Polarizing Me
The Negation
Today I never felt better, yet yesterday I had never felt worse. It seems I live on a roller-coaster everyday; feeling manic one moment to being super-elated the next. In this entry, I shall talk about my hedonistic ethics. It is the ethic to indulge in anything I find meaningful. Unfortunately, making moral choices has nothing to do with it. Quite simply, on this side I survive by being amoral.
I read before it is a symptom of mild depression when one goes through extreme mood swings. Though, I have a more positive theory to my fragile state. I did allow myself to be like this; I removed all barriers in my mind and allowed thoughts of gloom to fester.
It was supposed to be an experiment; I wanted to see how far I would degenerate if I let society take control of my life. I had to understand how people worked for an ideal (usually money) so industriously, like a plowing buffalo that advances forward whilst having its hide whipped off.
I had to be an unwavering individualist to survive in this capitalist state. I learnt moral ethics that I held so close had to be hidden for me to be accepted. An important concept was not trusting anyone and hurting back ten-fold when offended.
Just the other day, a friend aptly commented I had trust issues. It did snap me back and I promised myself to ponder about it. Over the years, I had practically caged all my thoughts and plodded by in my life.
A comment in Kurt’s suicide note hit me when I was reading it yesterday, “…But since the age of 7, I’ve became hateful towards all humans in general because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy…” I finally understood what he meant; the emotion of empathy sometimes confuses me too. Somehow, I felt it was an attribute of the fallow and weak. I didn’t want to be that.
The Otherside
I came across 2 very different yet engaging concepts recently, ‘The Golden Rule’ & ‘Virtue Ethics’.
‘The Golden Rule’ - “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” - is a very simple principle and universal concept to understand. It is basically taught in every religion and expounded in most ethical principles. Being a schooled Christian, this principle has a great significance in my life. It was a definite moral torch for me and strongly guided me in my youth.
But as I grew up, I subconsciously perverted its use. I began to see those ‘no faces’ and sought to hurt them before they could me. And the basic principle of being good was lost.
‘Virtue Ethics’ is a concept that simplified my being. It is rooted in the thinking of Pluto and Aristotle, and focuses on the individual becoming imbued with virtues (eg, honesty, fairness, truthfulness, benevolence). All of which I secretly aspired, but have lacked sorely.
And yet today, I fail to comprehend Kurt's validity. How I wish I had more empathy. Empathy to care, to open up, and to love.
I think I should bring an end to this experiment and be myself again. I know it wouldn’t be easy to change and forget my negation yet I have to still try. Because in you, I have found a love of a thousand lifetimes.
Today I never felt better, yet yesterday I had never felt worse. It seems I live on a roller-coaster everyday; feeling manic one moment to being super-elated the next. In this entry, I shall talk about my hedonistic ethics. It is the ethic to indulge in anything I find meaningful. Unfortunately, making moral choices has nothing to do with it. Quite simply, on this side I survive by being amoral.
I read before it is a symptom of mild depression when one goes through extreme mood swings. Though, I have a more positive theory to my fragile state. I did allow myself to be like this; I removed all barriers in my mind and allowed thoughts of gloom to fester.
It was supposed to be an experiment; I wanted to see how far I would degenerate if I let society take control of my life. I had to understand how people worked for an ideal (usually money) so industriously, like a plowing buffalo that advances forward whilst having its hide whipped off.
I had to be an unwavering individualist to survive in this capitalist state. I learnt moral ethics that I held so close had to be hidden for me to be accepted. An important concept was not trusting anyone and hurting back ten-fold when offended.
Just the other day, a friend aptly commented I had trust issues. It did snap me back and I promised myself to ponder about it. Over the years, I had practically caged all my thoughts and plodded by in my life.
A comment in Kurt’s suicide note hit me when I was reading it yesterday, “…But since the age of 7, I’ve became hateful towards all humans in general because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy…” I finally understood what he meant; the emotion of empathy sometimes confuses me too. Somehow, I felt it was an attribute of the fallow and weak. I didn’t want to be that.
The Otherside
I came across 2 very different yet engaging concepts recently, ‘The Golden Rule’ & ‘Virtue Ethics’.
‘The Golden Rule’ - “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” - is a very simple principle and universal concept to understand. It is basically taught in every religion and expounded in most ethical principles. Being a schooled Christian, this principle has a great significance in my life. It was a definite moral torch for me and strongly guided me in my youth.
But as I grew up, I subconsciously perverted its use. I began to see those ‘no faces’ and sought to hurt them before they could me. And the basic principle of being good was lost.
‘Virtue Ethics’ is a concept that simplified my being. It is rooted in the thinking of Pluto and Aristotle, and focuses on the individual becoming imbued with virtues (eg, honesty, fairness, truthfulness, benevolence). All of which I secretly aspired, but have lacked sorely.
And yet today, I fail to comprehend Kurt's validity. How I wish I had more empathy. Empathy to care, to open up, and to love.
I think I should bring an end to this experiment and be myself again. I know it wouldn’t be easy to change and forget my negation yet I have to still try. Because in you, I have found a love of a thousand lifetimes.