Crush'd (2/4)

[soypants]

Title: Crush’d (Part 2/4)
Pairing: Onew/Taemin
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence/ Assault/ non-con/ domestic violence/abuse
Final Word Count: 28136



It was another typical day in the courtyard before classes; students were loitering about, throwing frisbees and eating lunch, some were even napping, slumped against the few trees spread out over the area. Jinki was watching Taemin from his usual spot by the history building. Today, Taemin was sitting under a large tree, laughing along with the boy that seemed to be joined with Taemin at the hip. From the timber of his voice, Jinki realized that this was Taemin’s roommate, Kai. Jinki marveled at the gentle curve of Taemin’s neck, spine bumping along his back gracefully. Taemin had a mole on the back of his neck that Jinki only noticed when Taemin’s small hand reached up to rub at it nervously in response to something that was said.

Jinki noticed that Taemin was wearing a ring on his index finger. For a moment, he was filled with some unidentifiable emotion at the sight of it that made his fist clench at his side and his jaw lock in place. He felt his face go blank. He wondered if it was a couple’s ring. He assumed that Taemin was seeing someone and his chest quivered with shuddering breaths and irrational betrayal. The light played on the delicate silver of the band and Taemin twisted it around his finger without much thought, as though he were mocking Jinki with its presence.

Suddenly, without warning, Taemin rushed to his feet, a mess of legs and hair. He bowed quickly and rushed off while his friend laughed at him. He must have forgotten that he had to be somewhere. Before long, Kai stood, as well, and began making his way to the art building. Jinki watched him go bitterly, jealousy guiding his feet towards the tree that the pair had vacated.

Jinki wasn’t sure what he expected to find there, but it wasn’t Taemin’s ring, glittering in the light but nearly hidden by the grass around it. Jinki lifted it into his palm like a drowning man at sea, breathing getting increasingly difficult around the erratic beating of his heart. He turned it over with his pinky finger to get a better look at it, making sure to be extra careful not to leave any marks on it’s clean surface. The ring must have meant a lot to Taemin for it to be as clean as it was.

Bringing it closer to his face to observe it more closely, Jinki began to notice tiny little bumps along its surface and along the inside was a proud engraving reading “LT” alongside the image of a cross. Ah. So this was a rosary ring. Jinki’s expression, which had maintained its severe blankness up to that point, melted into something soft and gentle, a smile tugging the corners of his mouth just a tad bit too high, eyes crinkling into crescents. Of course it was a rosary ring. Taemin was a religious studies major, after all, it made sense for him to be religious, himself.

He didn’t acknowledge the relief that flooded his veins.

He quickly pocketed the ring with the intention of returning it to Taemin at some point and began to make his way to class, smile still in place.

Jinki kept the ring for longer than he knew he should have. However, he couldn’t quite bring himself to return it, relishing in the joy that having something that obviously meant so much to Taemin brought him. It was only when he noticed the sad downturn of Taemin’s lips and the grief swimming in his eyes that Jinki finally admitted that it would be best if he found a way to return the ring without Taemin knowing that Jinki had been the one who had pocketed it.

~~~

After some careful deliberation, Jinki found himself standing outside of the room that he knew belonged to Taemin, observing the plain wooden door that was decorated with the typical name cards that he was sure Taemin’s RA had made for all of the students on their hall. For weeks now, Jinki had looked towards that building where he knew Taemin would be and imagined what Taemin could have been doing in there. Maybe he would be reading a book or doing homework or playing a video game. He hadn’t meant for them to meet this way, but with Taemin’s ring warming his palm, he didn’t think he had much of a choice. He gently fingered the letters that formed Taemin’s name, drawing courage from somewhere deep within himself before raising a weak fist to the wood and knocking lightly on it.

It was silent for some time before Jinki knocked once more. Again, it was silent.

He couldn’t stop himself from trying the doorknob, clenching his fist around the ring that was still held tightly in his other hand. Jinki shouldn’t have felt a sudden rush of joy when the doorknob gave under his hand, the door lightly pushing in to allow him to see the inside. He swallowed the spit that seemed to gather under his tongue and took a hesitant step forward, breath quivering and fingers shaking. If anyone stopped to ask what he was doing, he would just explain that he was returning the ring that Taemin had dropped and be on his way. He would only stay for a moment to drop off the ring and leave.

A moment or two quickly turned into several minutes when his eyes began to pick apart the side of the room that the Michael Jackson posters told Jinki was Taemin’s. He took notice of the messy desk, covered in random sheets of notebook paper and empty candy wrappers. The bookshelf that was barely used, few books taking up space while the rest was occupied by a set of speakers that seemed to be broken as well as a few medals that upon closer inspection, were awards for swimming. The jacket slung across the back of the chair in front of the desk had the name of their university’s swim team embroidered across the back. Taemin’s bed was neat for the most part, navy comforter tucked in with only one black pillow. His side of the room was covered in posters, the most noticeable one being the large Michael Jackson poster placed next to where Taemin’s head would have rested at night. There was an electric piano shoved up against the wall and his dresser was covered in CDs.

After taking all of this in, Jinki’s eyes zeroed in on the lounge clothes strewn across the bed. Obviously, Taemin slept in them based on their position on his bed. Jinki’s fingers twitched at his side and he barely managed to stop himself from going nearer. Instead, he looked around the room for a safe place to put the ring so that Taemin would find it. He noticed that he had some jewelry already on top of the dresser next to a few of the CDs and deemed that it would be safe enough there. He carefully set it next to a pair of earrings and started to make his way back to the door.

However, with his hand resting lightly on the doorknob, he couldn’t quite bring himself to leave quite yet. His eyes traveled over to the clothes on the bed again. He determined that it couldn’t hurt much to have a quick look since he was already there. He would just quickly look them over and leave.

Mind made up, he walked back to the bed and with shaking fingers, gently caressed the t-shirt. It was soft and the collar was decorated with holes. Jinki was glad that Taemin’s clothes were soft. That they wouldn’t irritate his skin. Without much thought, Jinki’s gentle touch turned into a closed fist with the fabric trapped inside. Before he knew it, he was lifting the fabric to his face, burying his nose in the armpit where he knew Taemin’s scent would be the strongest. He inhaled deeply. He breathed like he was sucking the life out of it through his nose. It smelled like cinnamon and musk with just a hint of tobacco. Jinki liked it.

When he fully realized what it was, exactly, that he was doing, he dropped the shirt like it had suddenly caught fire and rushed to the door, swinging it open and making sure no one was in the hall before closing the door behind him and taking flight, rushing from the building without looking back.

He swore to himself that he would never do that again.

