House, ch. 9
Title: When the house falls down (9/13)
Author: sowell
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, sexual situations, general lack of hearts and rainbows, um....melodrama? Also, spoilers up through manga issue 418, both in fic and author's notes. Cheerfully ignores everything post-418, which is rapidly rendering this fic AU.
Genre: Action, adventure, friendship, romance, aaaaaaaaaaaangst
Wordcount: 2,996
Summary: When the house falls down, all that's left is to rebuild. Naruto/Sasuke friendship with subtext-y goodness. Um, that ventures into text-y goodness in several places.
Disclaimer: They belong to Kishimoto-san. I apologize for my extreme western-izing of them.
Author's Note:1) Notes n' notes. 2) Sorry for the mini-hiatus. Is it weird that I was more panicked about potentially losing all my fanfic files than, say, MY SCHOOLWORK? 3) I had to extend this fic by one chapter, due to my inability to shut up. So, this one plus four more. 4) Unbeta'd, feedback makes me smile, etc., etc.
X-posted to sasuxnaru and chuunin
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8
PART III: Konoha
Chapter 9; in which Sasuke loses what's left of his marbles
“I am so bored,” Naruto announces, flopping back dramatically on the leaf-littered ground. “Being dead sucks.”
Sasuke gives him a sidelong glance. “You’re welcome to haunt someone else. I’m sure Sakura’s weeping over your grave as we speak.”
Naruto ignores him. “No girls, no missions, no fighting, no ramen.” He sits back up, glaring. “God, even your team is boring. You’d think four people on a vengeance mission would be a little livelier. Where did you find these guys?”
“They’re not so bad,” he hears himself say. Sasuke gazes at his team, clustered under the trees a few hundred feet away. He’s been doing that a lot in the last few weeks - distancing himself physically. It cuts down on the likelihood that they’ll catch him talking to thin air.
Even now, Karin is worriedly looking in his direction. Juugo is stretched out on the ground a few yards away, resting, and Suigetsu is polishing his precious sword. He absently tosses the discarded rag over his shoulder, hitting Karin square in the face. She jumps angrily to her feet, and they’re off, arguing loudly and viciously.
“Karin’s pretty hot,” Naruto concedes. “Crazy, but hot. Suigetsu, on the other hand - he’s just crazy. Minus the hot part."
Sasuke watches Karin deliver a kick directly to Suigetsu’s head. Suigetsu explodes into water, and Karin screeches.
“What about Juugo?” Sasuke asks. “Seeing how you almost killed him.”
Naruto shrugs. “He’s okay I guess. I just can’t figure out why he’s following you.”
“He thinks I keep his sanity in check.”
Naruto snorts. “Because you’re so sane. Who’s talking to dead people, here?”
“That’s only because you won’t go away,” Sasuke says, frustrated.
“Should I go away?”
Sasuke’s head jerks up. Juugo is standing in front of him, face puzzled. He hadn’t even heard the ninja approach. He looks to the side, but Naruto is gone.
Sasuke takes a deep, steadying breath. “What is it?” he asks calmly.
Juugo is fidgeting. That in and of itself is odd. Juugo is always patient, always quiet and deliberate. Except when he’s trying to murder them all where they stand, of course.
“I - ” he starts, then stops.
Sasuke raises and eyebrow. “Juugo.”
Juugo looks to the side. “I haven’t known you very long,” he says, “and I won’t pretend that we’re friends. Lately, though….”
Sasuke waits him out, feeling the slow, steady thump of his heart beneath his rib cage. Juugo has patience but Sasuke has more, and he’d rather wait forever than encourage Juugo along this particular conversational path.
Juugo searches Sasuke’s face, and when he doesn’t get any response, he just comes right out and says it.
“Your brain is somewhere else, Sasuke-kun. And it’s been like that since you were taken by the squad from Konoha.”
Sasuke studies him, pretending his heart didn’t just do a swan dive in his chest. “Is it my ability to lead the team that you’re concerned about?” he asks calmly.
