Day of Sadness
Hi Ruthie,
Dad has been placed in the Bronson Lakeview Hospital, Geriatric Psych Ward in Paw Paw, MI for eval this evening. This morning he was uncooperative; just as he was last night when he urinated on the livingroom floor.
This morning was the last nanobyte. I told him "That's it, I've had it!" I blocked the hallway and left him in the bathroom. I didn't want to look at him. I called, crying, to the day care about 8:30am and told them that he was not coming and hung up. Called everyone else that had anything to do with his daily jaunt and told them the same thing and hung up. I didn't want to talk about it. The day care called me back and asked after his health and my reply was, "He's still alive, I haven't killed him yet". That sent up red flags everywhere and by this time, tonight he is finding his room in the psych ward. I cried as the APS worker drove me away. I wanted to keep him until he passed away.
I called Dianne, still crying, and she said I should have let the bus come and take him to day care. I told her I couldn't get him dress because in order to get him dress I would have to look at him and I didn't want to look at him. Ruthie, if I had gone back in that bathroom and looked at that man, I would have punched his lights out. That would have been bad and I would be finding my cell bunk right about now.
As I cried and prayed this morning, while all of this was going on, I said "Jesus, help me!" and He took care of it all before sundown. The last thing my dad said to me while we were waiting on his transport to Paw Paw was, "Ya happy now?" Not once while others were around did he say anything bad to me. That last little remark was made as we stood in the hallway alone. As soon as the others returned, he was his old jolly self again.
Even though I feel like a failure, everyone involved have been telling me that I have done an excellent job with him. They say 14 years is a LONG time to deal with an Alzheimer's patient. I know it hasn't been all bad.
There were those magic moments that I will treasure and those crazy moments that will make me laugh when I think of them. Like him wearing his 'pair of shirt'. He was my Mr. Frodo and I tried to be his Sam-wise, I never really succeeded. I miss him right now. I don't have anyone to holler at *sob-sniff*. Maybe I should get a cat. My place isn't big enough for a miniature donkey (LOL).
Tonight is the first night that all the lights are off in the apartment. I'm all alone here.
There is to be an official hearing on the 23rd of this month. All my siblings need to be contacted to express their need/desire to be his guardian, like they are going to step up to the plate now. I called my brother too this morning. I wanted to smash his face in with the phone by the time I was through talking to him. When did I become a homicidal maniac? Do you know?
Last thing--After the 23rd the results of the eval will determine where dad is to go. I think because of his vet status they want to put him in the Veterans Home for the Aged. I hope they do. He should get that benefit, at least, from being in WWII.
Okay, that's it. I don't want to go to bed. Partly because I dreamed about mom and Sis Simpson last night. Both dead. Maybe it has nothing to do with my feelings or maybe its just part of the depression that's trying to wrap its bony arms around me. OR maybe its the Dr. Pepper and the root beer I just drank. I don't know...talk at you soon.