~~~

Over time, Jinki learned little things about Taemin. He learned that Taemin’s favorite color was yellow because Jinki overheard his friend teasing him about it when he followed too closely behind the pair on their way to the library. He learned that Taemin loved cold weather because he complained about the heat often when he was taking a noon break in the courtyard. He learned that Taemin didn’t get along with his mother because Jinki listened to those uncomfortable conversations and observed the anger on Taemin’s face when he eventually hung up. All of that information and more was carefully accumulated over a careful habit of tracking the blonde boy.

He followed Taemin around campus, always a few paces behind, always listening. After some time of not being discovered, he grew more ambitious with his movements, reveling in the faux closeness that he felt he had to the blonde. He visited Taemin’s room often, just to breathe in his scent. Being around Taemin made Jinki’s head feel clear from the normal static that filled it. Like he hadn’t really ever been able to breathe easily until he had encountered him. It was addicting. He found himself wanting more. He wanted Taemin to feel the same way about him. He wanted to possess Taemin. To be closer to him than anyone ever had before. He wanted Taemin to be only his.

After weeks of tiptoeing on the thin line of just how far he was willing to take his relationship with the other boy, he decided: he would have him.

~~~

When Kibum burst into his room late one afternoon, Jinki carefully did not bring up that he had been late to their shared history lecture because he had visited Taemin’s room, instead. Luckily, Kibum was too preoccupied with outlining the struggles of being a psychology major to bother much with Jinki’s problems. After deciding that Kibum wasn’t going to bring his tardiness up, at all, Jinki went back to labeling some new stamps that he had picked up for his collection, sliding them into the protective plastic and then into their designated spot in the giant binder housing the rest of them.

They passed quite some time like that, Kibum complaining about whatever it was he was complaining about and Jinki happily categorizing his stamps, until a knock on Jinki’s door startled them both into action. Jinki’s head snapped up towards the door, and Kibum, without missing a beat, goes to open the door mid-complaint.

“I mean, come on! It’s not my fault that my professor is boring as all hell! For someone who gets paid as much as they do to talk about nothing, you would think that she would show a little more enthusiasm. Oh hey, Minho. I mean what does that class even have to do with psychology?”

Jinki wondered at Kibum’s lung capacity as he seemed to just keep talking without a single break to breathe. After he worked through his shock, he realized that Choi Minho was awkwardly standing in the doorway of Jinki’s room, big eyes swallowing up his face as he stared at Kibum.

Jinki pulled his lips into a reassuring smile and gestured to his roommate, Kim Suho’s, desk chair. “Hey, Minho! Care to take a seat?”

Minho smiled in appreciation. “No need, hyung. I just came by to borrow Suho-hyung’s extra shin guards for practice.” With that said, Minho moved to Suho’s side to start rummaging through his gym bag.

Jinki wasn’t surprised to see him there. Suho and Minho were both on the soccer team so it wasn’t uncommon for them to be together or for Minho to even come by on his own to borrow something. Jinki and Minho weren’t exactly friends, but Minho had this way of drawing people towards him, in the same way that Kibum did, that Jinki couldn’t help but want to be friendly. Besides, Minho was a genuinely nice person and was known all over campus as a generally great guy.

Kibum’s phone suddenly started blaring some loud pop song and he quickly excused himself to meet up with a friend of his to study for a test they had tomorrow. Jinki smiled towards Minho as the door shut behind Kibum, the sound of him shouting into his phone about how unfair his professor was for scheduling a test on a Monday could be heard down the hall.

“So, Minho, how is soccer going?” Jinki asked offhandedly, going back to his stamp collection.

Minho looked up from where he was still digging around for Suho’s shin guards. “It’s going great, hyung! We’ve got some great freshmen on the team and I really think we’re going to get somewhere this year!”

Jinki smiled at Minho over his shoulder. “That’s great, Minho! I’m really happy for you!”

Minho chuckled. “Yeah, I just hate that we have to share the gym with the other sports teams. The swim team and the soccer team have a lot of workouts in common so the place is packed all the time…”

Jinki’s head shot up at that, mind immediately latching onto the chance to get some information on Taemin. “The swim team? You don’t happen to know someone named Lee Taemin, do you?”

Minho nodded absentmindedly, not really paying attention. “Yeah, sure, I know him. We workout together sometimes. He seems pretty nice, but he’s got a mouth on him. That kid sure knows how to curse.”

Jinki ignored Minho’s second comment, a plan already beginning to formulate in his mind.

~~~

Jinki learned from Minho that Taemin liked to workout late at night at the on-campus fitness center. Jinki had made sure to phrase his inquiry so as not to arouse suspicion. Jinki knew he wasn’t the only one who asked how the sports players worked out and what their schedules were. Minho, nice as he was, not only provided Taemin’s workout schedule, but also gave Jinki his keycode to get into the gym after hours which was usually reserved for members of athletic teams or clubs.

“I’m glad that you’re so interested in getting into shape! If you don’t mind me asking, why are you so focused on Taeminnie’s workout? Your body types are completely different!” Minho asked, chuckling.

Jinki fought the way that his fists wanted to clench around Minho’s familiarity with Taemin. Instead, he stretched his mouth into a wide smile, showing all of his teeth. “I’m just so jealous of his body. I want to be tone like him!”

Minho nodded in understanding. “Ah, I get you. That’s what’s in now, right? Well, good luck! If you need any advice about muscle building just ask! I’ll be glad to help out!”

