On Peer Pressure
This was originally a comment on reddit, but it is huge and I doubt anyone will read it in a comment thread. Plus,it's an issue very close to my heart. Peer pressure.
FUCK that noise.
One of the great frustrations of my life was feeling constantly judged, like I had to impress people who were already supposed to be my friends. It was everywhere in high school, and I still encounter it all the time. Nowadays, when I meet someone who says things like, "oh... you like Boston?" or "well I had to steal his shoes, dude, he passed out right in the middle of the party" I can hear the ugly judgments behind the words and temper my initial "oh oops, better shut up and agree with this dude!" reaction to a healthy, "no, wait, I don't have to buy into this. This person is being an asshole, and if I call them on it, maybe they'll even realize what they're doing."
I had two friends who were both trying to get into the same group in high-school, and hated each other. They still don't really get along, mostly because he's bitter about how she treated him, but it's no problem in a group. Years after high school ended, she had a get-together of our friends (not the group they were both trying to impress, btw) and didn't invite him, trying to pass it off as a matter of convenience or "no big deal". I'll always be her friend, but damned if I wasn't grimly irritated when she gave in and invited him as soon as another friend and I told her we wouldn't come if he couldn't. She even told us, exasperatedly, that it wasn't some big thing or whatever (not a quote). We called her on it, and she copped.
Here are other statements that imply judgment and shame other people. See how many you have used!
"yeah, Jake is kind of a lightweight" (this is said with a smile, but it's meaning is clear: this guy is such a pussy. He will now feel defensive and have to compensate.)
"Dude, what is that music?" (Always accompanied by a amused and disbelieving look; this tells us that you are too cool to directly criticize a music choice but that this song is clearly stupid and awful.)
"He's the kind of guy who lives with his mom until he's forty" (This will embarrass everyone around you who has ever lived at home or even contemplated doing so.)
"...dude. You can't tell me you've NEVER seen Star Wars." (This is threatening social rejection and makes the target ashamed; they must now make an excuse or, if they're feeling confident, a self-deprecating joke.)
"I mean, I'm all for being open, but --" (Stop right there. Your self-professed openness is being challenged. Are you really open, or are you just okay with what you see most commonly?)
Not to say all your friends are neurotic and these remarks make them feel terrible. Just that these undercurrents will put them on the defensive and mold their way of thinking WITHOUT THEIR EVER EVEN NOTICING, and over the long-term it can do real damage. I've stopped myself from making statements like these -- I do slip up once in awhile, but now I notice it every time. Furthermore, when other people do it it can be very, very easy to call them on it; because if they're making these statements, they are also very susceptible to them.
Here are some supportive statements:
"Hey, I never thought of that but I gotta say you do kind of have a point."
"Oh man! You've never seen Star Wars? Dork. We should totally watch it some time; it's way more fun to see with other people."
"Fuck, dude, I'm so glad you're a cheap date. We go out and I get to finish all your drinks? Yeah, you and I are going barhopping every week from now on."
"You love Journey? Hah, that's ridiculous. Show me their most awesometastic album sometime."
Supportive doesn't mean you have to gaze deep into their eyes and embrace their soul. It just means letting them know that their choices are acceptable. So the next time someone says, "hah. Well, at least they're not Kansas," look them right in the eye and say, "actually, I like Kansas, too." Odds are they're the ones who will end up feeling kind of stupid. Plus one to personal freedom!