blah blah blah blah.
woo. quick entry because i'm supposed to be asleep right now. been havin' mucho trouble with depression lately, to the point of idly considering suicide (don't worry, i ain't really the suicidal type--i'd never do it). i've been getting up at six am for the past five days, tomorrow morning i can get up at eight and it feels like a fucking vacation. today i went to the gym and buffed myself out on those nautical weight machines, oh yeah! my reward was a respite from depressive mood. then i watched serenity (crappy sci-fi flick) and that prevented it from infiltrating my mind for the entire rest of the evening. all in all, my day didn't entirely suck even though the first half of it was spent in a funk.
i must say though, before i depart for fucked-up lucid dream time, that this is the most functional depression i've ever been in. at least around strangers i've been able to act normal. and i've laughed and had a good time with some friends. i'm actually farther ahead in my school work than i normally am. and i'm in better physical shape than i have been since my surgery almost a year ago. so what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i feel so hollow? why do i fantasize about self harm? its a mystery. always before depressions have been easily pinned down to certain causes. this one seems to evade explanation. every cause i've pinned it to has fallen in the face of its determination to exist despite alleviation of the suspected circumstance. well, fuck. maybe it will dry up as suddenly and mysteriously as it has descended upon me. maybe it's just a freakin' freak storm.
i must say though, before i depart for fucked-up lucid dream time, that this is the most functional depression i've ever been in. at least around strangers i've been able to act normal. and i've laughed and had a good time with some friends. i'm actually farther ahead in my school work than i normally am. and i'm in better physical shape than i have been since my surgery almost a year ago. so what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i feel so hollow? why do i fantasize about self harm? its a mystery. always before depressions have been easily pinned down to certain causes. this one seems to evade explanation. every cause i've pinned it to has fallen in the face of its determination to exist despite alleviation of the suspected circumstance. well, fuck. maybe it will dry up as suddenly and mysteriously as it has descended upon me. maybe it's just a freakin' freak storm.