The List
Here is a list of movies I've reviewed, with links to the original columns. For your convenience a mini review follows each title. I'll try to keep this up to date.
Alien: Resurrection (1997) French film crew does a better job with the xenomorphs than previous sequel does.
The Beast in the Cellar (1970) "So we did the only humane thing: we locked your brother in the basement for 30 years and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week."
The Blob (1988) Kevin Dillon's mullet takes on an 80's remake of the classic alien slime mold plasmodium movie.
The Call of Cthulhu (2005) Charming silent movie is just about the best Lovecraft adaption I've seen. Pity about the scrawny muppet Cthulhu.
Cast a Deadly Spell (1991) A made for cable noir comedy set in a world where everyone uses magic, starring Fred Ward as muggle Detective H.P.Lovecraft.
Centipede! (2004) Monstrous rubber myriapod can't kill boring bratty characters fast enough.
Cloverfield (2008) Giant monster rampage movie shot from the point of view of three characters we don't care about.
Curse of the Komodo (2003) Tedious made for video CGI monster movie with boobs thrown in to see if anyone will watch. They didn't.
Dead Heist (2006) I was more charmed than I should have been by this urban (you know, black) gangster zombie movie. Bad acting but a fun time.
The Descent (2005) Unsettling adventure horror. Deliverance with all female cast plus hideous cave monsters.
Dreamcatcher (2003) Slightly scary slightly ridiculous Stephen King story. The parasitic alien's British accent is sillier than the fact it erupts bloodily from the host's anus.
Equilibrium (2002) Throwback to 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 is pretty lightweight but entertaining, and demonstrates what martial arts have been missing: guns.
Fantastic Planet (1973) Freaky war allegory turns men into mice. Animated alien planet is uniquely imagined.
The Fly (1986) Greatest eighties horror movie? Close, but The Thing still wins.
The Fountain (2006) Hugh Jackman plays three characters in some deep thoughtful new age claptrap about mortality or something.
Frostbitten (2006) What do bored teenagers do in the long Swedish winters? They take drugs and become vampires!
Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2008) First feature-length Futurama cartoon is too slowly paced, but quenches fans' long thirst.
Horrors of War (2006) Low budget Nazi monster movie not scary, not funny. Why bother?
The Host(2006) Exhilarating beginning gives way to slow glum middle in this inventive giant monster picture from Korea.
Hot Fuzz (2007) Hilarious and surprisingly violent action parody.
Idiocracy (2005) Why is the most clever (and frighteningly plausible) modern vision of the future a Mike Judge comedy starring Luke Wilson?
Inception (2010) Spies poke around in people's dreams looking for information. The dreamworld is apparently made of James Bond chase scenes.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Silliest and least plausible of the series. Designed to inspire theme park rides.
The Island (2005) Logan's Run + The Clonus Horror given the Michael Bay treatment. BOOM!!!
Kingdom of the Spiders (1977) Big Bill Shatner tries to survive when his town is overrun with harmless tarantulas. A little sluggish but builds to a good ending.
La Jetee(1963) French filmstrip turns out to be a gripping post-holocaust time travel romance adventure.
Lake Placid (1999) Betty White kills in this unfairly mocked croc pic. Second best Jaws ripoff after Tremors.
Let the Right One In (2008) Best and least campy vampire movie in years brought to you by the country that produced ABBA.
Little Otik (2000) Desperate childless couple adopt a man-eating piece of wood in this disturbing, bizarre, and funny satire.
Mirrormask (2005) Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean's modern Alice in Wonderland. Fantastic to look at, but the scenes could be shown in any order with equal impact.
Moon of the Wolf (1972) Made for tv werewolf movie with all the excitement of the non-action parts of an episode of CHiPs.
Murder Party (2007) Very funny low budget slasher comedy, surprisingly charming and clever.
Natural Born Killers (1994) A scathing indictment of itself. A stylized parody of sadism that is as unpleasant to watch as realistic sadism.
Of Unknown Origin (1983) Peter Weller driven crazy by a rat in the walls. More Rambo than Lovecraft.
Pickman's Model (2008) Short Lovecraft adaption fails to scare.
Play Time (1967) Sprawling behemoth of a movie about the alienating effect of modern life alienates audiences by having no story to follow.
The Prestige (2007) Dueling douchebags who happen to be magicians entertainingly ruin one anothers' lives until someone has to go and break the rules of time and space.
