tiny little human, spit the cherry blossom out
tracing a crooked trajectory:
my first therapist in seattle told me that i was going to have to learn the same things over and over again, because i had been practicing such bad self care for 20+ years. brains aren't as elastic as capitalism would prefer, i guess.
i am struggling with what it means to be a functioning creature as well as a valuable one.
redundancy, my oldest comrade.
"the strength card...calls you to be your own best ally, to advocate for and honor all forms of life in yourself and in the world....often, power and strength become synonyms for not getting hurt--learning how to eschew vulnerability, withhold trust, inspire fear in would-be combatants, out-smart abuse and stay vigilant. Here, strength is about being grounded in systems of support that interrupt patterns of isolation--'doing it all myself.' It is about love, support, and esteem manifesting in the individual as a result of radical and transformative community.
the strength represented in this card is strength you already have by existing, not by physical strength and ability, not by conditioning, not by biting the bullet or turning the other cheek or bending so as not to break. it is about the strength to break and rebuild, to bend with the wind, and the exhilaration of the strength implicit in just being alive."
i have recently overheard people mocking the struggle with internalized oppression, and i take the anger out on myself. sometimes our names are written in pencil, and we are doing everything possible just to stay on the page.
i want to be able to take care of myself without external forces compelling me to.
i want to stop cutting.
there.
i said it.
no shameful secret.
it doesn't work, it doesn't make me feel better, and it doesn't make me want to take care of myself anymore.
i realize that i become intolerable to be around when i am not taking care of and loving myself. that is when other people's actions become big tidal waves and disorient me.
i constantly become lazy because the struggle to love myself is so hard, i burn out quickly and expect other people to fulfill that need in a way that is irresponsible.
i always wind back up in this same place, struggling not to pummel my head into the wall i'm facing. it's not my fault, but i am responsible for my actions, and even if i am not graceful i am constantly working on still being intentional.
the faster i forgive myself and refuse to be embarassed the faster i can move forward.
pressure applied internally and externally.
the continuation of a cruel joke--i am supposed to feel better involved in communities that do not exist for me, but i can't participate until i get my raging self hatred under control, but being around people is supposed to help me feel grounded according to every fucking self help book. it is a perpetual tug of war. one influences the other, and it's like a mind fuck to figure out what the appropriate balance is. do i self isolate until i feel better so that i'm not a fucking jerk? how do i push back on the idea that society is inherently isolating and fight for friendship while i am trying to take care of myself without expecting "the community" to?
you cannot talk about these things with friends because somehow your feelings are always wrong or people want to talk you out of feeling like shit. guess what? i know i'm somewhat batshit (craxy for life). telling me i'm wrong is not helping me process why that might be; it just makes me feel ashamed, embarassed, and triggers feelings of minimization about my experiences growing up.
but no one wants their friends to feel like shit, and i get that. it is just so frustrating to constantly have to fight so hard to own feelings and feel heard.
i become overtly hostile because i am so constantly not listened to or told that i'm wrong.
i'm always wrong.
and i am always only communicating to myself.
i don't expect anyone to understand anymore, but then i wonder if i'm looking in all the wrong directions. survivors create networks, have written repeatedly about their experiences, and still my ability to feel connected to anything larger than myself remains precariously small.
i start small--ground up.
i can move from there, buried at the ankles.
i am alive and i am attempting to live a life that is authentic and mine.
i am pushing against the limits of what a normal lifestyle looks like, what normal relationships look like, to own the fear inherent in understanding that this is the only life i'll have and refusing to live in a submissive state.
i am typing these words but not really believing them.
you will all think i'm cheesy and pathetic,
but this is how i build up.
dialectics.