“Should I be?” Juugo returns, just as calmly, and Sasuke lets his mouth creep up into a ghost of a smirk.
“Are you sure you still want to do this?” Juugo says, and Sasuke has to struggle to keep the mask on his face.
He switches the Sharingan on like a lamp, hoping it will hide some of his turmoil and possibly distract Juugo at the same time. It partially works. Juugo takes a step back, but he doesn’t retreat. Sasuke can see his chakra swirling uncertainly, half-prepared for battle mode.
“Why would you say that?” Sasuke asks coldly.
“I know what you told us,” Juugo says. “The jinchuuriki attacked you, you were forced to kill him, then you came and found us. But since then, you’ve been…”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure that’s all that happened? Nothing else?” Juugo asks quietly.
Sasuke can still see Naruto’s blood coating his hands whenever the sun starts to set. In every pause, he listens to his own heart and thinks about how Naruto’s isn’t beating anymore.
“Nothing,” he says. His voice doesn’t even shake. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?”
Juugo is smarter than most people; he knows when to give up. He reluctantly turns to leave, then turns back at the last second. “The thing I can’t figure out,” he says, “is why the jinchuuriki would attack you. Because, Sasuke-kun, when we fought him the first time, I could have sworn he was trying to protect you.”
Sasuke’s whole body goes cold. Long after Juugo walks away, he’s frozen, staring at the ground.
“Oh I get it,” Naruto says from beside him. “He’s Kakashi - all sneaky and cryptic and stuff. And Karin is Sakura, if Sakura let the village whore dress her. So does that mean the crazy sword guy is me?”
“He’s not annoying enough to be you,” Sasuke snaps, and Naruto scowls.
*
Sasuke can’t help but wonder if Naruto - the real Naruto - might have been on to something. Because the closer he gets to Konoha, the heavier his stomach feels. Half of it is anticipation. This is it; this is the closure he’s been searching for his entire life. He didn’t get it with Itachi, and he didn’t get it with Madara, but surely, this time…
“You’ll have to kill Sakura, you know,” Naruto tells him. “She’s not like she used to be. She won’t just bow out because it’s you. She’ll fight, and you’ll have to murder her, too. Just like you did me.”
Sasuke’s terminally sick of having this argument, but even dead, Naruto is difficult to ignore. “I’ve made my decision,” Sasuke says stiffly.
Naruto rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”
“I have,” Sasuke says, annoyed.
“You’re delusional.”
“You’re dead,” Sasuke replies. “Act like it.”
“I may be dead, but I’m still less delusional than you. How does that feel?”
They travel on the ground to avoid unwanted attention. They’ve been within striking distance of Konoha for weeks now, but Sasuke’s still waiting, waiting, waiting. He’s not sure why he’s stalling. He keeps telling himself it’s to formulate a more solid plan, to give his team enough time to rest, to make sure they’re as prepared as can be.
The truth is, he has the Amaterasu and Konoha doesn’t have a chance. But still he waits, endlessly circling the city, pretending not to notice Suigestsu and Karin exchanging looks behind his back.
Naruto travels in the trees above them, so noisy that Sasuke has to fight back the urge to shush him every couple of miles. A few times he goes to shield Karin from some debris that Naruto has knocked down, only to realize at the last second that Karin can’t be hurt by something that’s happening entirely in his mind.
Naruto is particularly talkative at night, when Sasuke’s trying to sleep. Sasuke thinks he should be irritated by that but, in truth, it’s a relief. Sleep hasn’t been his friend for a while, anyway.
“Hey, do you think they gave me lots of awards and stuff for dying in the field?” Naruto asks one night, propped up on an elbow. “Like, maybe they made me Hokage for a day and put my face on the mountain, just because.”
“Who would want to look at your face every day?” Sasuke asks.
Naruto pauses, considering that. “Well, in case they did, do me a favor and leave that part intact, okay?”
