Go to bed lonely, wake up horny.
That's been the mantra of my last few nights. Not that it's been entirely foreign to me in the past but...
I go to bed and wrestle with my fears and insecurities. Never find a way to fight off the feeling that I'm stuck with this empty, solitary existence. I do manage to fall asleep at some point only to be awakened well ahead of my alarm to wrestle another of my personal demons - a rubbery snake in my shorts. At least this one I can cut down to size after a few minutes.
After that I seem to find decent enough spirits to get going. Until I find something at work to set me on edge (not hard.) Find something, anything that I could use as an excuse to scream about and then ride off on my high horse about. So I could leave behind the thing I've worked the hardest at in my life. I think about it but do nothing ultimately.
I think I'm so frustrated with myself that any change seems tempting. The more self-destructive the easier. I had one beer the other night with dinner. Just to help 'let go' a little. It did so I had another. Then another. Whoa, I'm pretty buzzed - what happened to just one beer. I took a piss - ah, that's what happened to it. So I had another...
Then I cut myself off…
From further alcohol. I did NOT cut off my genitalia with a butcher knife. Let us be clear about that.
However I do feel this pull towards other self-destructive behaviors. Drinking, Over-Eating, Gambling, Quitting. I take a few steps down those paths but always push myself away.
So far
I go to bed and wrestle with my fears and insecurities. Never find a way to fight off the feeling that I'm stuck with this empty, solitary existence. I do manage to fall asleep at some point only to be awakened well ahead of my alarm to wrestle another of my personal demons - a rubbery snake in my shorts. At least this one I can cut down to size after a few minutes.
After that I seem to find decent enough spirits to get going. Until I find something at work to set me on edge (not hard.) Find something, anything that I could use as an excuse to scream about and then ride off on my high horse about. So I could leave behind the thing I've worked the hardest at in my life. I think about it but do nothing ultimately.
I think I'm so frustrated with myself that any change seems tempting. The more self-destructive the easier. I had one beer the other night with dinner. Just to help 'let go' a little. It did so I had another. Then another. Whoa, I'm pretty buzzed - what happened to just one beer. I took a piss - ah, that's what happened to it. So I had another...
Then I cut myself off…
From further alcohol. I did NOT cut off my genitalia with a butcher knife. Let us be clear about that.
However I do feel this pull towards other self-destructive behaviors. Drinking, Over-Eating, Gambling, Quitting. I take a few steps down those paths but always push myself away.
So far