What takes me so long?
Well here I am 2 years later, and life is so different. And the same. And better. And worse. Life has never been better or worse than it is right now. I'm now married and I have the most beautiful baby girl that ever lived. Aaria Martin Rivera. She's the best and most wonderful thing to ever happen to us. She's also of course presented some financial difficulties that have me worried and on edge almost daily. I quit my job to take care of her and as I write this it's hard to imagine that this is MY life now. Surely this is all happening to someone else, right? Everything is so surreal. I've always been in an existential crisis, and that is no different now. And as urgent I felt like self-improvement was before, times that by a 100 and that's how I feel now. Because I CANNOT let any of my garbage get inside of my precious, innocent, perfect baby girl. And I know Matt feels the same way. He and I are so different, yet exactly the same, which sometimes makes things more difficult.. and easier. Gah!
I've just been so stressed out about so many things. It feels much of the time like everything is spiraling out of control and it's all I can do to hold it all together long enough to make food every day and that's about it. I'm exaggerating, to be sure, but when I feel this much things are bound to get exaggerated. I hardly shower anymore, I haven't worked out in so long, brushing my teeth rarely happens, I can't get a handle on my clothes shopping habit, I can hardly discuss anything even bordering stressful with my husband without crying uncontrollably. But I'm reminded daily that no matter how much I "didn't get done" during the day, we have a happy healthy thriving baby girl. Which is wonderful and amazing and I'm in so much awe of everything relating to her. But what about me? I can't continue like this for long. I have to find a way to take better care of myself so I can contribute more to our family. Matt thinks I contribute exactly the right amount to our family, but it's not enough to me. And I don't think that's just me being too hard on myself. I can and must do more, because it will help me feel better. My middle name is Meliora, which means progress.. if I'm not making progress I feel like there's something missing. Progress can mean lots of things. It doesn't have to mean finishing everything, although that is the end goal. It just means making a dent in a project that I can see. Sometimes, especially when it comes to household projects, it's hard to see what's been done on one project when another one is taking up physical space blocking the view of the other one. Does that make sense? My physical space has been so cluttered and disorganized for what feels like forever and it's clouding up my mind. It's so hard for me to focus. Add to that the baby and her non-stop neediness (man I love her so much though!) and forget about it! Everything that was hard for me before is SO much harder now. I regret having put off good habit building before she came along.
Ok that's all for now... I wonder if I can manage to start writing in here more often? Haha how many times have I said that in my life?