Jinki intentionally lifted his hand to the back of his head and melted his expression into something that looked embarrassed. “If you wouldn’t mind, Minho, could you keep this from Jonghyun and Kibum? If this doesn’t work out, I would like to avoid embarrassment.”

Minho smiled. “Of course, hyung. Mums the word!” He made a fake locking motion over his lips and then bid goodbye to Jinki, rushing off to practice.

~~~~~~

That night, Jinki packed a gym bag and dressed in comfortable clothes even though he had no intention of actually working out. He needed to at least keep up the act if he wasn’t going to get stopped. Once he approached the entrance to the gym, he punched in Minho’s code and held his breath until the light on the door lit up green.

The inside of the building was surprisingly cold and Jinki shivered in his light tank top. The lights were dimmed and a narrow hallway that was slightly more lit tempted Jinki towards it. Walking down the hall, Jinki could look into several different rooms: an indoor track, a weight lifting room, a room that seemed to be filled with treadmills, and finally, an aerobics room. Along the way, he had seen a student or two, hoping to get in a night time workout to avoid getting yelled at by a coach or fitness instructor the next day. There was no sign of Taemin, however. Jinki felt the slow burn of agony and anger in his belly. Minho told him that Taemin would be there. His nails hurt when they bit into his palm.

Finally, after reaching the end of the hall and deciding that maybe he should just head back, Jinki found himself standing before a large window peeking into a second aerobics room. He stopped breathing. The floors were shiny and well kept, and the walls were lined with mirrors so that whoever was inside would be able to see themselves from all angles. Thankfully, the room was bright enough and the hall dim enough that there was no way that Taemin would be able to see him standing there. Watching him.

Jinki was surprised to see Taemin there. As a member of the swim team, Taemin should be in the weight room or even running on a treadmill. Instead, he was swinging his body along to whatever music was playing on an ipod that he had set up in front of him. Jinki appreciated his tight workout shorts and loose white t-shirt which was made nearly see-through from sweat.

Taemin’s hair clung to his face in a way that Jinki had never seen before and his arms and legs flowed along, popping and locking along to the music. Jinki hadn’t let himself relax fully, still too nervous about being caught by someone exiting the other rooms. Just when he was starting to feel his shoulders slump slightly in ease, Taemin’s eyes appeared to flicker up and met his in the reflection of the mirror even though the darkness of the hallway should have prevented that. Jinki didn’t dare to look away, nervous sweat beading on his forehead. He rushed to come up with some sort of explanation for why he was there when he very obviously shouldn’t even have access to the gym after hours, arms lifting to flap nervously in front of him.

Suddenly, though, Taemin dropped to his knees, maintaining eye contact in the mirror, and began thrusting at the floor, knees reddened by the slide of the polished wood against the skin. His teeth were sucking on the fat lower lip that would have looked so much better wrapped around Jinki. His eyes were begging for Jinki to rush in there right then and just--

Jinki blinked and Taemin was standing again, as though he hadn’t just been undressing Jinki with his eyes. Before Jinki could unpack what had just happened, Taemin was walking towards the mirror and leaned down to pick up his ipod, shutting the music off and wiping his face down with a towel that he had on standby. Jinki quickly vacated the premises, not wanting Taemin to discover him for real.

When he returned to his dorm, he jumped in the shower. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Taemin and the redness of his mouth. Jinki growled as he fisted his dick angrily, mind drifting to the blonde boy’s knees scraping against the floor and the ocean of Taemin’s eyes.

He came with a shout and promised that he would put an end to his obsession.

~~~

Three days went by in which Jinki had returned to watching Taemin from a distance. He was on his best behavior, forgoing even his ritual of visiting Taemin’s room between classes. On the fourth day, however, Taemin’s eyes were rimmed with day old eyeliner and his jeans were ripped and hugging his legs sinfully and Jinki couldn’t keep himself away anymore.

That night, after classes were over, Jinki glanced over the workout schedule that Minho had given him and rejoiced when he saw that Taemin would be working on cardio from nine until ten thirty that night. Looking at the alarm clock on his desk, he noticed that if he left soon, he would be able to catch the tail end of Taemin’s workout. His fingers carded nervously through his hair as he came to a decision. He packed a gym bag before he lost his nerve.

The fitness center was colder that night than it had been before and Jinki shivered in his loose tank top. He didn’t waste time glancing into the weight room or the aerobics rooms, feet carrying him to the place that held the treadmills, thoughts ricocheting off of the walls of his mind . It wasn’t difficult spotting Taemin as he was the room’s only occupant, feet slapping with every step and arms pumping under the oversized hoodie he wore. Jinki spent a moment or two admiring the curve of his bare calves as the muscles beneath the skin tensed and relaxed. Jinki’s gaze traveled up the expanse of Taemin’s legs, drinking in the light dusting of black hair that peppered his shins and the sheen of sweat that made his tan skin glisten. Jinki wanted to bury his nose in Taemin’s thighs. He wanted to know if Taemin’s thighs would smell like the same cinnamon and tobacco that Jinki had smelled on his shirt or if the musk of sweat would cling to them.

Eventually, Jinki’s eyes made their way to Taemin’s face and he growled when he noticed that Taemin had his hood drawn tightly around it, obstructing Jinki’s view. Anger bubbled in Jinki’s throat and his teeth bit into the skin of his cheek. His fingers twitched towards the door knob and before he could stop himself, he was entering the room, tugging his baseball cap down on his head enough that Taemin would be unable to see his face. He picked a treadmill behind Taemin’s and slightly to the right so that he would be able to see Taemin’s face clearly in the mirrors that occupied the wall in front of them. Luckily, Taemin was absorbed in whatever music was blaring through his headphones and had his eyes on the video playing on his phone, and he wouldn’t notice Jinki staring at him unless he looked up.

Jinki’s breathing was shaky as he set his treadmill on a brisk walk. He wasn’t particularly good at running considering he had two left feet and he didn’t want to focus so much on trying to keep his feet on the track that he would miss any of Taemin’s movements. He peered out from under the brim of his hat and rejoiced at the unobstructed view that he had of Taemin’s face. His cheeks were flushed red from the workout, sweat beading at his forehead and Jinki found himself wanting to taste it.

