drink up baby doll, are you in or out of love?
it's been a long-ass time since i updated. lots of fun stuff has been happening to me. like feeling guilty. feeling scared. feeling enormously good about myself, feeling nostaglic, and finally feeling semi-content. each shall be broken down, don't worry...
feeling guilty.
in the past week or so i have been on some weird movie binge. i got to see "The Longest Yard" at david's apartment, because he got a downloaded version that was pretty decent. then i went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" in theaters with a bunch of Staples people, and Eddie and Brittany. it was freaking awesome, and i drooled over Brad Pitt in about every scene. (hell, i drooled once or twice for Angelina Jolie too!) then i took T to go see "The Longest Yard" in theaters, and then just yesterday (Tuesday) i went with Travis and Kristin to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" again!! the guilty part is two-fold: spending all that money, and smoking. it hit me when T and i were heading to the movie, and i smoked a cigarrette in front of him. its not like its the first time or anything, but i don't like him seeing me do that to myself. i've decided to begin the process of quitting, because of a comment he has made on several occasions. "i mean, you're my sister.....i just don't like seeing you hurt yourself like that."
feeling scared.
last friday, when i came in to work, i went to take a look at the schedule and see when i work this week. i noticed my name was highlighted, and wondering why, i took a closer look. next to my name it read
"SEE SERVER"
and right there, on the server schedule, "FRI-5-Server Follow". i am becoming a server.
and this scares the piss out of me.
i've been at Joes for a loooooong time. i know the host stand. i know directions, the menu, some sidework, policies on damn near everything, but the thought of following a server and doing it all on my own scares the living hell out of me. everyone has been telling me it'll be ok, kinda confusing at the beginning, but ok. i just know i am so not going to like it in the beginning. once i hit my stride and get it all down, i'll be fine..........till then, i'll have cold hands all the time.
feeling enormously good about myself.
i had to wake up at effing 7 am on Tuesday, because Dad needed to go to his PT --physical therapy-- at 8:30, and mom and T had a dentist appointment. not only did this get me out of the hell of scraping at my teeth, this got me up and semi-awake at a decent hour!! the appointment was cake: Dad went in, and i left to go grab Starbucks and some breakfast from CVS. then i got to go home and lay out in the warm afternoon sun, thus giving me some color!! after this, i had time to watch a movie and run to the gas station before heading to Jenna's to swim with her and Lauren. i even convinced everyone to swim in the lake with me!! it was great (but the squishy mud made me gag), and the rest of the afternoon was spent drowning Lauren, sliding into the pool, and listening to Jenna cluck like a chicken. (don't believe me? i've got the video to PROVE IT!!) after this, Jenna, Brent, Lauren and i ate at El Puerto, and i got to shower and go see the aforementioned movie with Kris and Trav. to make my day complete, i headed up to see David and Carey, where we played his Madden game and watched some of "The Longest Yard". David even bought me food, which was a nice change for my wallet. i ended up nearly passing out from exhaustion on the way home, but it was a really long, really full, really freaking awesome day.
feeling nostalgic.
i have been thinking about poetry a lot lately. about how i have fallen from the circles of people i used to write with, and how i haven't written a decent poem in forever. i started recalling lines of previous poems, and today (after working till 9 and seeing David till about 2am) i began hunting for old journals and poetry books. i wanted to get online so much earlier than this, but i ended up sitting on the floor of my room, re-reading old journal entries (from as far back as third grade!) and thinking to myself what a fucking idiot i was! i coo over people like Brian Littrel (Backstreet Boys) and Scott O'Brien (highschool) in so many of my entries...... but reading some about FC, earth/space class, choir......especially choir....... made me really miss the past. i've always been a history nerd, but its my past i seem to be missing the most. really, i don't know if its because the present is so screwed right now, or if its because my future is looking so much dimmer than it did back then. i really don't know what's going on in my head.............
feeling semi-content.
i've been deciding some things in my head lately, and here is the numero uno concern of mine: relationships. i am single, and sort of happily so, and i plan to remain single until i find another guy that gives me that...........feeling. you know, that feeling where you just know something is going to happen, and you can't wait to talk to them again or see them again because you feel you might fly apart without hearing their voice? i miss feeling like that, and i just..............don't, about anyone right now. which sucks, believe me. i might not find whoever it is i am looking for in the next day, week, or month, and that idea doesn't scare me so much anymore. i guess i should be like Gail-- take them for their money and leave!!!!
and so, i sleep, praying to God i don't have a heart-attack because of Friday.
eeek!
meg
P.S: David and Annette broke up today..................heh.