Prophecy: the Monster Movie (1979) Mutated bear decapitates polluters in bloody seventies message monster flick.
The Protector (2005) Thai country boy Tony Jaa kicks an insane amount of Australian gangster ass in his quest to recover a stolen baby elephant.
Seconds (1966) Atmospheric thriller about identity and The Self shows how horrible it would be to have to live a decadent life in a mansion on the beach in California. Hindsight makes Rock Hudson's role more eerie.
Sexmission (1985) Two sexist dolts wake up in a future where women rule, and ride around topless on roller skates. I'm sure this Polish farce says something about that country's attitudes about the sexes, but I'm afraid to find out what.
Slither (2006) Homage to eighties horror gets nearly everything right, and gives us a dose of Capn' Tightpants as well.
Soldier (1998) Kurt Russell is a strong silent pile of meat, fighting new and improved supersoldiers on a garbage dump planet full of snakes.
Spider-Man 3 (2007) Three plots needlessly stuffed into one comic book. Still worth making popcorn for.
Splice (2009) Adrian Brody is one of two annoying nerd hipster genetic engineers who can't keep their hands of their human/animal chimera.
The Sticky Fingers of Time (1997) Fascinating low-budget time travel movie deserves the necessary two viewings to appreciate it.
Straight to Hell (1987) Fun, scattered mess of a movie. Punk rockers make a spaghetti western. The cinematic equivalent of a snowball fight.
Strange Invaders (1983) Dull, unwatchable alien invasion flick.
Sunshine (2007) Annoying astronauts including ugly heartthrob Cillian Murphy and pan-Asian hottie Michelle Yeoh bicker with and kill one another on their way to save the sun by putting a bomb on (in?) it.
The Man From Earth (2007) A cro-magnon man survives to the present day in order to bore a room full of college professors.
The Mist (2007) Slightly more scary less ridiculous Stephen King story, where crazy Christians are more frightening than giant bugs from another dimension.
The Terror (1963) A Roger Corman movie starring Jack Nicholson and Boris Karloff? You've never heard of it because it's boring.
Timecrimes (2007) Airtight script traps a man in a time loop that he can escape only through committing foul acts. NOT a remake of Timecop.
WALL-E (2008) 700 years after Idiocracy, cute robots save humanity.
Wolfhound (2002) Ludicrous softcore furry porn.
Alien: Resurrection (1997) French film crew does a better job with the xenomorphs than previous sequel does.
The Beast in the Cellar (1970) "So we did the only humane thing: we locked your brother in the basement for 30 years and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week."
The Blob (1988) Kevin Dillon's mullet takes on an 80's remake of the classic alien slime mold plasmodium movie.
The Call of Cthulhu (2005) Charming silent movie is just about the best Lovecraft adaption I've seen. Pity about the scrawny muppet Cthulhu.
Cast a Deadly Spell (1991) A made for cable noir comedy set in a world where everyone uses magic, starring Fred Ward as muggle Detective H.P.Lovecraft.
Centipede! (2004) Monstrous rubber myriapod can't kill boring bratty characters fast enough.
Cloverfield (2008) Giant monster rampage movie shot from the point of view of three characters we don't care about.
Curse of the Komodo (2003) Tedious made for video CGI monster movie with boobs thrown in to see if anyone will watch. They didn't.
Dead Heist (2006) I was more charmed than I should have been by this urban (you know, black) gangster zombie movie. Bad acting but a fun time.
The Descent (2005) Unsettling adventure horror. Deliverance with all female cast plus hideous cave monsters.
Dreamcatcher (2003) Slightly scary slightly ridiculous Stephen King story. The parasitic alien's British accent is sillier than the fact it erupts bloodily from the host's anus.
Equilibrium (2002) Throwback to 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 is pretty lightweight but entertaining, and demonstrates what martial arts have been missing: guns.
Fantastic Planet (1973) Freaky war allegory turns men into mice. Animated alien planet is uniquely imagined.
The Fly (1986) Greatest eighties horror movie? Close, but The Thing still wins.
The Fountain (2006) Hugh Jackman plays three characters in some deep thoughtful new age claptrap about mortality or something.
Frostbitten (2006) What do bored teenagers do in the long Swedish winters? They take drugs and become vampires!
Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2008) First feature-length Futurama cartoon is too slowly paced, but quenches fans' long thirst.
Horrors of War (2006) Low budget Nazi monster movie not scary, not funny. Why bother?