Unfortunately, Taemin ended his workout after he finished the video he had been watching, tugging his hood down further and jumping off of the treadmill much too soon for Jinki’s tastes. He patted at the sweat on his face with a towel that he had brought with him and without a second glance, made his way to the showers, whistling quietly as he went.

Jinki swallowed hard around the lump in his throat and hesitantly drew his machine to a stop. His fingers curled into tight fists and his eye twitched as he debated whether or not to follow Taemin. It was a rare opportunity that Jinki doubted he would get again but there was a high risk of being discovered and without any real reason why he would be in the fitness center that late at night, Jinki had little means of explaining himself should Taemin notice him there.

Jinki stepped down from his treadmill and shuffled over to the machine that Taemin had been using, letting his fingers glide along the smooth metal of the safety bars that still held some warmth from where Taemin had been absentmindedly gripping them during his cool down. He heard the showers cut on over the quiet music that he had only just noticed was playing in the room. His head shot up, eyes zeroing in on the doors that Jinki knew Taemin’s naked body was just behind.

Jinki couldn’t stop himself from pushing through that door and heading towards a stall next to Taemin’s. He praised his luck that the room only contained three stalls so it wasn’t strange that he would choose one next to Taemin. After undressing and storing his bag in a locker, Jinki slinked into the stall next to Taemin’s and locked the door behind himself, twisting the knob on the wall so that the water that spilled out wouldn’t be too hot or cold.

With that done, Jinki ducked his head and pressed it up to the thin wall separating the two of them, breath puffing out roughly. It hurt his neck to do so, but if he twisted his head slightly to the left, he could just make out the bare curve of Taemin’s back through the gap where the divider didn’t quite meet the concrete wall it was attached to. Jinki was aware that if Taemin turned, that he would have a clear view of Jinki’s face but Jinki was confident that he would be able to move away quickly enough to avoid being caught. Jinki had to bite back a happy chuckle at his success and shivered at the unabashed view that he had of the gentle slope of Taemin’s back end.

He knew it was wrong, but Jinki was hard almost instantly and even though his fingers itched to touch himself right then and there, the guilt stopped him. He shouldn’t have been there, watching Taemin wash himself, but Jinki couldn’t make his body move from the spot that it was glued to, eyes drawn to Taemin like a magnet.

When Taemin dropped his body wash and bent down to pick it up, Jinki thought he would black out, lashes fluttering as he drank in the sight like it was a cold glass of water. Suddenly, though, Taemin stood once more, turning his back to Jinki, unmoving and body tensed as though he were listening for something. Jinki cursed under his breath and prepared to make a run for it because even if Taemin knew that someone had been watching him, he could at least prevent Taemin from discovering who it was.

Before Jinki could move, though, Taemin turned, eyes burning into Jinki’s. It was deathly silent other than the quiet pitter patter of water spilling out from the shower heads above them. Jinki felt like a deer staring down the barrel of a shotgun and the sting of tears in his eyes was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He hadn’t meant for this to happen. He just liked Taemin too much to stay away.

Instead of his face filling with rage, Taemin’s expression was decidedly more pleasant. His fingers danced across his chest, fingering his rosy nipples as his lips puffed out. Jinki gasped out air as the gears turning in his head desperately tried to make sense of the situation. All at once, Taemin was on his knees, hard dick pointed in the air and face so close to Jinki’s that he could smell the body wash that he had been using. Jinki’s fingers grasped at the knob above his head that controlled the temperature of the water and twisted it roughly in one direction, hoping that the scalding burn of the water would distract him from the vision that Taemin made.

It was a useless plan, however, because Taemin’s eyes demanded Jinki’s attention and Jinki gave it to him without a second thought. Taemin reached out and gripped Jinki’s chin between his fingers and drew Jinki as close to him as the divider would allow, his head turning so that their noses wouldn’t bump when their lips met, tongues twisting together with an expertise that Jinki had only seen in pornos. This time, Jinki didn’t stop his hand from roughly fisting his dick, pumping it with rocket speed as Taemin captured Jinki’s bottom lip between his teeth as if to drag Jinki through the stall and into his arms. When Jinki came, it was with a muffled gasp, the rush of his orgasm almost painfully twisting his stomach. His eyes squeezed shut tightly against his will and he wished that he could have looked into Taemin’s eyes as he shot his load, wanting to taste the desire that drenched the blonde’s gaze.

After a moment or two of muffled whining, Jinki coaxed his brain into listening to him, again, and managed to get his eyes open. However, when he could finally focus his vision, his heart stopped beating.

Taemin was standing, facing the spray of water, humming lightly to some pop song that Jinki absent mindedly remembered hearing on the radio. It was as if Jinki had just imagined the kiss that they had just shared and the thought made Jinki so confused that he didn’t even want to entertain it. However, he couldn’t deny that Taemin was acting like he didn’t even notice that Jinki was there.

Jinki dragged himself away from the divider and sat under the spray of the water, just noticing that his skin had turned an angry red from the boiling heat that rained down on him and a few areas of his skin were lightly burned. He didn’t mind the pain for the clarity that it gave him. He concluded that Taemin must have been pretending to not notice Jinki so that he didn’t seem easy. Jinki could understand considering the reputation that the blonde had around campus. Jinki decided that it was dangerous for him to stay much longer.

He shut off his shower and exited the stall as quickly as possible, ignoring the way that the burns on his skin rubbed against the fabric of his shirt.

The next morning, he rubbed some aloe vera into his burns and wore a sweater despite the heat so that Kibum wouldn’t ask questions. His day progressed rather normally: he went to lectures, took notes, stressed about a research paper, ate lunch with Kibum, and thought about Taemin. Kibum commented that he thought it was cute that the margins of Jinki’s notes were covered with Taemin’s name in little hearts.

Jinki smiled secretly to himself because only he knew just how close he and Taemin were after the previous night. Kibum didn’t know that Taemin was seducing Jinki.

