murr
I realized tonight that the reason I never update is that I care too much about what other people think. Or what they may think, or what I think they might think. I avoid posting because generally speaking I would rather be miserable than burden someone else with any of my bullshit. And I'm getting really sick of it. I'm like a walking hypothesis. I have a head full of old, recycled thoughts, things that I'll come up with and then abandon, until they happen to come back up. Ideas that never grow or flourish because I never fucking do anything with them, or old feelings that I should have gotten over a long fucking time ago. I'm tired of inaction and stagnation; I spent thirty minutes tonight, trying to figure out who I could call to get lemon juice from at five in the morning. I finally settled on someone to call and he was eager to help. All things said and done, though, that's fifty minutes down the shitter.
tl;dr I'm going to post more before I break my own fucking neck out of frustration
This year is coming to a spectacular finish! I felt really off at work tonight. I came in right out of planning my (first) DnD campaign, which was/is coming along nicely. I was really upbeat and in my prime. I thought jokingly to myself that whenever I feel noticeably happy at work, I'm usually a little bit manic and I am definitely going to feel like shit momentarily. LO AND BEHOLD, something changed and I felt shitty the rest of the night. Anything I had looming ahead of me seemed terribly constrictive; closing the store at the end of the night, getting ready for New Year's, even my campaign, all tasks involving multiple steps that were admittedly easy, but I couldn't do them THEN and THERE and get them out of my way, which for some reason made me feel completely burnt out. I started feeling like whatever normally holds me together was starting to give, and I was going to come apart at the seams. Anxiety fed into an upset stomach, which has an almost exponential effect on how shitty I feel, and ugh, I couldn't wait to get home.
So I get home, and the first thing I notice is that 'Wow, it smells like weedsmoke in here.' Which, is a little bit troubling, as I'm the only one in the house who buys weed, and I was almost out. Lo and behold, I check my bathroom and the last of my weed is gone oh boy oh boy! The only person in the house is my sister, who I am allowing to stay with me, so she doesn't have to stay with our parents over winter break. And she has the brass fucking balls to tell me that she didn't smoke anything. I'm positively overwhelmed with disappointment. That she would do that to me, and then think that she could get away with lying about it... it pisses me off, and it hurts. I don't even know how to feel right now.
Then I go to make a cheesecake for the party tomorrow, and found out about halfway through that the lemon juice I recalled having PLENTY of was gone! Because, oh yeah, my roommates can't use normal fucking mixers, they have to go for the LEMON JUICE. Which really isn't fair to them, I'm just pissed off because I was certain we had it and I was at the store after work.
Fuck this night. I've still got another hour before I can sleep, so that I can make sure this cake doesn't burn. I am so tired right now, I've been missing an hour or two of sleep these past few days and it's starting to catch up to me. I have an enormous mess in the kitchen, work at four and then a party at my house after that.
I really hope that this night isn't going to be indicative of the upcoming year.
tl;dr I'm going to post more before I break my own fucking neck out of frustration
This year is coming to a spectacular finish! I felt really off at work tonight. I came in right out of planning my (first) DnD campaign, which was/is coming along nicely. I was really upbeat and in my prime. I thought jokingly to myself that whenever I feel noticeably happy at work, I'm usually a little bit manic and I am definitely going to feel like shit momentarily. LO AND BEHOLD, something changed and I felt shitty the rest of the night. Anything I had looming ahead of me seemed terribly constrictive; closing the store at the end of the night, getting ready for New Year's, even my campaign, all tasks involving multiple steps that were admittedly easy, but I couldn't do them THEN and THERE and get them out of my way, which for some reason made me feel completely burnt out. I started feeling like whatever normally holds me together was starting to give, and I was going to come apart at the seams. Anxiety fed into an upset stomach, which has an almost exponential effect on how shitty I feel, and ugh, I couldn't wait to get home.
So I get home, and the first thing I notice is that 'Wow, it smells like weedsmoke in here.' Which, is a little bit troubling, as I'm the only one in the house who buys weed, and I was almost out. Lo and behold, I check my bathroom and the last of my weed is gone oh boy oh boy! The only person in the house is my sister, who I am allowing to stay with me, so she doesn't have to stay with our parents over winter break. And she has the brass fucking balls to tell me that she didn't smoke anything. I'm positively overwhelmed with disappointment. That she would do that to me, and then think that she could get away with lying about it... it pisses me off, and it hurts. I don't even know how to feel right now.
Then I go to make a cheesecake for the party tomorrow, and found out about halfway through that the lemon juice I recalled having PLENTY of was gone! Because, oh yeah, my roommates can't use normal fucking mixers, they have to go for the LEMON JUICE. Which really isn't fair to them, I'm just pissed off because I was certain we had it and I was at the store after work.
Fuck this night. I've still got another hour before I can sleep, so that I can make sure this cake doesn't burn. I am so tired right now, I've been missing an hour or two of sleep these past few days and it's starting to catch up to me. I have an enormous mess in the kitchen, work at four and then a party at my house after that.
I really hope that this night isn't going to be indicative of the upcoming year.