“It’s a little late to ask me for favors, dobe. Exactly which part of my sword going through your heart did you misunderstand?”
“You were my best rival,” Naruto says wistfully. “You were the only one who really got it, you know? What it was like growing up alone. What I felt. It’s hard to let go, I guess.” He smiles sadly. “But you know all about that, right?”
Sasuke wonders if it’s normal to feel such conflicting urges to protect and strangle at the same time. Then he remembers which option he chose, and he stops thinking about it altogether.
He watches Naruto sleep next to him, snoring and drooling, and that’s what finally lulls him into unconsciousness.
*
Suigestsu is the one who finally confronts him. Of course.
“All right, fearless leader,” he says, hands on hips. “I know you’re eccentric, or tortured, or whatever, and Karin seems to think it’s jerk-off worthy, but to me it’s just annoying. Are we fucking attacking or what?”
Sasuke answers his question with the level stare that always makes Karin blush and squirm. Suigetsu just raises his eyebrows impatiently.
“I told you from the beginning,” he says. “I’m with you for one reason, and it has nothing to do with Konoha. I’m willing to indulge your little vendetta in the meantime, but can we get on with it already?”
“Do you have any better ideas?” Sasuke asks impassively, half-hoping Suigetsu will get irritated enough to challenge him.
But Suigestu just flashes his sharp-toothed grin. “Yes. We attack now. Tonight.”
Sasuke surveys the other two members of his team. Karin and Juugo are studiously looking away, but he can feel their attention. They’re all in agreement, he realizes. If he stalls for much longer he may have a mutiny on his hands. Getting a new team at this point wouldn’t be impossible, but it would be highly, highly inconvenient.
Sasuke looks back at Suigetsu and makes his decision. “Three days. We attack then.”
“Finally,” Suigetsu mutters, wandering away. Karin’s and Juugo’s shoulders relax.
“You idiot,” Naruto says.
*
His best friend is dead. He killed his best friend. Naruto is gone, vanished, vanquished, silent, done. Over. Sasuke turns it around and around in his mind, and the pieces bounce off each other, never clicking together.
“It’s because you feel guilty,” Naruto advises him from the other side of the fire. The rest of his teammates are already fast asleep. “You can’t believe I’m gone. You feel awful.”
“Shut up,” Sasuke says. He plays with Naruto’s necklace, turning the stone over and over in his palm, wrapping the cord tightly through his fingers. The fire turns it translucent, warm orange glowing through the jade. Everything is slightly blurry, but that’s nothing new. His eyesight has been unreliable lately, giving out at the most inconvenient moments. He wonders if he’ll still see Naruto when he finally goes blind.
“If you could take it back, you would,” Naruto says confidently. “Because seriously - what now, asshole? Admit it - you always thought I’d be around, chasing you. You thought that even after Konoha was gone I’d still be there, trying to drag you back. You were going to live the rest of your life off that fact alone, weren’t you?”
“Stop talking.”
“Make me,” Naruto says, and Sasuke gives him a baleful look. This is what hell is, he thinks. A Naruto who won’t stop talking and who can’t be punched.
“Maybe you’d feel better if you had told me before you killed me,” Naruto suggests. “How you used to dream about me and Sakura. How hard it was to walk away after the Valley of the End. If I had known, I might have gone about things differently. I might have forgiven you. Hey - you might even be able to forgive yourself.”
“I don’t need forgiveness,” Sasuke says automatically, and Naruto rolls his eyes.
“Right,” he says. “That’s why you’ve been walking around talking to yourself for the last month.” He scoots closer, peering at Sasuke with bright, curious eyes. “Seriously, you don’t look so good,” he says.
Sasuke knows that. Sasuke sees his face in every stream they pass, the black circles under blacker pupils, the tense mouth, the hollowing of his cheeks. He looks more like a ghost than the ghost sitting next to him.
“I can’t sleep,” Sasuke confesses in a low voice.
