(no subject)
I'm usually okay. I mean, she didn't live with me and she was building her own life after devoting more years than she should have to only her kids and grandkids. At work I'm fine. I can chit-chat and smile and laugh because the other option would simply be to crumple up and wither away and let my feelings defeat me and that simply isn't an option.
But when I'm alone, I become acutely aware of just how alone I am. It's the times when I'm alone and I'm thinking of something and go "Gee, I haven't talked to Grandma in awhile, I should call her and chat," or "Oh, Grandma would probably know what to do, I should call her and ask." And then I remember I can't do that anymore and then feel paralyzed by my sadness. It's not that I forget necessarily that she's gone and happy-go-lucky until I'm brought back to reality, but it almost seems like it. That's when I wonder, am I at denial or acceptance?
But when I'm alone, I become acutely aware of just how alone I am. It's the times when I'm alone and I'm thinking of something and go "Gee, I haven't talked to Grandma in awhile, I should call her and chat," or "Oh, Grandma would probably know what to do, I should call her and ask." And then I remember I can't do that anymore and then feel paralyzed by my sadness. It's not that I forget necessarily that she's gone and happy-go-lucky until I'm brought back to reality, but it almost seems like it. That's when I wonder, am I at denial or acceptance?