I owe an ammends to many....
Paranoid. That's one of many words I can think of when trying to describe myself. For some reason it seems to rip at every part of my insecure being. In many situations it controls me, forces me to hide behind my barrier, allows me to feel even more unwanted than I already do. I've been disappointed with my actions for a long time now. I mean my goal in life is to treat people with respect, to save lives, to be this incredible person who in some way changes the world. I think first, before I take on such a huge task, I should learn how to help those around me first. There are about a million people who I should be there for, whether they are there for me or not. But I haven't been. I've been caught up in my own shit, worrying about things that shouldn't even be questioned. So Lu, I'm sorry. I promise you, I will be there for you more. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance. M-dawg, I'm sorry that I kind of just let our friendship vanish. Us three girls have been together too long to just let that friendship disappear. Babe, I'm sorry for being difficult, which I know I am. I always hoped my actions would speak louder than my words, but for some reason they haven't. I, like many others, have a lot to learn about relationships(in general). Trust is a huge problem of mine. Over the years I have found my comfort zone, behind my wall. Where everyone is distant, and I'm safe. But I've also noticed that that wall of mine makes me loose people who I care about. I'm tired of pushing people away. So to anyone I have ever hurt, I'm sorry. I hope that the people who hate me for some apparent reason, can forgive me for whatever it is I have done. I hope that my friends, the poeple I love, can forgive me for not being there the way I should have. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Peace.