The real Naruto would never have used that brief show of vulnerability against him. Wouldn’t have understood how. The Naruto of his imagination just raises an eyebrow. “Dreams, huh?” he says. “Fighting or,” he lowers his voice suggestively, “fucking?”
When Sasuke doesn’t respond, Naruto makes a disgusted noise. “Jeez, you’re useless. I think your emo is catching. I’m out of here.”
“Wait,” Sasuke says sharply.
But Naruto’s already gone. Sasuke can hear the timbre of his voice hanging in the air like an echo.
Sasuke closes his eyes and, very deliberately, presses blunted nails into his palms until they draw blood. He must be insane, he thinks. It’s not even a good copy of Naruto. The eyes are too knowing, there’s too much malice in the taunts. But it’s the closest thing there will ever be, ever again.
What had the Kyuubi said? Do not kill Naruto. You will regret it. That damn fox lied. This, Sasuke thinks bitterly, is not regret. He knows regret. Regret is yelling at Sakura, then seeing the hurt well up in her eyes. Regret is the passing scent of stew in the market, remembering his mother at the stove, and realizing that he’ll never see that kitchen again, never return to that home. Regret is mild, fleeting, mundane.
This is not regret. This is slow, acidic insanity eating away at his psyche. This is the questioning of everything he’s ever done, everything he’s ever been. This is searching inside himself and realizing that there’s nothing there. The last bit of Uchiha Sasuke died with Naruto, and all that remains is this hollow purpose, this task that he doesn’t want, that he must do, that he can’t escape from. This is the unending hell of his absolute and sure knowledge that he’ll survive the battle with Konoha. He has no desire to see what’s on the other side.
At least, he thinks darkly, he’s stopped dreaming about Itachi.
*
Sasuke wakes to the touch of steel against his skin.
It’s Suigetsu’s watch, and Sasuke’s eyes dart to the side to see the water ninja propped against a tree, fast asleep. Idiot.
Sasuke doesn’t move. “You have a choice,” he says to his unknown attacker, voice rusty with sleep. “You can back down now and escape with your life, or I can kill you.”
“Oh this is what déjà vu feels like,” says a familiar voice. “Weird.”
Sasuke inhales sharply. It’s not possible. But he turns his head to the side, just enough to see Naruto holding a kunai against his throat.
“Now,” Naruto continues. “That threat stuff might work on some people, but since you’ve already killed me once…”
Sasuke grabs his wrist, easing the knife away from his neck. Naruto makes no move to fight him, just kneels beside him with raised eyebrows and a smirk on his face. Lightning-quick, Sasuke shoves him to the ground and straddles him, one hand grasping both wrists, another around Naruto’s throat.
“Whoever you are, you can drop the act,” he says through gritted teeth. “You’re not Naruto. Naruto’s dead.”
“What’s wrong?” Naruto taunts. “Can’t possibly believe that the great Uchiha heir might have failed at something? Look all you want, Sasuke. I’m me.”
He could use his Sharingan, but Sasuke’s beginning to realize he doesn’t need to. The look in Naruto’s eyes, the smell of him, the feel of him… It’s not a copy. His muscles go rubbery with shock, and Naruto takes the opportunity to ease up on his elbows.
“You should see your face,” Naruto says lightly. “Haven’t you realized it by now? You’re never getting rid of me.”
Sasuke’s hands are shaking. Is that true? he thinks desperately, tracing the planes of Naruto’s face with his eyes. Is that really true?
He touches Naruto’s cheek with trembling fingers, and Naruto slowly smiles. “Naruto?” he whispers.
Very deliberately, like he's trying to avoid startling him, Naruto leans forward and puts his mouth against Sasuke's chest. Sasuke shudders as arousal ricochets through him. The tanned hands reach up to capture Sasuke’s wrists, and Sasuke doesn’t even think about resisting. He doesn’t want to fight this time, he realizes. He just wants to let Naruto have his way, just revel in Naruto’s aliveness.
