im once again here

[soyo]

i just posted like.. 40 minutes ago. but, i wanted to post again because i have finished to read my older posts. Its sad. the way i can change so quickly. its amazing also. i mean, i am dying for this really important "issue" i have with the one who once was my best friend, and, when i was reading that above, i was shocked, i wrote things like "I dont really care right now. Ive been happy these days, and ive been trying to talk to him, see what is bothering him, but he always says that he doesnt want to get madder at that moment, so, he just tells me to fuck off. im sick of it, thought it has just been 2 or 3 times... its hard to come and say "hey, i fucked it up, sorry, what can i do? please lets talk", and then be rejected because he "doesnt want to get madder" what the fuck is that!?!?! hes is no one to tell me that, he just cant, we didnt sign a paper.. he knew what i was going to do, its hard i know, and what im saying is even more, but you know? what can i do? ..its life, and he would have done exactly the same in my position. then, if he wouldnt, then this thing is happening to us is not a mistake. I "fucked it up", but i was in complete right to do it, it is fucked up in his point of view, in my point of view it was just doing something i knew he wouldnt appreciate so much :P but still, ...acting the way he does now, doesnt help much."

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?!!! I LOVE HIM!! HE IS THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON IVE MET!! HOW COULD I WRITE THAT?
awful things, really awful things i know i dont want him to find out, because I DONT FEEL IT. and what is worse, sometimes i didnt even mention him!! why??!! i didnt forget about him!! that i know!

this is scaring me. is the girl who wrote that thing i just posted, the one inside my head?? or is it the girl who is writin right now?? how do i know what is what i really think and want? ..i guess now i understand men... and cesar O_O

*goes kill herself*