Relaxation for a shitty day!
Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathere! d! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to ! show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobo! dy offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little while later, he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, 'Is something wrong?'
To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mails in the mailbox!'
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A Singh was enjoying the sun at a nice beach in a neighbouring country. A lady came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, 'No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No, No, Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking, he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
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A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that the new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered....
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc...'
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief.'
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Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.
So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for a blood test'
The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid?' He replied, 'During the blood test, they will cut my finger.'
Hearing this, the second Singh started crying like hell. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'
To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
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Q: Wat is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked 'Why'?
A: The animals told him...........'Your tail is in the front'.
7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful
Self-Organized
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S