Naruto’s hands go around his back, and Sasuke tightens his grip on Naruto’s shoulders. It shouldn’t be this easy; there are things to say and apologies to make. There’s still so much to fight about…
It doesn’t matter. Naruto shoves him gently back, and Sasuke goes with it, gazing up into sky-hued eyes.
“It’s okay,” Naruto says, touching his face. “Just let me.” His blonde head disappears as he turns his attention lower, and a moment later, Sasuke registers the wet warmth of Naruto’s mouth slide around him. He hisses, feeling his heels grinding into the dirt, feeling the crunchy-soft strands of Naruto’s hair drifting through his fingers.
Alive, he keeps telling himself. Alive, alive, alive. I didn’t kill him. He’s here, and he says he’s not leaving. He says it’s okay, and I believe him. I want to believe him. I need…
The gentle sucking motions stop. Naruto puts a hand in the center of Sasuke’s chest, levering himself upward. Sasuke looks up to see Itachi’s face, eyes spinning dangerously above an uncharacteristic smile.
“Hey Sasuke,” Itachi says in Naruto’s voice. “Wake up.”
Sasuke’s breath leaves him as the knife slashes across his throat.
*
Sasuke rockets upright, gasping for air. Suigetsu’s sitting cross-legged by the fire, and he looks over with mild interest in his pale eyes.
“Sounds like a hell of a dream,” he remarks. “Feel like sharing?”
Sasuke puts a hand over his heart, feels it racing at twice the normal speed. The emptiness hits him like a fist, and he barely suppresses the whimper that threatens to break past his lips. He turns away from Suigetsu, laying back down and bringing his knees into his chest to make the awful twisting go away. The fire is crackling steadily at his back, but the shivers won’t stop racing through him.
His heart rate slows, but it doesn’t stop. It keeps beating in an endless rhythm, counting out the night.
Please, he thinks, closing his eyes. Make it stop.
Chapter 10
Author: sowell
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, sexual situations, general lack of hearts and rainbows, um....melodrama? Also, spoilers up through manga issue 418, both in fic and author's notes. Cheerfully ignores everything post-418, which is rapidly rendering this fic AU.
Genre: Action, adventure, friendship, romance, aaaaaaaaaaaangst
Wordcount: 2,996
Summary: When the house falls down, all that's left is to rebuild. Naruto/Sasuke friendship with subtext-y goodness. Um, that ventures into text-y goodness in several places.
Disclaimer: They belong to Kishimoto-san. I apologize for my extreme western-izing of them.
Author's Note:1) Notes n' notes. 2) Sorry for the mini-hiatus. Is it weird that I was more panicked about potentially losing all my fanfic files than, say, MY SCHOOLWORK? 3) I had to extend this fic by one chapter, due to my inability to shut up. So, this one plus four more. 4) Unbeta'd, feedback makes me smile, etc., etc.
X-posted to sasuxnaru and chuunin
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8
PART III: Konoha
Chapter 9; in which Sasuke loses what's left of his marbles
“I am so bored,” Naruto announces, flopping back dramatically on the leaf-littered ground. “Being dead sucks.”
Sasuke gives him a sidelong glance. “You’re welcome to haunt someone else. I’m sure Sakura’s weeping over your grave as we speak.”
Naruto ignores him. “No girls, no missions, no fighting, no ramen.” He sits back up, glaring. “God, even your team is boring. You’d think four people on a vengeance mission would be a little livelier. Where did you find these guys?”
“They’re not so bad,” he hears himself say. Sasuke gazes at his team, clustered under the trees a few hundred feet away. He’s been doing that a lot in the last few weeks - distancing himself physically. It cuts down on the likelihood that they’ll catch him talking to thin air.
Even now, Karin is worriedly looking in his direction. Juugo is stretched out on the ground a few yards away, resting, and Suigetsu is polishing his precious sword. He absently tosses the discarded rag over his shoulder, hitting Karin square in the face. She jumps angrily to her feet, and they’re off, arguing loudly and viciously.