After dinner, he took the long way back to his dorm, purposefully walking past Taemin’s window. His steps slow as he approached it, head turned in its direction in order to peek inside. The windows were open and Taemin appeared to be lounging in bed. Taemin’s bed wasn’t immediately visible from the window, but Jinki had been in Taemin’s room before and locating it from the outside wasn’t difficult. He didn’t stop himself from creeping up to it, ducking just under the sill.

He was just about to lean upwards in order to get a good look at the inside when he hears a muffled moan come from the room. His cheeks flooded with blood and his neck grew warm, skin itchy beneath his sweater. He paused, daring not to make a move or sound as he listened to the wet slide of Taemin jerking his cock.

Jinki chanced a glance over the window sill, hiding his head behind the clay pot placed there. Taemin’s face was flushed pink with exertion and even though his body was hidden beneath the covers, Jinki could clearly see his fist making quick work of his straining erection. Taemin’s eyes were shut tightly, the force of his pleasure leaving him blind. Jinki’s fingers itched towards his pocket, finding his cellphone with ease.

Not for the first time, Jinki cursed his old flip phone. When his parents had offered to upgrade his phone before he went off to school, Jinki had politely refused them, insisting that while his phone was outdated and difficult to use, it had never failed him before so it just wasn’t right to toss it away. Now, however, staring at the low quality resolution of the camera, he wished that he hadn’t been so sentimental.

He was careful that time to turn off the camera sound effect that his phone had. He didn’t want to startle Taemin.

He took twelve photos right before Taemin’s eyes snapped open with a gasp, body twisting and turning in the sheets. Unfortunately for Jinki, Taemin’s gaze was drawn to him like a magnet, his stare boring right into Jinki’s.

Jinki panicked and was filled entirely with terror. He scrambled to find an excuse for him being there, but he had none. He was just about to open his mouth to stutter out something about dropping his favorite pencil on the ground outside Taemin’s window when suddenly, Taemin’s lips twisted up into a little smile, face softening. Taemin’s eyes were beckoning to him, calling for him to climb through the window.

He moved to fulfill Taemin’s command, looking around himself to make sure that no one was looking, when, after looking back into the room, Jinki was suddenly stopped. He looked again and realized that Taemin was, in fact, not looking at Jinki, at all. Rather, Taemin still had his eyes tightly shut, oblivious to the fact that Jinki was there at all.

Jinki was filled with a cold chill at the thought. He couldn’t have imagined Taemin calling him into the room. He couldn’t have been making it up. He searched Taemin’s pleasure filled face for answers and after a moment or two of deliberation, Jinki decided that Taemin was shy. He convinced himself that Taemin changed his mind at the spur of a moment and was now acting like he didn’t know Jinki was there in order to avoid embarrassment.

Jinki was filled with warmth and love. He knew that those rumors about Taemin being an immodest tart weren’t true. He dragged the corners of his lips up past his ears, crinkling his eyes in joy.

He decided to honor Taemin’s silent request, slinking away from the window sill with only the pictures to remember the moment by. It did not bother him in the least because he knew that he would be back. He would wait forever for Taemin if he had to.

By the time a week had passed, his phone was filled with pictures of Taemin. Taemin playing video games. Taemin eating chips. Taemin dancing. Taemin undressing. Taemin masturbating. Taemin sleeping. His favorite was the one of Taemin sleeping. His head was turned towards the camera and his cheek was covered in drool.

Jinki printed the picture out and slid it into the empty plastic slot in his wallet for safe keeping.

~~

He was at a frat party, music shaking the thin walls of the tiny house. The university offered most of the fraternities on campus small, three room houses that were intended for meetings but were usually reserved for the parties that would be thrown on a weekly basis.

Jinki was not much of a wild child. The only parties that he usually even attempted to make appearances at were the ones hosted by Jonghyun because Jinki didn’t want to hurt his feelings by refusing. However, this weekend was one of the larger fraternity’s annual beach party. This meant that the floor of the tiny house was covered in sand, girls were dressed in bikinis, and Kibum was demanding that Jinki socialized for once in his life.

To be fair, Kibum had stuck by his side for a record thirty minutes, dragging Jinki through the crowd to talk to some people Jinki was already associated with by default of being a close friend of Kibum’s. It wasn’t long, though, before the call of the bar made Kibum turn to Jinki with wide, downturned eyes and Jinki was waving him off to go have fun, his duty done.

Kibum had the decency to flash him a sheepish smile and parked him in front of Minho, insisting that Minho was on a dry spell because of soccer and wouldn’t be doing any drinking. Jinki beamed back at Kibum to reassure him even though he wished that he had just stayed in his room to work on some homework and maybe label some stamps.

Minho was pretty decent company, though, and time seemed to fly by as they discussed soccer and sportsmanship, two things that Jinki didn’t know a lot about, but Minho was eager to share his knowledge, wide eyes flaming with passion. At some point Jinki had stopped listening to what Minho was saying, eyes scanning the room for familiar faces. He caught the gaze of some people who he recognized from classes here and there and a few lifted their hands in greeting, but none intrigued him enough to tempt him into talking with them.

Drawing his attention back to Minho, Jinki noticed that he was similarly looking around. Jinki didn’t blame him. While the two of them were friendly with each other, Jinki was sure that Minho wanted to pass his time with someone he was closer to. Jinki decided to cut him some slack and reached out a hand to pat his shoulder.

“Why don’t you go find Suho? I think I’m going to head back. I’m beat!” Jinki passed his expression off as something sleepy.

Minho nodded quickly. “Oh, sure, hyung! Get some rest! I’ll see you later!” And with that, Minho was gone.

Jinki sighed, relaxing his face into blankness and began to make his way out, weaving through the masses of tangled bodies that had spilled out of the cramped dance floor and out onto the road in front of the house. When he had managed to burst from the crowd, he took a deep breath of fresh air, expelling the stale substances that he had been breathing in for the better part of two hours. He lifted a hand and wiped sweat from his brow that had inevitably collected even though he had been doing very little moving, and began to slink back to his dorm, cutting through the library in order to get back.

