REVISED final project for creative writing

[soy_un_higado]

if any of you want to read this before next tuesday and let me know if it doesn't suck anymore plz let a brotha know

Mike Newell

The Life of Christopher

“At age six I fell from my bedroom window and onto the hot summer lawn. The grass was dry, arid, scratchy and I felt my entire body erupt in an uncomfortable itch as I writhed in

Comments

[akaiani]

26. Jim erupted -- Again, with the eruptions. Jim cannot erupt because you've already EXHAUSTED eruptions. Eruptions in this story is not nurse slapping. Maybe this is a way to fix this -- a. Everytime you use "erupt" pay very, very, very close attention to details. Show your reader eruption. As it currently stands, they don't see it. b. Don't use the word so often, symbolically tying Chris and Jim together--readers can already see this symbolism, but a word connection can be useful. Just be smart about it.

27. Suggestion: I would be hesitant on ending on the journal entry. Because as the narrator, you only see through the eyes of Jim. And Jim sees the journal. We need a resolution for Jim, even if it is bleak. Maybe you should consider one more paragraph?

Great effort all and all. A bit weird, but that's experimental fiction for you, no? I'm really a fan of these kinds of essays that weave, because honestly, they are hard to do. ESPECIALLY in fiction writing. I think you have some really good prose going on here, and in some places that needs to continue. I think readers would really enjoy that.

Some wrapping up things:
This really reminds me of something Beckett would write. And for that I would just like to ask a few questions:

What IS Jim's motivation for being in this story? I can gather a sense of Chris' belonging, but Jim seems like a character who has given up on life.
I wonder, with Jim being the central character, perhaps you couldgive more investment within his thoughts. Give him some stream of consciousness?

I like how you're trying to make twists and turns in this essay, and how your characters switch places. Kind of neat to see, especially in a 200-level class.

Sorry if this seems a bit much. I hope this doesn't overwhelm you. And it is a 200-level class--so I doubt you'll need much revising for an A/approval from your classmates anyway. I did however want to do this, to this extent, because I hope that you will try to get into 500-level courses (Which you can.) And I hope you will turn out some great stories. I know you're more than capable.

Furthermore, these criticisms--don't worry about them. Especially when writing. Write for yourself first. Don't worry about reactionism (essentially the kind of criticism I gave you.) it will destroy your aesthetic and possibly your motivation to write. Keep true to yourself is what I am saying.

You don't have to listen to all of my suggestions. I actually would be disappointed if you did. But I hope this gives you something to think about if you're reconsidering revising. Always revise a few times is the best suggestion I can give. Don't get hung up on bad criticisms or expectations. Keep writing.