(no subject)
Worst day. Ever.
Where do I even fucking start? I had my first experience teaching in a real classroom with real live 3rd graders today. At the end of the day I was weeping uncontrollably, which I told others was because of my (failure of a) lesson. Just to clarify, there were several things about my experience that caused me to get so upset. One of them was indeed my lesson; I know that it was my first time and so it's natural that I didn't do it perfectly. It just really irked me that I spent hours of time yesterday and today practicing, strategizing, and perfecting the delivery of my lesson. However, when I started the lesson I completely forgot everything. I had planned on making more connections, clarifying objections more, getting student input... I even memorized the list of Love and Logic re-phrasings so that I could more affectively manage the class (as opposed to barking orders... "do this" "do that"; basically, instead of "raise your hand when you need to talk" a more affective alternative would be "You're welcome to speak if you raise your hand."). That, and it really bothered me that I felt my cooperating teacher was undermining me by having the kids go up to the board and list the good/bad kids (which they do with my cooperating teacher... kind of. I've never seen her do it), and it really fucking pissed me off that she had them do it without telling or even asking me for my permission. That really angered me because it heavily disrupted the lesson and the children's work because they were preoccupied with getting their name on/off of the board and there was consistently a throng of kids at the board not doing their work. Which leads us to the main issue that upset me so much today: my cooperating teacher. Basically, I got so sick of her that I held in my anger until I couldn't handle it any more. The funny thing is that she can be a really great teacher and she's a really nice person...when she's not teaching a large class of students. For instance, as soon as the kindergarten class got in their seats for their class they got a verbal spanking, which entailed the teacher going on and on about how "You're five years old! Do you really think that you can do whatever you want? You're five years old!!" Which, thinking in my head, "...yeah--they're five years old. That's why they can't sit and be silent for 45 minutes." Like, when she was telling my advisor (who was there to observe my lesson) about how "bad" they were today, and mentioned how it was upsetting that she had to resort to yelling her head off, I was thinking that it's really sad that she thinks it's *okay* to yell her head off at kids. Ugh--she's completely intolerable. I'm normally not a violent person, but when she was yelling at the kids today I really truly felt the urge to slap her in the face, strangle her, and tell her what an awful person she is for ruining her students' lives. Honestly. She is a horrible, horrible person, and it angers me to no end that whenever I do an observation at an urban school I'm stuck with teachers that don't know how to teach--they just yell and degrade students. Where are all the good urban art teachers? Why am I stuck with the "do-not" example? I just feel sooooooooooooooooooo bad for her students--especially the kindergarteners. She has completely unrealistic, unhealthy expectations for them. Those kids are sweet as pie, too--they're wonderful children with huge personalities, talent, and creativity. They're lucky to be at a school that offers art class EVERY DAY for a semester. That's what's great about the school I'm placed--it's an arts-orientaed school. You'd think that there'd be a focus on student enrichment and all that jazz, but the teachers are still douchebags who don't know how to manage their classes, my teacher being no exception. Ugh... When she was yelling at the little ones today I really felt bad, though. I was starting to get teary-eyed because I felt so terrible for them that they had to deal with this every day. If you were a sensitive five-year-old and you had to get brutally yelled at every day it'd affect you. And those kids are so so sensitive--it's abusive, really. It's mentally unhealthy for the children to be in such a cold, negative environment. The first and second days I did my observation the kindergarteners were so warm and sweet to me just because I'm one of the few people in their day who gave them respect and treated them lovingly (their homeroom teacher is also a grade-A bitch, who yells at them and has unrealistic expecations as well). The third day I was there they had an awards assembly, and while my cooperating teacher was dealing with supervising a class in the back of the gym, I was watching the little 'uns. I remember sitting behind them at a table, with them on the floor in front of me. They were getting a bit rowdy so I sat down among them to tell them that it'd be a good idea to be quiet because it's respectful, etc. etc. And as soon as I sat down I was submerged in a little sea of children--it's like I had a gravitational pull, an orbit--something that caused the kids to all excitedly sit right by me. It was thrilling that they liked me so much! By the end of the assembly the kids had mostly spread out more, but I was left with two little girls and a little boy who stuck right by my side, practically sitting in my lap and clinging to my sides. They barely knew me, and yet they felt comfortable with me because I treated them like fellow people who deemed respect. Because that's what they are--it's all in the damn golden rule, and it's sad that such a basic concept of "gee, if I treat the kids lovingly they might too!" goes by the wayside with so many teachers.
Ugh.
That, and my lesson didn't go as planned at all.
I don't know if I can do this.
I just thought that the lesson/unit planning homework was the worst part--so much info, etc. It goes beyond that. I was stressed at that point, re-thinking my future. Now I definately am.
I can't do this.
Just teaching one measley little lesson to some third graders was beyond my capability.
So what do I do now? It's too late to change a major, and the only other thing I excel at is art, and while I could definately stand the diet of becoming an artist (seeing as I wouldn't be selling any work...), I don't see it as being feasible in any way.