Unfortunately, because it was the night of such a large party, the library was bustling with people, boys sloshing red solo cups around and girls crowding around bathrooms. Jinki sighed at the sight, wishing only for some peace and quiet to drown out the pounding of the bass that he could still pick up even from inside the building.

He didn’t waste time, making his way through the library quickly, his feet slapping on the pavement as he trudged back to his dorm, not even paying attention to the fact that he was quickly nearing the student mailroom. He did notice, however, the faint scent of marijuana drifting from the tiny set of stairs that were masked by a wall. It wasn’t an uncommon place to smoke pot, the location was smartly hidden from view of any security cameras and the open air would mask the scent for the most part. Besides, the mailroom was closed on the weekends and no one who was passing by would rat out anyone who happened to be using the cubby.

He was prepared to step by quickly and make his way back to the dorm, but just as he had made up his mind to just ignore whoever was using the space, he heard something glass bounce on the hard concrete, followed by an abrupt string of obscenities.

Jinki knew the voice and his feet suddenly turn of their own accord, heading over to the dark alley, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt down low over his face so that he wouldn’t be recognized. He peeked just slightly into the little alley to see that it was, in fact, Taemin with his back to the gap between the walls, crouching over whatever it was he had dropped to the ground. It appeared to be a make shift pipe of some sort that he had fashioned from a test tube that was most likely stolen from the chemistry labs. Normally, seeing someone scramble on the ground for a few leaves would have been cause enough for Jinki to just leave, but since it was Taemin and not just some stranger, Jinki instead just shook his head at the sight.

He slid down into the hideaway quietly enough that Taemin did not hear him. He shouldn’t have been creeping up behind Taemin like he was, but his curiosity had obviously gotten the better of him. He watched in fascination as Taemin packed his makeshift bowl before lifting the glass to his lips, lighting the little bulb at the end. The rapid flicker of the lighter illuminated his face briefly enough for Jinki to make out that his eyes were glazed over.

Jinki was careful not to make a sound as he watched Taemin for quite some time, fighting back choking coughs at the strong smoke drifted over to where he sat. Even though his knees were aching from crouching on the hard concrete for so long, he stayed to watch Taemin smoke another bowl. He never moved towards the boy in the alley, but when he suddenly slumped forward, Jinki tried to fight the urge to move towards him.

He glanced around himself and saw that there was no one around who could have helped Taemin and decided that leaving him there to recover by himself wouldn’t be in the other boy’s best interest. It didn’t take long for Jinki to decide to risk his identity being discovered in order to ensure that Taemin would be safe.

As Jinki drew closer, Taemin’s head snapped up, eyes blinking rapidly. “Who’s there? I’m not sharing so you can fuck right off!”

Jinki winced at the language and drew his hood tighter around his face. When he was finally standing in front of Taemin, the boy lifted his heavy head and narrowed his eyes at Jinki. Even though he was sitting, Jinki could see that Taemin was drifting back and forth.

Leaning down, he gestured towards Taemin’s arm, urging him to sling it over Jinki’s shoulder.

“Look, I’m going to help you get back to your room, okay?” Jinki murmured gently, careful to keep his voice neutral.

Taemin took a moment to process what Jinki was saying but once he did, his face split into a thankful grin.

“Ah, thanks, man! I’m cross faded as fuck right now!” He giggled happily and tossed his arm around Jinki, leaning most of his weight on the older boy.

Jinki winced at the dead weight that Taemin became and helped the boy stand on wobbly legs, trying not to breathe too deeply since the blonde still absolutely reeked of marijuana and alcohol. After making sure that Taemin was secure, they began making their way back to Taemin’s dorm. Jinki was thankful that it wasn’t too far from where they stood.

Taemin didn’t bother asking how Jinki knew where he lived. Instead, he spent most of their quick journey rambling about how much he really wanted some shrimp chips. Jinki listened attentively, soaking every word and carefully committing them to memory.

Much too quickly for Jinki’s tastes, they arrived at Taemin’s door. Upon approaching it, Taemin unwound his arm from Jinki’s neck and wrapped his hand around the door knob carefully, concentrating on twisting it open while his eyes were still blinking randomly. Once the door was finally open, Taemin turned back to Jinki and beamed a brilliant smile at him.

“Thanks for the help, hyung, I really appreciate it.” Jinki warmed at the honorific, toes curling in delight. Right as Jinki was preparing to turn around and leave, though, Taemin leaned up and planted a sloppy kiss on Jinki’s cheek, painting it with spit. With that done, Taemin wasted no time in entering the room, closing the door tightly shut behind him.

Jinki was rooted to his spot, feet unable to carry him away. He lifted a shaking hand to his cheek and fingered the spot where Taemin’s lips had been. His mouth curled into a happy smile. Excitement bubbling in his throat.

