(no subject)
I sit here now.. about 6 hours before I register for my spring semester of my freshman year. One semester is gone.. only 4 more football seasons left.. only 4 more augusts saying hello to college station. In 4 years I will look at this campus and say my goodbye. I will move onto the real world and only have the memories spent here to keep me company.
1 semester down and what have I accomplished?
Yes I will be leaving with probably a 3.9 GPA and 12 hours under my belt but other than that I have had a REALLY disappointing semester.
I gained more than the freshman 15 the first month I was here. I sat scarfing down the chick fil a saying "oh man tomorrow I'm totally going to diet" generally believing and having faith in myself. I watched my bank account dwindle as I made sure i had that AMAZING "one last meal" before that diet began realizing the next day once I didnt diet that I needed that one last meal again. I watched my friendship with Leslie erase as I became "too busy" to make an effort to go down to watch anything. I watched as all of my "friends" from high school have forgotten who I am / that I even exist. I watched as I rekindled a friendship with alexis only to watch it be forgotten because I didnt have time to write back to her last email. Ive watched Sundays role by me saying "next sunday I will be at Living Hope" and generally hoping that it happens however when saturday night roles around I make no effort to find a ride nor do I set my alarm the next day. I've watched as I started out so excited about Phi Lamb only to become a halfass member who barely attends anything and only shows up because of the obligation. I watched myself miss meetings for HSSC and miss outings with my school just to hang out inside my room. Ive watched myself skip out on fun times because "i don't drink" or "i'm better than that"..
when in all honesty.. i'm not better than anything. I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm a sinner and I'm not even good at being one. I try to pretend that I'm in Phi Lamb and some how that makes me better than half of the people that go to A&M.. or that I'm a republican and I don't kill babies so suddenly, again, i'm somehow 10 million times better than those who do. I'm terrible.
I am a fat, lazy, annoying, full of herself, girl who no one could ever love.
yet Jesus does... everyday he waits for me to come to him with anything at all.. whether its a hello or with everything I'm carrying on my shoulders and everyday I keep him waiting. I keep the Lord of the Universe waiting for me to give him the time of day. I'll spend hours searching facebook and reading emails and away messages hoping someone will show me today that I matter. But I dont matter. The only one that does is the one we ignore... the one I ignore more than anyone.
I can feel myself want more than anything to give my life back over to the Lord.. to let him take control of my fears.. my doubts.. my loves.. and my joys...
but until I can do that I have to start by giving him my time.
officially 6 hours now before I register for my spring semester of my freshman year and I finally realize how low I am.. it took me 18 and a 1/2 years to realize that I am nothing without the Lord and I'm sick of trying to be something... ANYTHING.. without him.
1 semester down and what have I accomplished?
Yes I will be leaving with probably a 3.9 GPA and 12 hours under my belt but other than that I have had a REALLY disappointing semester.
I gained more than the freshman 15 the first month I was here. I sat scarfing down the chick fil a saying "oh man tomorrow I'm totally going to diet" generally believing and having faith in myself. I watched my bank account dwindle as I made sure i had that AMAZING "one last meal" before that diet began realizing the next day once I didnt diet that I needed that one last meal again. I watched my friendship with Leslie erase as I became "too busy" to make an effort to go down to watch anything. I watched as all of my "friends" from high school have forgotten who I am / that I even exist. I watched as I rekindled a friendship with alexis only to watch it be forgotten because I didnt have time to write back to her last email. Ive watched Sundays role by me saying "next sunday I will be at Living Hope" and generally hoping that it happens however when saturday night roles around I make no effort to find a ride nor do I set my alarm the next day. I've watched as I started out so excited about Phi Lamb only to become a halfass member who barely attends anything and only shows up because of the obligation. I watched myself miss meetings for HSSC and miss outings with my school just to hang out inside my room. Ive watched myself skip out on fun times because "i don't drink" or "i'm better than that"..
when in all honesty.. i'm not better than anything. I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm a sinner and I'm not even good at being one. I try to pretend that I'm in Phi Lamb and some how that makes me better than half of the people that go to A&M.. or that I'm a republican and I don't kill babies so suddenly, again, i'm somehow 10 million times better than those who do. I'm terrible.
I am a fat, lazy, annoying, full of herself, girl who no one could ever love.
yet Jesus does... everyday he waits for me to come to him with anything at all.. whether its a hello or with everything I'm carrying on my shoulders and everyday I keep him waiting. I keep the Lord of the Universe waiting for me to give him the time of day. I'll spend hours searching facebook and reading emails and away messages hoping someone will show me today that I matter. But I dont matter. The only one that does is the one we ignore... the one I ignore more than anyone.
I can feel myself want more than anything to give my life back over to the Lord.. to let him take control of my fears.. my doubts.. my loves.. and my joys...
but until I can do that I have to start by giving him my time.
officially 6 hours now before I register for my spring semester of my freshman year and I finally realize how low I am.. it took me 18 and a 1/2 years to realize that I am nothing without the Lord and I'm sick of trying to be something... ANYTHING.. without him.