“Karin’s pretty hot,” Naruto concedes. “Crazy, but hot. Suigetsu, on the other hand - he’s just crazy. Minus the hot part."
Sasuke watches Karin deliver a kick directly to Suigetsu’s head. Suigetsu explodes into water, and Karin screeches.
“What about Juugo?” Sasuke asks. “Seeing how you almost killed him.”
Naruto shrugs. “He’s okay I guess. I just can’t figure out why he’s following you.”
“He thinks I keep his sanity in check.”
Naruto snorts. “Because you’re so sane. Who’s talking to dead people, here?”
“That’s only because you won’t go away,” Sasuke says, frustrated.
“Should I go away?”
Sasuke’s head jerks up. Juugo is standing in front of him, face puzzled. He hadn’t even heard the ninja approach. He looks to the side, but Naruto is gone.
Sasuke takes a deep, steadying breath. “What is it?” he asks calmly.
Juugo is fidgeting. That in and of itself is odd. Juugo is always patient, always quiet and deliberate. Except when he’s trying to murder them all where they stand, of course.
“I - ” he starts, then stops.
Sasuke raises and eyebrow. “Juugo.”
Juugo looks to the side. “I haven’t known you very long,” he says, “and I won’t pretend that we’re friends. Lately, though….”
Sasuke waits him out, feeling the slow, steady thump of his heart beneath his rib cage. Juugo has patience but Sasuke has more, and he’d rather wait forever than encourage Juugo along this particular conversational path.
Juugo searches Sasuke’s face, and when he doesn’t get any response, he just comes right out and says it.
“Your brain is somewhere else, Sasuke-kun. And it’s been like that since you were taken by the squad from Konoha.”
Sasuke studies him, pretending his heart didn’t just do a swan dive in his chest. “Is it my ability to lead the team that you’re concerned about?” he asks calmly.
“Should I be?” Juugo returns, just as calmly, and Sasuke lets his mouth creep up into a ghost of a smirk.
“Are you sure you still want to do this?” Juugo says, and Sasuke has to struggle to keep the mask on his face.
He switches the Sharingan on like a lamp, hoping it will hide some of his turmoil and possibly distract Juugo at the same time. It partially works. Juugo takes a step back, but he doesn’t retreat. Sasuke can see his chakra swirling uncertainly, half-prepared for battle mode.
“Why would you say that?” Sasuke asks coldly.
“I know what you told us,” Juugo says. “The jinchuuriki attacked you, you were forced to kill him, then you came and found us. But since then, you’ve been…”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure that’s all that happened? Nothing else?” Juugo asks quietly.
Sasuke can still see Naruto’s blood coating his hands whenever the sun starts to set. In every pause, he listens to his own heart and thinks about how Naruto’s isn’t beating anymore.
“Nothing,” he says. His voice doesn’t even shake. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?”
Juugo is smarter than most people; he knows when to give up. He reluctantly turns to leave, then turns back at the last second. “The thing I can’t figure out,” he says, “is why the jinchuuriki would attack you. Because, Sasuke-kun, when we fought him the first time, I could have sworn he was trying to protect you.”
Sasuke’s whole body goes cold. Long after Juugo walks away, he’s frozen, staring at the ground.
“Oh I get it,” Naruto says from beside him. “He’s Kakashi - all sneaky and cryptic and stuff. And Karin is Sakura, if Sakura let the village whore dress her. So does that mean the crazy sword guy is me?”
“He’s not annoying enough to be you,” Sasuke snaps, and Naruto scowls.
*
Sasuke can’t help but wonder if Naruto - the real Naruto - might have been on to something. Because the closer he gets to Konoha, the heavier his stomach feels. Half of it is anticipation. This is it; this is the closure he’s been searching for his entire life. He didn’t get it with Itachi, and he didn’t get it with Madara, but surely, this time…
“You’ll have to kill Sakura, you know,” Naruto tells him. “She’s not like she used to be. She won’t just bow out because it’s you. She’ll fight, and you’ll have to murder her, too. Just like you did me.”