He was in love.

~~~

Jinki received a text message that Thursday from Kibum informing him that he was to attend a performance that Jonghyun was putting on at a local bar called The Lair. The bar was known for the local music performers that they invited on Thursday nights and the fact that they aren’t particularly careful when it comes to carding people who aren’t obviously underage. Jinki agreed easily, happy to support his friend.

Kibum dressed him, claiming that if left to his own devices, Jinki will only embarrass him with the terrible assortment of fabric that he’d call an outfit. Unfortunately for Jinki, this meant that he was wearing jeans that were tight enough to be considered a second skin and some shirt with ridiculous cut outs. He felt extremely uncomfortable.

“Are you sure that I have to wear this?” Jinki whined, tugging at his pant legs in the hopes that somehow, tugging them slightly to the left will give his crotch more room to breathe.

Kibum huffed. “I refuse to be seen with someone who dresses like it’s still nineteen forty three. Get over yourself, you look fine!”

Jinki sighed and accepted his fate, acknowledging that the jeans were rather flattering and that his outfit wasn’t nearly as loud as his friend’s. Kibum, in contrast to Jinki who was adorned in mostly black and grey, was covered head to toe in pink and white. He was sure that Kibum’s choice of color was mostly due to the fact that he absolutely hated to be lost in a crowd, even if that meant wearing something so bright that he could have been seen from space. Not that Kibum could ever really be lost in a crowd. He had an energy about him that just drew people close no matter what he was wearing.

When Kibum had decided that his hair was appropriately coiffed, he nodded at his reflection in the mirror hanging on the back of his door and grabbed his keys, Jinki’s arm, and his sunglasses. The fact that the sun had long ago set told Jinki that the sunglasses were for tomorrow morning and that Kibum didn’t plan on being sober for long.

The Lair was absolutely packed when they arrived five minutes late because Kibum was never on time on principle. Together, they pushed through the crowd, Jinki politely tapping people on the shoulder and Kibum demanding to be let through, until they were somewhere near the tiny stage in the corner.

Jonghyun looked like he was born to be on stage, hair swept away from his face and shining silver under the spotlight. He was dressed casually in some worn band-tshirt that had long since faded and skinny jeans that hung low on his narrow hips. Jinki noticed that he wore his insoles that night and chuckled under his breath. After a word or two of introduction, Jonghyun picked up the acoustic guitar next to him and began plucking at the strings with an expertise that Jinki could not understand, but still found deeply amazing. It wasn’t long until Jonghyun’s voice rang throughout the room, demanding the attention of everyone there.

Jinki was swallowed up with pride all at once. Even though he had known Kibum for longer, having attended high school together, Jonghyun was still a very dear friend to him and watching him on stage, doing so well with so many people cheering for him, made Jinki very happy. His smile came easily to his face, lips stretching the appropriate amount and eyes crinkling happily.

Jonghyun’s performance was over much too quickly for Jinki’s tastes, music switching over to something much more pop and much more terrible. He and Kibum moved quickly through the crowd to reach Jonghyun, pushing through the group of people who were surrounding the silver haired man talking to him about his performance.

“Great job, Jamong!” Kibum screeched over the music right into Jonghyun’s ear, wrapping his arms around Jonghyun’s neck and squeezing the life out of him.

Jonghyun chuckled happily, apparently not minding the sudden noise, and hugged Kibum back, pressing his body right up against Kibum’s in a comfortably familiar manner. “Hey, thanks, Key. I’m glad that you could make it!”

Jonghyun drew away from Kibum to reach out for Jinki, hands clutching at his shirt in order to drag him into a hug. Even though Jinki did not initiate the contact, he found himself quickly relaxing into the embrace. “I’m so proud of you, Jonghyun. You did so well.” He reached up to pat at Jonghyun’s hair. His mouth was sore from smiling so much.

Jonghyun tucked his head on Jinki’s shoulder, insoles preventing him from nestling quite like he usually did. “Thanks, Jinki. That really means a lot.”

They spent some time there, the three of them, discussing Jonghyun’s performance but before long, Kibum was summoned by a group of freshmen girls who were giggling nearby. Kibum raised a brow for a moment before shrugging, agreeing to take some shots with them.

“Well, toodaloo!” He sung, waving a hand at the both of them and allowing himself to be dragged off by the group. Even though those girls had no chance with Kibum, Kibum enjoyed being the center of attention and the leader of a pack so he allowed them to entertain the thought.

Jonghyun, on the other hand, was pulled away by some older frat brothers who had come to support him, promising to play Edward 40 Hands with them. Jinki smiled as he watched him go, only slightly concerned for the state of his friends’ livers.

Jinki, himself, was not one to party very often. He didn’t enjoy alcohol because of the haze that it put his brain under and he wasn’t very good at socializing in large crowds, preferring one on one contact. He decided that because Jonghyun’s performance was over, that it was safe for him to just call it a night early and return to his dorm. His plans changed when a sudden flash of blonde near the door caught his attention just as he was preparing to leave.

Taemin was decadent as always, adorned in white skinny jeans and a black motorcycle jacket that was completely covered in spikes. His hair was braided on one side in tight rows and Jinki admires the slight smudge of eyeliner that drew his attention to the boy’s eyes. Surprisingly, Taemin was not dancing as Jinki would have expected him to. Instead, he was talking to a girl with long, bleached hair who was wearing a large t-shirt and shorts so short that they left nothing to the imagination.

Jinki blinked and suddenly, Taemin’s eyes met his, smoldering over the rim of the glass that he held to lips. His gaze was melting right into Jinki, filling him a warmth that rushed straight to his groin. Taemin’s tongue darted out to run along the rim of the glass. Jinki thought he was going to faint at the sight. Before Jinki could even think of blacking out, however, Taemin’s lips suddenly started to move, forming words.

Fuck. Me.

Something in him snapped at that point. Jinki’s heart had stopped beating quite some time ago, but he could feel it struggle to putter out a thump or two. He swallowed the spit that had pooled in his mouth and tugged nervously at the legs of his pants, carefully avoiding contact with his crotch. He looked up again and Taemin was gone, door slamming closed behind him.

Jinki was after him immediately, pushing through the crowd with a vigor that he had never shown before. He made his way to the door with little trouble and before he knew it, he was outside, night air cooling the sweat that had begun to form on his brow. He looked both ways down the street and caught sight of a head of blonde hair in the distance, setting off at a brisk walk after it.

He panted quietly as he rushed to catch up to Taemin, hands clenched into tight fists in order to prevent them from shaking. It doesn’t take long to come up behind the blonde boy, alcohol making Taemin’s movements slow. Jinki was so close that he can smell his cigarette. Taemin hadn’t noticed him, yet.

Jinki acted without thinking, grabbing Taemin around the shoulders and pulling him into an alleyway as soon as they were about to pass it. Jinki shoved him against the rough brick, pushing his face against it while Jinki pressed himself up against his back.

Taemin dropped his cigarette immediately, ignoring it as it rolled away sadly. “What the fuck are you doing?! Who are you?!” He shouted, struggling to break free from the grip that Jinki had on his shoulders.

Jinki’s breathing was rough and his heart was beating in his ears. He didn’t stop himself from burying his head in the crevice between Taemin’s neck and ear, breathing deeply. Taemin smelled like cinnamon and tobacco, just like his clothes, and something else. Jinki breathed even more deeply than before, sucking in the scent in an attempt to identify what it was.

“Marijuana is bad for you, Taeminnie.” Jinki rasped eventually, his voice coming out unintentionally deeper than normal. He didn’t even sound like himself.

Taemin shuddered away from Jinki, pressing himself up against the wall even more than he already was in an attempt to get away from him as much as possible. “You don’t even fucking know me you miserable shit!” Taemin shouted, voice quivering only slightly at the end.

Jinki clucked his tongue at Taemin’s behavior. Taemin should have expected Jinki to pursue him after the little act he had put on. “Tsk tsk, Taeminnie. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what we’re doing here.” He allowed his nose to drift up the side of Taemin’s neck nuzzling at his ear. “I saw the way you were looking at me. At Jonghyun’s party. In the shower. At the bar. Don’t act like you don’t know.”

Taemin recoiled instantly, allowing his weight to slacken in an attempt to get low to the ground and run away. Jinki was not having it, he slammed Taemin into the wall, holding him there with force enough to bruise.

Taemin’s anger remained resilient even though his body was quickly beginning to admit defeat. “Listen, whoever you are, you don’t know me. If you let me go right now, I promise I won’t tell anyone. I promise!”

Jinki clucked his tongue, again. “Don’t play coy with me. I just want us to be together, forever. I love you.” With that, Jinki pressed a kiss to Taemin’s ear.

Taemin let out a dry sob and stopped struggling entirely, accepting whatever Jinki was going to do to him. Jinki was offended by Taemin’s horror. This was not the angelic, confident Taemin who Jinki had loved from a distance. This weak, pitiful boy who was quivering in front of him made Jinki angry. He could feel the severe frown on his face, mouth sinking to his chin and brows furrowed almost painfully.

He yanked down Taemin’s jacket and Taemin yelped in surprise, sobbing in earnest as Jinki pressed his erection against Taemin’s backside in an attempt to physically show him how much Jinki adored him. Jinki lowered his head and pressed his nose to Taemin’s armpit, drinking in the scent and thrusting weakly against Taemin’s back. Before long, though, Jinki realized Taemin’s pants were rapidly becoming wet, soaked with urine. Taemin let out a whimper as he couldn’t contain his bladder from emptying itself in fear. His struggle resumed, limbs flailing out wildly before Jinki knocked the fight out of him.

Jinki caught sight of the tears rolling down Taemin’s cheeks in the dim light flooding into the alley from the street. He reached up to pet at Taemin’s hair, comforting him. “Shhhh, sweetie, it’s alright. It’s alright. I’m here. I’m here.” He cooed into Taemin’s ear which only made Taemin sob harder. Jinki’s voice grew harsher. “Stop crying! Why are you crying? Can’t you see that I love you?! You should be happy!”

The sobbing mess that Taemin was made Jinki snap out of whatever spell he had been under. He didn’t understand how things had reached that point. Deciding that he had no other choice, he reached up and closed his twitching hand around Taemin’s neck, squeezing tightly enough to leave bruises. He couldn’t risk Taemin telling anyone about what had happened as long as Taemin was so frightened. Thankfully, Taemin still didn’t know who he was.

He leaned his head down to Taemin’s ear. “No one can know about this,” He growled out. “If you’re a good boy, I’ll let go.” His grip tightened and Taemin’s breathing grew harsher as he struggled to cry out and draw in air at the same time.

“I-I’ll be...a...good boy...I won’t...tell…anyone!” Taemin gasped out, voice weak from lack of air.

He squeezed his hand around Taemin’s neck a final time before letting him go, watching as Taemin sprinted away from the alley at a breakneck speed, never once looking back.

He’s left standing there, alone in the alley. His face is blank as he leans down to pick up the leather jacket that Taemin had left behind. Jinki’s lips sagged downwards as he stroked the material beneath his fingers. He would have to return it to Taemin before it was missed, and the thought of having an excuse to see him, again, made Jinki feel nauseous.

He looked down the street both ways to make sure no one was there and then exited the alley at a leisurely pace, heading back to the school with his head heavy on his shoulders and his spirits as dark as the sky.

