The things it takes to be happy.
It's been a long time since I've posted here, and I suppose I should update my feelings. Hello, Internet, you rule at listening. Also, I just read a blog from Casey and got inspired.
It's been a lot of ups and downs for me. High school coming to a close, all this graduation hub-bub, finding work (also see: lack of money), excitement, mixed with fear for the future, realization of many, many things, and growing up in general. Also, spending time with friends, picking classes, and finally finding that damn ipod I lost (which was behind my bed the whole time, apparently).
It takes a sunny day spent at a park with three really great people, some ice cream, and cuddling to really make me realize how good I have it. I've always had a hard time admitting that I have nice things, and a good life. I mean, granted, I've had my shitty moments (and still do...everyone does) but I just never really was able to appreciate how lucky I've been. I have a home. I have a mom who pretty much would go into debt so I can be happy and successful. I have amazing friends who have been there for me entirely. and I have a lot of potential. I really am kicking myself right now. And I know exactly why I never saw what I really have: I'm lazy.
Now, a lot of people are lazy for different reasons, but why am I lazy? I've done a lot of thinking today (it's now 10:30, and I've been thinking for three hours), and I've come to the conclusion that depression ties in with a lot of this.
I've been suffering from "major depression" (according to psychology text books) for about 5 or 6 years (possibly more, but that's how long I've been treated for it). It really does affect me in a huge way. Now, a lot of people think, "Oh, depression, you can get over it.." yadda yadda yadda. It's not that easy. It's a legitimate mental illness (yes, illness, such as schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, etc.) and it needs treatment. Treatment. Therapy, medication, effort. My problem is with that last one.
Effort. Why? Because I'm lazy. Why am I lazy? I have depression. It's an ongoing cycle that I've been living in through most of middle school and all of high school. I'm not the only one (obv.), just one of the few who has (recently) learned how to accept it(kinda), and go about it (or try to) in a reasonable, responsible way.
I've been taking medication to help with this mental illness I apparently have been so lucky to be blessed with and in all honesty, I hate medication. I hate taking pills. Always have. Always will. It makes me feel fake. BUT, if I don't, I fall into a pit (THE DARK CAVE..and not the awesome one) of depression, and I literally want to die. No fun. At all. So I take my regular dose (1(one)100mg pill, welbutrin, every morning) and I go about my day. So maybe you're wondering what it's like when I don't take that simple, daily dose every morning? Imagine the darkest, most upsetting, sad, unfortunate place in the world, times that by about 3, add racing negative thoughts, dark clouds, paranoia, fatigue, lack of all motivation whatsoever and a hint of "I might as well die" and presto, you've got my brain. It's not glorious. Frankly, it fucking sucks. So I try to remember my meds everyday.
Now, remembering, it's another aspect of this lazy, depression mumbo jumbo. I'm not good at remembering things like that. I can remember the tiniest details of a random event when I was 4 years old, birthdays, faces, etc, but the smallest task (such as taking a pill, or remembering to roll up a window before it rains), I can not remember to do for the life of me. This is a problem I've yet to figure out, it might have something to do with the whole "selective remembering" thing because of a subconscious thought or something, I don't know. Anyways, point is, I have a hard time remembering small things. Which leads to, well, forgetting to take that simple, daily dose that keeps me out of THE DARK CAVE. Hence, I get depressed a lot. Even on meds, even with therapy. It still happens. And that whole lovely cycle happens. It's exhausting.
So what do I do? I'm pretty much fucked right? Not necessarily. Things that help make me happy: Well, the things I never really knew how to appreciate (because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself). Well, until now. I'm in a good state of mind right now. I feel like I can do a lot. Push myself to do things, be a little bit more understanding, friendly, happy, but most importantly, have a really good, clear look at what my life really looks like from a positive perspective.
So to all of you who have listened to me complain a lot about the same things over and over, thanks, and sorry if it was every a bit too much. I'm posting this because the people who might be skeptical, or maybe a bit mislead by my actions and expressions. I'm sure there will be more to add at a later date. It's all in the process of figuring out who I am, and who I want to be. (also forgive my jumbly writing.)