Ugh... worst day of my life.
Where do I even fucking start? I had my first experience teaching in a real classroom with real live 3rd graders today. At the end of the day I was weeping uncontrollably, which I told others was because of my (failure of a) lesson. Just to clarify, there were several things about my experience that caused me to get so upset. One of them was indeed my lesson; I know that it was my first time and so it's natural that I didn't do it perfectly. It just really irked me that I spent hours of time yesterday and today practicing, strategizing, and perfecting the delivery of my lesson. However, when I started the lesson I completely forgot everything. I had planned on making more connections, clarifying objections more, getting student input... I even memorized the list of Love and Logic re-phrasings so that I could more affectively manage the class (as opposed to barking orders... "do this" "do that"; basically, instead of "raise your hand when you need to talk" a more affective alternative would be "You're welcome to speak if you raise your hand."). That, and it really bothered me that I felt my cooperating teacher was undermining me by having the kids go up to the board and list the good/bad kids (which they do with my cooperating teacher... kind of. I've never seen her do it), and it really fucking pissed me off that she had them do it without telling or even asking me for my permission. That really angered me because it heavily disrupted the lesson and the children's work because they were preoccupied with getting their name on/off of the board and there was consistently a throng of kids at the board not doing their work. Which leads us to the main issue that upset me so much today: my cooperating teacher. Basically, I got so sick of her that I held in my anger until I couldn't handle it any more. The funny thing is that she can be a really great teacher and she's a really nice person...when she's not teaching a large class of students. For instance, as soon as the kindergarten class got in their seats for their class they got a verbal spanking, which entailed the teacher going on and on about how "You're five years old! Do you really think that you can do whatever you want? You're five years old!!" Which, thinking in my head, "...yeah--they're five years old. That's why they can't sit and be silent for 45 minutes." Like, when she was telling my advisor (who was there to observe my lesson) about how "bad" they were today, and mentioned how it was upsetting that she had to resort to yelling her head off, I was thinking that it's really sad that she thinks it's *okay* to yell her head off at kids. Ugh--she's completely intolerable. I'm normally not a violent person, but when she was yelling at the kids today I really truly felt the urge to slap her in the face, strangle her, and tell her what an awful person she is for ruining her students' lives. Honestly. She is a horrible, horrible person, and it angers me to no end that whenever I do an observation at an urban school I'm stuck with teachers that don't know how to teach--they just yell and degrade students. Where are all the good urban art teachers? Why am I stuck with the "do-not" example? I just feel sooooooooooooooooooo bad for her students--especially the kindergarteners. She has completely unrealistic, unhealthy expectations for them. Those kids are sweet as pie, too--they're wonderful children with huge personalities, talent, and creativity. They're lucky to be at a school that offers art class EVERY DAY for a semester. That's what's great about the school I'm placed--it's an arts-orientaed school. You'd think that there'd be a focus on student enrichment and all that jazz, but the teachers are still douchebags who don't know how to manage their classes, my teacher being no exception. Ugh... When she was yelling at the little ones today I really felt bad, though. I was starting to get teary-eyed because I felt so terrible for them that they had to deal with this every day. If you were a sensitive five-year-old and you had to get brutally yelled at every day it'd affect you. And those kids are so so sensitive--it's abusive, really. It's mentally unhealthy for the children to be in such a cold, negative environment. The first and second days I did my observation the kindergarteners were so warm and sweet to me just because I'm one of the few people in their day who gave them respect and treated them lovingly (their homeroom teacher is also a grade-A bitch, who yells at them and has unrealistic expecations as well). The third day I was there they had an awards assembly, and while my cooperating teacher was dealing with supervising a class in the back of the gym, I was watching the little 'uns. I remember sitting behind them at a table, with them on the floor in front of me. They were getting a bit rowdy so I sat down among them to tell them that it'd be a good idea to be quiet because it's respectful, etc. etc. And as soon as I sat down I was submerged in a little sea of children--it's like I had a gravitational pull, an orbit--something that caused the kids to all excitedly sit right by me. It was thrilling that they liked me so much! By the end of the assembly the kids had mostly spread out more, but I was left with two little girls and a little boy who stuck right by my side, practically sitting in my lap and clinging to my sides. They barely knew me, and yet they felt comfortable with me because I treated them like fellow people who deemed respect. Because that's what they are--it's all in the damn golden rule, and it's sad that such a basic concept of "gee, if I treat the kids lovingly they might too!" goes by the wayside with so many teachers.
Ugh.
That, and my lesson didn't go as planned at all.
I don't know if I can do this.
I just thought that the lesson/unit planning homework was the worst part--so much info, etc. It goes beyond that. I was stressed at that point, re-thinking my future. Now I definately am.
I can't do this.
Just teaching one measley little lesson to some third graders was beyond my capability.
So what do I do now? It's too late to change a major, and the only other thing I excel at is art, and while I could definately stand the diet of becoming an artist (seeing as I wouldn't be selling any work...), I don't see it as being feasible in any way.
Ugh... worst day of my life.