REVISED final project for creative writing

[soy_un_higado]

if any of you want to read this before next tuesday and let me know if it doesn't suck anymore plz let a brotha know

Mike Newell

The Life of Christopher

“At age six I fell from my bedroom window and onto the hot summer lawn. The grass was dry, arid, scratchy and I felt my entire body erupt in an uncomfortable itch as I writhed in

Comments

[akaiani]

As always, don't listen to all of my suggestions. I don't want to put prescribe my own aesthetic on yours. But if these suggestions work for you, well, I guess that's what criticism's for.

Let's do this in chrono-order?

0. Nice opening.

1. I heard her scream “Chris?!” but it felt distant. -- If it felt distant, you need to SHOW the reader how it felt distant. Having her in a nightgown is a good detail, but a BETTER one that could progress BOTH her character and SHOW the distance between her and Chris might be the best economy.

i.e. She barked Chris' name as she was painting her fingernails. -- Not the best, but you know what I mean. Show that she is not invested in this character.

2. In the first paragraph you use the word, or a variant of the word "erupt" twice. Repetition is good, but be aware of when you use it?

3. Praise: Jim found the diary sitting on a booth in a diner in the middle of Nevada. That is a good intro. I wish though, this was present tense. Present tense in creative writing--for most people--heightens lyrical candor, or so says some professors.

4. "and the nightmares he was certain would follow," -- Show. Do not tell.

5. Praise: “someone left this here,” -- I am a fan of minimalist dialogs. It's actually hard to do. People usually butcher this.

6. in a city whose name is unimportant to his story -- If it is not important then you as the author do not need mention to mention its unimportance. This only peaks the reader's interest more. I do not go into the story adamantly wondering where this person lives. I--until this moment--trust you as the narrator to supply me with the necessary details.

7. Crazy praise: He owned a microwave that sat perpetually unplugged in the bottom of his closet, turned on its back and with stacks of dollar bills, coupons and an assortment of pocket change overflowing from its open front. The door of the microwave sat on the opposite side of the room, and collected the overflowing water from a dying indoor plant. -- This is not only good imagery, but it tells us a lot about this Jim Character.

8. Moon as his only companions -- (Word Choice on companions. Be weary about personifying objects. It can get cliché)

9. "Jim awoke to the sun staring him directly in the eyes, twenty minutes late for work." -- Dead sentence. Try going directly into "Still sitting near the window, Jim rubbed his eyes, thankful that he had managed to plunge directly into sleep"

10. Jim thought back to hazy images from the night that could not be entirely called nightmares -- Explinations of nightmares need to come sooner, because this is Jim's primary conflict. As it stands, 3/14 pages in, you're plotless.

11. "In the dream it had almost felt tangible" -- how so?

12. Praise "Jim paused, trying to decide on what words fit next. Julie stood in front of him for a moment, smiled weakly, and with a small wave goodbye retreated to her room." -- This is a nice scene. You should go back into a journal entry after this.

12. "He made his way to the last shower stall and closed the curtain. He removed his clothes, throwing them over the curtain rod, and turned the heat all the way up on the faucet. He felt his skin burn, and saw it turn red. Sighing, he recalled the last entry he read before he’d fallen asleep." -- Believe it or not, I wrote a paragraph almost identical once in a workshop. Some people liked it, but it was then revealed to me that this is the WORST way to go into another paragraph. It's non-active. You should end on the Julie scene. It's more salient.

13. The commute to work had been uneventful and ultimately pointless, as he was fired for tardiness upon arriving -- This might be a good scene. Try expanding it?

14. Riding home on the bus, a homeless man sat in the back humming along and pressing imaginary headphones to his ears. He thought about Christopher -- I fail to see the connection between the homeless and Chris' Journal. You don't have to connect it. I'm just wondering what effect would happen if you were to make some sort of connection