather, "No. I'm not coming down here again. Not for this. I love you, Ryan, you know that and I have done everything you wanted me to. I would have never done that for anyone but you. But we can't go on with this. I can't be with you anymore. Not like this. You not wanting me, not loving me, not looking at me. I thought you needed this for some kind of grief, that it would help you deal with ... everything. This is not the way. It's doing nothing but making me hate me and hate you. And that is killing me."
His voice broke at the last word. That was it, he had said it. He had set an ultimatum for their relationship. It was all he could do. Nothing more. Their future was up to Ryan. Here and now.
Ryan only stared at the hand on his wrist then back at the floor and continued to whisper "Please, please" like he hadn't heard anything said to him. Seth let go of Ryan, swallowed down hot tears, turned around and left, defeated again, this time for good. There was nothing left to say.
Seth lay in his bed, beat, grieving silently over the loss of the most important person in his life. He couldn't think of anything, but that he had lost Ryan and that there's nothing he could do about it. He cried himself to sleep, pictures of Ryan crossing his restless mind.
Confused and still caught in slowly fading dreams he woke up. It was still dark outside. The memory of the evening hit him with such force that he gagged and his heart twitched violently. He felt like he was dying. Then he saw him, standing close to the bed, whole body shaking. Eyes full of pain and fear. Eyes looking at him. Making contact. Locking with his own. No word, no sound. But his eyes were begging. For help. For love. For Seth.
Seth exhaled a shaky breath, sat up and slowly took Ryan's hand like he had done at the funeral. No pressure just presence. He counted his own heartbeat. And came to 8. There was a thumb moving over the back of his hand. And then fingers closing over his, one by one, slowly, but not stopping. Closing so tight it hurt. Seth did not flinch at the pain that felt like his hand was being crushed. He felt Ryan clinging to him with everything he had. Clinging at the only part of him he had offered tonight. And Seth pulled. Carefully. Tugged on the hand, pulled the attached body to the bed, to him. Ryan fell limply into Seth, his hand still clenching around the other's. A soft sobbing emerged deep from Ryan, final attempt at forcing tears and pain back inside. Seth brought his free arm around the shivering waist and pressed it into Ryan's back to pull him closer, to prevent every chance for him to leave again ever. Ryan whimpered. He buried his head in Seth neck clasping his nape and Seth felt the tears starting. Seth rocked him in his arms, tracing soothing circles on the other boy's back as Ryan cried out his grief and hate and helplessness. And Seth knew they would going to be okay. They were already Seth and Ryan again.
Ende