Not dead yet.
I've had mostly the same issues for years but it's strange how some days those problems seem monumental and insurmountable and other days they are trivial and achievable. Today was one of the former.
I wish I had more to say here but the repetitiveness is getting pretty old. I could almost cut and paste old entries because I still feel the same old shit. But I don't know if anyone else reads this anymore and besides I think the main value of this journal is the catharsis I get from expressing my feelings.
I've decided that I'm not going to be a 30-year old virgin. If that day rolls around I'll just take a little drive and take advantage of Nevada's non-Puritanical laws. It's not something I want to do but neither is being a 30-year old virgin. Setting the deadline I hope motivates me into a more natural sexy time. Hopefully the next year and a half are more productive in that regard but signs aren't exactly pointing up.
I joined Match.com last December but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. At first I picked out a lady who seemed interesting enough and started to write her an email. I stared at a blinking cursor for fifteen minutes with anxiety freezing my mind before giving up. Later on I found the wink button, which makes it easy to see if she has any interest and it's worth my time to work up a few words.
Mostly the ladies I contacted seemed nice but there was one who I really liked. She winked at me first. I wrote her an email, she replied, and I sent her one suggesting we should meet up. I was so nervous waiting for her reply I felt like I was gonna throw up for two days straight. Never got a reply back, maybe I should have done a few more emails before trying to jump past the digital world.
I'm still subscribed but haven't worked that much lately. Buying a house and moving in was a valid distraction for a couple weeks but now it's just the horrible momentum of my procrastination.
I saw Inception a few weeks ago. It was incredible, the best movie-going experience of my life. I enjoyed the emotional dynamic of DiCaprio's character and bought into the dream. But even if you don't you have to appreciate how well made the film was. One fight scene actually made me stop and think "Damn, that's cool." I didn't think any action sequence could do that to me anymore.
I picked up a new crush at work. Rachel plays 2-5NL there A LOT. I felt like I picked up a few hints that she might be interested in me back in June. Thinking about it at home I decided to pursue a relationship with her. A few days passed before the opportunity presented itself and I was genuinely excited at the possibilities. I saw on her Facebook that she was a Chuck Palahniuk fan and my heart went into palpitations. Literally, it was uncomfortable but I knew I had to give her a shot.
A few days later she's playing when I get off work and there's an open seat next to her. I sit down and try a few times to start up conversations with her and keep getting 2-word answers. I figure I've made my intentions known and Rachel decided not to return my interest in her. That's fair, it sucks but it's fair. What really tilts me is the realization that soul-crushing depression is so much more bearable than hopeful anxiety... Almost feels like home.
I play for a little over an hour for appearances and when I know I'm leaving soon I get the chance to make a hero call. If I fold I'll leave down $25. If I call and lose that's a $100 loss but if my hand is good I'll be up $300. There's only like a 12% chance I can win but I call with the wrong odds. I lose but I realize that when taking into account the Felicific Calculus the $300 win would help my emotional state a good bit but a $100 loss would have no effect. So I made the right call for my life even though it was the wrong call for my wallet. Too bad it didn't work out.
I still have a little crush on her although I don't think she's interested. I was teasing her about something while dealing and she flipped me off. Progress!!!
Maybe not.
The new Arcade Fire album, "The Suburbs," is very good. I was trying to write some sort of review for it but realized I have no skill at criticism. Either you like it or you don't, it's just an opinion and I while I have strong opinions I'm no good at expounding the reasons for them. The only good line I had was that when you listen intently the conclusion feels like waking up from a dream.
A few days ago I had a dream about Sabrinia. We were in a coffee shop in DC before (or after?) a concert sitting in a booth. There was something I wanted to talk to her about but three of her friends interrupted us before I could get it out.
When I woke up I was pissed. I thought I was essentially over Sabs and didn't want to go through that shit again. So of course I fired up the computer and pulled up her MySpace page to see what she was up to. A funny way to try to not think about her, I know. And strangely enough I see pictures of her, with those same three friends from the dream. What the fuck? I'd never seen those people before in my life how did they get in my dream and her MySpace page? Is there some bizarre telepathic connection between us???
No, I was only dreaming again. But now when I wake up I have to check her MySpace to make sure those three friends of hers aren't on it and I know what's real and what's not. I'm safe, the top falls. I'm not living in a dream.