The Host(2006) Exhilarating beginning gives way to slow glum middle in this inventive giant monster picture from Korea.
Hot Fuzz (2007) Hilarious and surprisingly violent action parody.
Idiocracy (2005) Why is the most clever (and frighteningly plausible) modern vision of the future a Mike Judge comedy starring Luke Wilson?
Inception (2010) Spies poke around in people's dreams looking for information. The dreamworld is apparently made of James Bond chase scenes.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Silliest and least plausible of the series. Designed to inspire theme park rides.
The Island (2005) Logan's Run + The Clonus Horror given the Michael Bay treatment. BOOM!!!
Kingdom of the Spiders (1977) Big Bill Shatner tries to survive when his town is overrun with harmless tarantulas. A little sluggish but builds to a good ending.
La Jetee(1963) French filmstrip turns out to be a gripping post-holocaust time travel romance adventure.
Lake Placid (1999) Betty White kills in this unfairly mocked croc pic. Second best Jaws ripoff after Tremors.
Let the Right One In (2008) Best and least campy vampire movie in years brought to you by the country that produced ABBA.
Little Otik (2000) Desperate childless couple adopt a man-eating piece of wood in this disturbing, bizarre, and funny satire.
Mirrormask (2005) Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean's modern Alice in Wonderland. Fantastic to look at, but the scenes could be shown in any order with equal impact.
Moon of the Wolf (1972) Made for tv werewolf movie with all the excitement of the non-action parts of an episode of CHiPs.
Murder Party (2007) Very funny low budget slasher comedy, surprisingly charming and clever.
Natural Born Killers (1994) A scathing indictment of itself. A stylized parody of sadism that is as unpleasant to watch as realistic sadism.
Of Unknown Origin (1983) Peter Weller driven crazy by a rat in the walls. More Rambo than Lovecraft.
Pickman's Model (2008) Short Lovecraft adaption fails to scare.
Play Time (1967) Sprawling behemoth of a movie about the alienating effect of modern life alienates audiences by having no story to follow.
The Prestige (2007) Dueling douchebags who happen to be magicians entertainingly ruin one anothers' lives until someone has to go and break the rules of time and space.
Prophecy: the Monster Movie (1979) Mutated bear decapitates polluters in bloody seventies message monster flick.
The Protector (2005) Thai country boy Tony Jaa kicks an insane amount of Australian gangster ass in his quest to recover a stolen baby elephant.
Seconds (1966) Atmospheric thriller about identity and The Self shows how horrible it would be to have to live a decadent life in a mansion on the beach in California. Hindsight makes Rock Hudson's role more eerie.
Sexmission (1985) Two sexist dolts wake up in a future where women rule, and ride around topless on roller skates. I'm sure this Polish farce says something about that country's attitudes about the sexes, but I'm afraid to find out what.
Slither (2006) Homage to eighties horror gets nearly everything right, and gives us a dose of Capn' Tightpants as well.
Soldier (1998) Kurt Russell is a strong silent pile of meat, fighting new and improved supersoldiers on a garbage dump planet full of snakes.
Spider-Man 3 (2007) Three plots needlessly stuffed into one comic book. Still worth making popcorn for.
Splice (2009) Adrian Brody is one of two annoying nerd hipster genetic engineers who can't keep their hands of their human/animal chimera.
The Sticky Fingers of Time (1997) Fascinating low-budget time travel movie deserves the necessary two viewings to appreciate it.
Straight to Hell (1987) Fun, scattered mess of a movie. Punk rockers make a spaghetti western. The cinematic equivalent of a snowball fight.
Strange Invaders (1983) Dull, unwatchable alien invasion flick.
Sunshine (2007) Annoying astronauts including ugly heartthrob Cillian Murphy and pan-Asian hottie Michelle Yeoh bicker with and kill one another on their way to save the sun by putting a bomb on (in?) it.
The Man From Earth (2007) A cro-magnon man survives to the present day in order to bore a room full of college professors.
The Mist (2007) Slightly more scary less ridiculous Stephen King story, where crazy Christians are more frightening than giant bugs from another dimension.
The Terror (1963) A Roger Corman movie starring Jack Nicholson and Boris Karloff? You've never heard of it because it's boring.
Timecrimes (2007) Airtight script traps a man in a time loop that he can escape only through committing foul acts. NOT a remake of Timecop.
WALL-E (2008) 700 years after Idiocracy, cute robots save humanity.
Wolfhound (2002) Ludicrous softcore furry porn.