Who am I?
So the question i've been asking myself is "Who is Leah?"
I've forgotten. I used to know so well. The girl with the dimple and the smile. The girl who wore glitter and brightened a room as she walked in. The clumsy, funny, flirty girl.
When did I stop being fun? When did I stop cause mircales and brighting up peoples day? When Did the love that I have stop showing?
So I ask again, Who am I?
No longer do I have the power to pull my dearest love one out of a bad mood. No longer do I have the power to put a smile on my face and pretend. I feel myself weak, stupid, clumsy and Idiotic.
Emotions take control over me and I just loose it. I loose my smile, I loose my mind. I just feel let down and selfish. Jealous and paranoid. I don't know why.
Me and Michael have had very little time together latley. Were either complety apart, or together with other people. and its ok. I mean, I helped babysit his cousins last night. And it was fun. Im happy there getting to know me, cause im planning on being around for a while, if michael lets me.
But. Tonight we had a chance to be with eachother. and He didn't want to. Well he wanted to. But he was in a bad mood and he didnt want to take it out on me. And truley I do understand that. But I guess I was just used to being able to help him out of those moods, and that, He just always wanted to be next to me all the time. I got comfortable, It got easy. And I just took it for granted. and I got selfish, and greedy. And I hate that.
No longer Am i just happy content leah. Im like, I want more. I just, is it wrong to love some one soo much that there all you want to see. And then for a while its the same how he is feeling, But then suddleny...He know longer wants to be with me anymore. he no longer feels joy in just being together. I know its not like that. I know people need there space. I know he loves me and wants to always be with me. So tamara please dont go telling michael that I dont see the love in his eyes, or that he doesnt love me anymore. Cause i know he does.
I just am explaining how my heart feels. Im just saying how it hurts that Michael isnt next to me now. My own selfishness. Im a romantic, I believe. Atleast I guess thats how I turned.
I know when im upset. Michael is the first person I call, the first person I run to if I can because If he can't fix it, no one can? Perhaps thats my fault. putting so much trust, and belief and hope into one person. When, one person just can't handle all that. I supposse no one really can. I had just hoped over and over again that I could be there always for michael, That i could be all he wanted and all he needed forever. For I know he is that too me.
But im finding out, I can't be. ANd im finding out he can't be that for me either. I miss my friends. I miss all of you. I just...dont know how to be..I dont know how to get this pain feeling out of my heart.
I dont know how to be happy.
I dont know how to pretend anymore.
I dont know how to love.
My love has grown selfish and diesased with paranoia.
... the simplicity of my innocent is melting...
and all i can do is wait for it too stop.
Were growing up and its scary.
Were changing and its wierd.
Were drifting and I hate it.
Were all different, and Its stupid.
When I said I couldnt wait for us to all be 18 and grown up. I meant it in the sense. I cant wait until were all grown up and together.
-sigh-
Why do childhoods have to end?
I've forgotten. I used to know so well. The girl with the dimple and the smile. The girl who wore glitter and brightened a room as she walked in. The clumsy, funny, flirty girl.
When did I stop being fun? When did I stop cause mircales and brighting up peoples day? When Did the love that I have stop showing?
So I ask again, Who am I?
No longer do I have the power to pull my dearest love one out of a bad mood. No longer do I have the power to put a smile on my face and pretend. I feel myself weak, stupid, clumsy and Idiotic.
Emotions take control over me and I just loose it. I loose my smile, I loose my mind. I just feel let down and selfish. Jealous and paranoid. I don't know why.
Me and Michael have had very little time together latley. Were either complety apart, or together with other people. and its ok. I mean, I helped babysit his cousins last night. And it was fun. Im happy there getting to know me, cause im planning on being around for a while, if michael lets me.
But. Tonight we had a chance to be with eachother. and He didn't want to. Well he wanted to. But he was in a bad mood and he didnt want to take it out on me. And truley I do understand that. But I guess I was just used to being able to help him out of those moods, and that, He just always wanted to be next to me all the time. I got comfortable, It got easy. And I just took it for granted. and I got selfish, and greedy. And I hate that.
No longer Am i just happy content leah. Im like, I want more. I just, is it wrong to love some one soo much that there all you want to see. And then for a while its the same how he is feeling, But then suddleny...He know longer wants to be with me anymore. he no longer feels joy in just being together. I know its not like that. I know people need there space. I know he loves me and wants to always be with me. So tamara please dont go telling michael that I dont see the love in his eyes, or that he doesnt love me anymore. Cause i know he does.
I just am explaining how my heart feels. Im just saying how it hurts that Michael isnt next to me now. My own selfishness. Im a romantic, I believe. Atleast I guess thats how I turned.
I know when im upset. Michael is the first person I call, the first person I run to if I can because If he can't fix it, no one can? Perhaps thats my fault. putting so much trust, and belief and hope into one person. When, one person just can't handle all that. I supposse no one really can. I had just hoped over and over again that I could be there always for michael, That i could be all he wanted and all he needed forever. For I know he is that too me.
But im finding out, I can't be. ANd im finding out he can't be that for me either. I miss my friends. I miss all of you. I just...dont know how to be..I dont know how to get this pain feeling out of my heart.
I dont know how to be happy.
I dont know how to pretend anymore.
I dont know how to love.
My love has grown selfish and diesased with paranoia.
... the simplicity of my innocent is melting...
and all i can do is wait for it too stop.
Were growing up and its scary.
Were changing and its wierd.
Were drifting and I hate it.
Were all different, and Its stupid.
When I said I couldnt wait for us to all be 18 and grown up. I meant it in the sense. I cant wait until were all grown up and together.
-sigh-
Why do childhoods have to end?