I wish I had more to say here but the repetitiveness is getting pretty old. I could almost cut and paste old entries because I still feel the same old shit. But I don't know if anyone else reads this anymore and besides I think the main value of this journal is the catharsis I get from expressing my feelings.
I've decided that I'm not going to be a 30-year old virgin. If that day rolls around I'll just take a little drive and take advantage of Nevada's non-Puritanical laws. It's not something I want to do but neither is being a 30-year old virgin. Setting the deadline I hope motivates me into a more natural sexy time. Hopefully the next year and a half are more productive in that regard but signs aren't exactly pointing up.
I joined Match.com last December but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. At first I picked out a lady who seemed interesting enough and started to write her an email. I stared at a blinking cursor for fifteen minutes with anxiety freezing my mind before giving up. Later on I found the wink button, which makes it easy to see if she has any interest and it's worth my time to work up a few words.
Mostly the ladies I contacted seemed nice but there was one who I really liked. She winked at me first. I wrote her an email, she replied, and I sent her one suggesting we should meet up. I was so nervous waiting for her reply I felt like I was gonna throw up for two days straight. Never got a reply back, maybe I should have done a few more emails before trying to jump past the digital world.
I'm still subscribed but haven't worked that much lately. Buying a house and moving in was a valid distraction for a couple weeks but now it's just the horrible momentum of my procrastination.
I saw Inception a few weeks ago. It was incredible, the best movie-going experience of my life. I enjoyed the emotional dynamic of DiCaprio's character and bought into the dream. But even if you don't you have to appreciate how well made the film was. One fight scene actually made me stop and think "Damn, that's cool." I didn't think any action sequence could do that to me anymore.
I picked up a new crush at work. Rachel plays 2-5NL there A LOT. I felt like I picked up a few hints that she might be interested in me back in June. Thinking about it at home I decided to pursue a relationship with her. A few days passed before the opportunity presented itself and I was genuinely excited at the possibilities. I saw on her Facebook that she was a Chuck Palahniuk fan and my heart went into palpitations. Literally, it was uncomfortable but I knew I had to give her a shot.
A few days later she's playing when I get off work and there's an open seat next to her. I sit down and try a few times to start up conversations with her and keep getting 2-word answers. I figure I've made my intentions known and Rachel decided not to return my interest in her. That's fair, it sucks but it's fair. What really tilts me is the realization that soul-crushing depression is so much more bearable than hopeful anxiety... Almost feels like home.
I play for a little over an hour for appearances and when I know I'm leaving soon I get the chance to make a hero call. If I fold I'll leave down $25. If I call and lose that's a $100 loss but if my hand is good I'll be up $300. There's only like a 12% chance I can win but I call with the wrong odds. I lose but I realize that when taking into account the Felicific Calculus the $300 win would help my emotional state a good bit but a $100 loss would have no effect. So I made the right call for my life even though it was the wrong call for my wallet. Too bad it didn't work out.
I still have a little crush on her although I don't think she's interested. I was teasing her about something while dealing and she flipped me off. Progress!!!
Maybe not.
The new Arcade Fire album, "The Suburbs," is very good. I was trying to write some sort of review for it but realized I have no skill at criticism. Either you like it or you don't, it's just an opinion and I while I have strong opinions I'm no good at expounding the reasons for them. The only good line I had was that when you listen intently the conclusion feels like waking up from a dream.
A few days ago I had a dream about Sabrinia. We were in a coffee shop in DC before (or after?) a concert sitting in a booth. There was something I wanted to talk to her about but three of her friends interrupted us before I could get it out.
When I woke up I was pissed. I thought I was essentially over Sabs and didn't want to go through that shit again. So of course I fired up the computer and pulled up her MySpace page to see what she was up to. A funny way to try to not think about her, I know. And strangely enough I see pictures of her, with those same three friends from the dream. What the fuck? I'd never seen those people before in my life how did they get in my dream and her MySpace page? Is there some bizarre telepathic connection between us???
No, I was only dreaming again. But now when I wake up I have to check her MySpace to make sure those three friends of hers aren't on it and I know what's real and what's not. I'm safe, the top falls. I'm not living in a dream.