It's been a lot of ups and downs for me. High school coming to a close, all this graduation hub-bub, finding work (also see: lack of money), excitement, mixed with fear for the future, realization of many, many things, and growing up in general. Also, spending time with friends, picking classes, and finally finding that damn ipod I lost (which was behind my bed the whole time, apparently).
It takes a sunny day spent at a park with three really great people, some ice cream, and cuddling to really make me realize how good I have it. I've always had a hard time admitting that I have nice things, and a good life. I mean, granted, I've had my shitty moments (and still do...everyone does) but I just never really was able to appreciate how lucky I've been. I have a home. I have a mom who pretty much would go into debt so I can be happy and successful. I have amazing friends who have been there for me entirely. and I have a lot of potential. I really am kicking myself right now. And I know exactly why I never saw what I really have: I'm lazy.
Now, a lot of people are lazy for different reasons, but why am I lazy? I've done a lot of thinking today (it's now 10:30, and I've been thinking for three hours), and I've come to the conclusion that depression ties in with a lot of this.
I've been suffering from "major depression" (according to psychology text books) for about 5 or 6 years (possibly more, but that's how long I've been treated for it). It really does affect me in a huge way. Now, a lot of people think, "Oh, depression, you can get over it.." yadda yadda yadda. It's not that easy. It's a legitimate mental illness (yes, illness, such as schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, etc.) and it needs treatment. Treatment. Therapy, medication, effort. My problem is with that last one.
Effort. Why? Because I'm lazy. Why am I lazy? I have depression. It's an ongoing cycle that I've been living in through most of middle school and all of high school. I'm not the only one (obv.), just one of the few who has (recently) learned how to accept it(kinda), and go about it (or try to) in a reasonable, responsible way.
I've been taking medication to help with this mental illness I apparently have been so lucky to be blessed with and in all honesty, I hate medication. I hate taking pills. Always have. Always will. It makes me feel fake. BUT, if I don't, I fall into a pit (THE DARK CAVE..and not the awesome one) of depression, and I literally want to die. No fun. At all. So I take my regular dose (1(one)100mg pill, welbutrin, every morning) and I go about my day. So maybe you're wondering what it's like when I don't take that simple, daily dose every morning? Imagine the darkest, most upsetting, sad, unfortunate place in the world, times that by about 3, add racing negative thoughts, dark clouds, paranoia, fatigue, lack of all motivation whatsoever and a hint of "I might as well die" and presto, you've got my brain. It's not glorious. Frankly, it fucking sucks. So I try to remember my meds everyday.
Now, remembering, it's another aspect of this lazy, depression mumbo jumbo. I'm not good at remembering things like that. I can remember the tiniest details of a random event when I was 4 years old, birthdays, faces, etc, but the smallest task (such as taking a pill, or remembering to roll up a window before it rains), I can not remember to do for the life of me. This is a problem I've yet to figure out, it might have something to do with the whole "selective remembering" thing because of a subconscious thought or something, I don't know. Anyways, point is, I have a hard time remembering small things. Which leads to, well, forgetting to take that simple, daily dose that keeps me out of THE DARK CAVE. Hence, I get depressed a lot. Even on meds, even with therapy. It still happens. And that whole lovely cycle happens. It's exhausting.
So what do I do? I'm pretty much fucked right? Not necessarily. Things that help make me happy: Well, the things I never really knew how to appreciate (because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself). Well, until now. I'm in a good state of mind right now. I feel like I can do a lot. Push myself to do things, be a little bit more understanding, friendly, happy, but most importantly, have a really good, clear look at what my life really looks like from a positive perspective.
So to all of you who have listened to me complain a lot about the same things over and over, thanks, and sorry if it was every a bit too much. I'm posting this because the people who might be skeptical, or maybe a bit mislead by my actions and expressions. I'm sure there will be more to add at a later date. It's all in the process of figuring out who I am, and who I want to be. (also forgive my jumbly writing.)