my skin feels too tight

[spaceviolet]

- not enough sleep, ever
- fear of becoming hysterical, fear of having been hysterical, fear of implosion
- isolated myself from friends and family out of fear, shame, sadness, despair
- going to go to yoga this afternoon...at 12?
- going to hand in a paper, whether or not it is worth anything
- going to graduate
- going to class, going to speak if i can and be okay
- eleanor's birthday was last night and we made a psychedelic brick cake and a rat cake
- smoked smoked smoked
- have been smoking a lot, have been breathing smoke
- have been eating poorly and forgetting that my body is sacred
- have felt incoherent, unable to properly communicate, dim and withdrawn
- sun is determined to shine
- blood feels spiky in my veins
- need a lot of water
- the pain in my spine is finally not there anymore
- i am going to the zoo this weekend
- i am going to start making drawings of treehouses that i would like to someday inhabit
- i am getting new ideas for paintings
- i am going to be a good painter again when i have a space that i feel okay in
- not sure that cooper union was a good place for me
- not sure that new york city was a good place for me
- people are still here, people are still amazing and my friends
- needing still water and running water and bird sounds and dirt smells
- wanting more energy to think about things that are fulfilling
- not liking sleeping alone
- relaxed, though.