May 10, 2005 23:57
The homeless man who lives next to the walkway on my street persists in jumping out from behind the bushes and yelling at me. One of these nights he's going to get too close and I'll rake his face with my keys, which I keep clenched in my fist for such occasions as when I walk home from the T at night. Kenmore/Fenway gets low marks in my book.
Sooooooo all these good things keep happening to me lately. Not in a "I'm lucky" way; I try for things and get them. Whatever, I'm kind of on a roll and it's pretty unprecendented and I don't know how to deal with it. Because I'm still fucking rainyfaced all the time. A lot of the time anyway. It's not enough I guess? I mean, I'm not trying to be all dramatic like "GOD IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!!" but honestly, it's sort of how I feel. Like, my job, for instance. It's easy, decent hours, a desirable retail job in a desirable area of town. The pay isn't great but whatever I get to talk about books a lot. And yet all I can think is "yeah this is pretty sweet, but at the HARVARD BOOKSTORE you DON'T have to wear a uniform and you get to write recomendations of books and you DON'T have to deal with people buying food! I should work there." And you know if I got the job at Harvard I'd just find someplace else I'd want to work. I take this approach to everything and it's fucking FATAL thinking, because then I'll NEVER EVER EVER be satisfied with anything if I keep trying to move higher on the proverbial food-chain of life. Keep in mind that the retail example isn't even that important to me. It's just...everything. fher;gh;wergoh
I wish my future-self could come visit me and be like "look, don't sweat it, things turn out alright for you, ok?" Granted if that happened I'd second-guess every single decision I made in my life from then onward, but I wouldn't be so fucking sad all the time.
Long story short...I dunno. Rain Rain Go Away. Ignore this.