some thoughts while returning
HELLO.
Hot damn, I'm not gonna lie: figuring out what to put here is hard. If I was writing into the void, then I probably wouldn't worry so much if what I'm writing here is ~good~ or ~eloquent~ or whatever, but since I know I am writing for a few very specific people, it is far more difficult to let the words flow. All of my mental censors are running, because I want to give you the right words. Whatever they are.
I am back in Toronto now, as of last night. While I cannot say I'm especially happy about this, I spent some hours today just walking around, and that was good. I'm ... probably never going to be completely happy here. I won't say I'd be completely happy in Central Pennsylvania, either; I vividly remember my last years of college, and how I was dying to get away. But I seem to have a consistently higher happiness potential level at home than I do here. It's uncomfortable to think about.
But I can be okay here. So I took a walk today, to just get myself moving back in this city, and I saw all sorts of people and all sorts of motor vehicles, and a lot of pigeons too. It was clear and breezy and felt a bit like fall, and I wore a frilly, femme blouse I picked up last week at a thrift store and felt okay in it.
I don't know if I'm especially good at this job that I have, this being-an-activist job, because I would rather read fiction than plan actions. Oh, so many reasons. But this is the job that I have now, it's the job I've had for three and a half years, and I have five more months to go. I have to try. I have to keep trying to do my best.
Hot damn, I'm not gonna lie: figuring out what to put here is hard. If I was writing into the void, then I probably wouldn't worry so much if what I'm writing here is ~good~ or ~eloquent~ or whatever, but since I know I am writing for a few very specific people, it is far more difficult to let the words flow. All of my mental censors are running, because I want to give you the right words. Whatever they are.
I am back in Toronto now, as of last night. While I cannot say I'm especially happy about this, I spent some hours today just walking around, and that was good. I'm ... probably never going to be completely happy here. I won't say I'd be completely happy in Central Pennsylvania, either; I vividly remember my last years of college, and how I was dying to get away. But I seem to have a consistently higher happiness potential level at home than I do here. It's uncomfortable to think about.
But I can be okay here. So I took a walk today, to just get myself moving back in this city, and I saw all sorts of people and all sorts of motor vehicles, and a lot of pigeons too. It was clear and breezy and felt a bit like fall, and I wore a frilly, femme blouse I picked up last week at a thrift store and felt okay in it.
I don't know if I'm especially good at this job that I have, this being-an-activist job, because I would rather read fiction than plan actions. Oh, so many reasons. But this is the job that I have now, it's the job I've had for three and a half years, and I have five more months to go. I have to try. I have to keep trying to do my best.