~~~

It was only when Jinki had shut his dorm room door tightly that he allowed himself to process what he had done. He recalled the fear on Taemin’s face and the complete terror that had been reflecting in his eyes. It was enough to make him sag against his door, nails biting into the skin of his palms as he hung his head in shame.

Eventually, he tore his body away from the door and dragged it to the communal bathroom down the hall, thanking whatever higher power there was that he seemed to be the only one there. There would be no one around to witness the disgust and regret that twisted his face into an ugly sneer.

“You’re a worthless sack of shit, Lee Jinki.” His reflection hissed at him. “You beat him. You made him cry. You’re disgusting.”

Taemin’s face flashed in his memory, an electric shock, and he was so overcome with emotion that he couldn’t even raise his eyes to meet his reflection’s, anymore. He stripped his clothes and set the water temperature in the shower to boiling, distracting himself with the pain. When his skin was a nice shade of blood red, Jinki finally evened his breathing and could think steadily enough to attempt to make sense of what he had done.

It would be for the best if Jinki could just stay away from Taemin, but his body craved the other boy’s presence to the point of obsession and he was convinced that he had fallen too far down the rabbit hole to have any possibility of pulling himself out at that point.

It was unfair, really, that he should be made to feel that way while Taemin was allowed to continue his life normally, not even aware that Jinki even existed. It made Jinki feel angry that Taemin wouldn’t even acknowledge how much Jinki cared for him. The lengths that he would go to for him.

His fists clenched into fists by his side and it took Jinki all of ten minutes to soothe the muscles that tightened and twisted in poorly suppressed rage. He breathed deeply, air huffing noisily past his lips before the sound was lost to the spray of the shower.

In that moment, in which Jinki had turned and flipped the clear image of Taemin’s face that had been bleeding anger and fear, he came to the decision that if Taemin wouldn’t accept his feelings, if he wouldn’t even acknowledge just how desperately Jinki wanted to be with him, then Jinki would have to make him.

Jinki cut the water off abruptly, droplets of water dripping into the mouth that was split into a grin.

~~~