Shit.
I got this email from my ex, Matt, a little while ago. He was the guy I dated before James, the perpetual pot smoker that I convinced to go back to college and make something of himself. We text every now and then, but I hadn't seen him since he was in town last year, worrying about this mysterious swelling in his knee that no one could figure out.
Earlier he sent me this email:
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Amber,
I know that this seems like typical Matt, but I really went through some shit since I saw you last. we were eating and I could barely keep from crying..I have yet to really get over you, and i'm pretty sure you know that. I don't say this stuff to just cause problems. I have dated 2 people since us, and they both told me that my eyes sparkled if I ever mentioned "my ex"..but no wonder,I dream about you so much...and in those dreams I can almost touch you
I want to tell you something. i haven't been emotionally close to anyone since you, so its my fault for not having someone to share this with. The first woman I dated..it didn't even get physical, but something happened with the second. we were together from late January to May, when I moved to Ardmore. Anyway, on or around my birthday, she got pregnant, despite precautions. She found out in April, so my plans radically changed. I was hell bent on moving to Tulsa, but suddenly there was no more "me". The search for the best, closest job began. I got lucky, and found this job at Mercy. May got here, and I was working before I even graduated. Driving back to Ada everyday was a pain, but I found a place here, and things were looking bright. She and I were not a perfect match, but we were both determined to do right by the baby. It wasn't how I had imagined my life would turn out, but it was a blessing none the less. I cant even explain the emotions churning within me at that point, but they were intense. I was planning days off around her doctor appointments, and I started feeling like this father role may suit me yet!
Near the end of May, I got a call from her, and all could hear was her crying. I knew instantly...miscarriage.
There was supposed to be a little baby born in November........
So I was dealing with that while trying to learn my new job, and I was so alone here. I went to see her and we were both basketcases. The next few weeks were rough...awkward. She stopped talking to me during June, and i started getting a weird vibe
from my guts. After some pleading and crying she told me the truth. It wasn't a miscarriage, it wasn't an accident. I had no way to deal with this. I have no one here. In fact, she's the only person who has hugged me since, and that was months ago now. I have become kinda numb since then. I never thought she would do that, especially try to cover it up.
I tell you all this because I have no one to talk to, my friends and family think it was a miscarriage.
I realize there may be no place for me in your life outside of random texting, but I can't let myself believe that. I know I can't convince you of something you don't want to believe, but Amber I am truly regretful for having hurt you. The time we spent together was fouled because of me. I take full responsibilty for being a jackass, I am to blame. I see now how it was up to me to over react and play the fool. That being said, I have never given up hope that someday I will look into your eyes again and fall all the way to your soul.
My schedule is pretty much stable these days, so maybe we could get together at some point. No strings, no expectations...maybe some sushi or some shopping(i figure you could at least use me to hold stuff)
alright there I did it...been waiting a while to send this email.
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I should have known this was the case when he sent me that Romeo and Juliet song. Because, really, guys only send me that song when they think they are in love with me.But I tried to blow it off.
Part of me briefly thought to myself, "I could let this happen. He loves me, and seems to want what I want. And he's really attractive, and has a good job, and we share similar interests."
But then I remember the screaming matches. The times he would just ... leave, without telling me where he was going or why. And then say I was cheating on him when I went to be with someone else. The time he took me by the shoulders and shoved me into a wall.
He didn't actually hit me, or hurt me, and honestly, I'm not sure he is capable of doing that, but ever since then I have been afraid of that. I can forgive him, but I can't forget enough to make things how they were.
...also, there are some things from his past that would cause me to perhaps alter the things I want out of my life, out of a well-researched fear of history repeating itself.
I am so. fucking. sick. of having to deal with this sort of shit.
Earlier he sent me this email:
--------------------------------------------------------
Amber,
I know that this seems like typical Matt, but I really went through some shit since I saw you last. we were eating and I could barely keep from crying..I have yet to really get over you, and i'm pretty sure you know that. I don't say this stuff to just cause problems. I have dated 2 people since us, and they both told me that my eyes sparkled if I ever mentioned "my ex"..but no wonder,I dream about you so much...and in those dreams I can almost touch you
I want to tell you something. i haven't been emotionally close to anyone since you, so its my fault for not having someone to share this with. The first woman I dated..it didn't even get physical, but something happened with the second. we were together from late January to May, when I moved to Ardmore. Anyway, on or around my birthday, she got pregnant, despite precautions. She found out in April, so my plans radically changed. I was hell bent on moving to Tulsa, but suddenly there was no more "me". The search for the best, closest job began. I got lucky, and found this job at Mercy. May got here, and I was working before I even graduated. Driving back to Ada everyday was a pain, but I found a place here, and things were looking bright. She and I were not a perfect match, but we were both determined to do right by the baby. It wasn't how I had imagined my life would turn out, but it was a blessing none the less. I cant even explain the emotions churning within me at that point, but they were intense. I was planning days off around her doctor appointments, and I started feeling like this father role may suit me yet!
Near the end of May, I got a call from her, and all could hear was her crying. I knew instantly...miscarriage.
There was supposed to be a little baby born in November........
So I was dealing with that while trying to learn my new job, and I was so alone here. I went to see her and we were both basketcases. The next few weeks were rough...awkward. She stopped talking to me during June, and i started getting a weird vibe
from my guts. After some pleading and crying she told me the truth. It wasn't a miscarriage, it wasn't an accident. I had no way to deal with this. I have no one here. In fact, she's the only person who has hugged me since, and that was months ago now. I have become kinda numb since then. I never thought she would do that, especially try to cover it up.
I tell you all this because I have no one to talk to, my friends and family think it was a miscarriage.
I realize there may be no place for me in your life outside of random texting, but I can't let myself believe that. I know I can't convince you of something you don't want to believe, but Amber I am truly regretful for having hurt you. The time we spent together was fouled because of me. I take full responsibilty for being a jackass, I am to blame. I see now how it was up to me to over react and play the fool. That being said, I have never given up hope that someday I will look into your eyes again and fall all the way to your soul.
My schedule is pretty much stable these days, so maybe we could get together at some point. No strings, no expectations...maybe some sushi or some shopping(i figure you could at least use me to hold stuff)
alright there I did it...been waiting a while to send this email.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I should have known this was the case when he sent me that Romeo and Juliet song. Because, really, guys only send me that song when they think they are in love with me.But I tried to blow it off.
Part of me briefly thought to myself, "I could let this happen. He loves me, and seems to want what I want. And he's really attractive, and has a good job, and we share similar interests."
But then I remember the screaming matches. The times he would just ... leave, without telling me where he was going or why. And then say I was cheating on him when I went to be with someone else. The time he took me by the shoulders and shoved me into a wall.
He didn't actually hit me, or hurt me, and honestly, I'm not sure he is capable of doing that, but ever since then I have been afraid of that. I can forgive him, but I can't forget enough to make things how they were.
...also, there are some things from his past that would cause me to perhaps alter the things I want out of my life, out of a well-researched fear of history repeating itself.
I am so. fucking. sick. of having to deal with this sort of shit.