Sasuke’s terminally sick of having this argument, but even dead, Naruto is difficult to ignore. “I’ve made my decision,” Sasuke says stiffly.
Naruto rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”
“I have,” Sasuke says, annoyed.
“You’re delusional.”
“You’re dead,” Sasuke replies. “Act like it.”
“I may be dead, but I’m still less delusional than you. How does that feel?”
They travel on the ground to avoid unwanted attention. They’ve been within striking distance of Konoha for weeks now, but Sasuke’s still waiting, waiting, waiting. He’s not sure why he’s stalling. He keeps telling himself it’s to formulate a more solid plan, to give his team enough time to rest, to make sure they’re as prepared as can be.
The truth is, he has the Amaterasu and Konoha doesn’t have a chance. But still he waits, endlessly circling the city, pretending not to notice Suigestsu and Karin exchanging looks behind his back.
Naruto travels in the trees above them, so noisy that Sasuke has to fight back the urge to shush him every couple of miles. A few times he goes to shield Karin from some debris that Naruto has knocked down, only to realize at the last second that Karin can’t be hurt by something that’s happening entirely in his mind.
Naruto is particularly talkative at night, when Sasuke’s trying to sleep. Sasuke thinks he should be irritated by that but, in truth, it’s a relief. Sleep hasn’t been his friend for a while, anyway.
“Hey, do you think they gave me lots of awards and stuff for dying in the field?” Naruto asks one night, propped up on an elbow. “Like, maybe they made me Hokage for a day and put my face on the mountain, just because.”
“Who would want to look at your face every day?” Sasuke asks.
Naruto pauses, considering that. “Well, in case they did, do me a favor and leave that part intact, okay?”
“It’s a little late to ask me for favors, dobe. Exactly which part of my sword going through your heart did you misunderstand?”
“You were my best rival,” Naruto says wistfully. “You were the only one who really got it, you know? What it was like growing up alone. What I felt. It’s hard to let go, I guess.” He smiles sadly. “But you know all about that, right?”
Sasuke wonders if it’s normal to feel such conflicting urges to protect and strangle at the same time. Then he remembers which option he chose, and he stops thinking about it altogether.
He watches Naruto sleep next to him, snoring and drooling, and that’s what finally lulls him into unconsciousness.
*
Suigestsu is the one who finally confronts him. Of course.
“All right, fearless leader,” he says, hands on hips. “I know you’re eccentric, or tortured, or whatever, and Karin seems to think it’s jerk-off worthy, but to me it’s just annoying. Are we fucking attacking or what?”
Sasuke answers his question with the level stare that always makes Karin blush and squirm. Suigetsu just raises his eyebrows impatiently.
“I told you from the beginning,” he says. “I’m with you for one reason, and it has nothing to do with Konoha. I’m willing to indulge your little vendetta in the meantime, but can we get on with it already?”
“Do you have any better ideas?” Sasuke asks impassively, half-hoping Suigetsu will get irritated enough to challenge him.
But Suigestu just flashes his sharp-toothed grin. “Yes. We attack now. Tonight.”
Sasuke surveys the other two members of his team. Karin and Juugo are studiously looking away, but he can feel their attention. They’re all in agreement, he realizes. If he stalls for much longer he may have a mutiny on his hands. Getting a new team at this point wouldn’t be impossible, but it would be highly, highly inconvenient.
Sasuke looks back at Suigetsu and makes his decision. “Three days. We attack then.”
“Finally,” Suigetsu mutters, wandering away. Karin’s and Juugo’s shoulders relax.
“You idiot,” Naruto says.
*
His best friend is dead. He killed his best friend. Naruto is gone, vanished, vanquished, silent, done. Over. Sasuke turns it around and around in his mind, and the pieces bounce off each other, never clicking together.
“It’s because you feel guilty,” Naruto advises him from the other side of the fire. The rest of his teammates are already fast asleep. “You can’t believe I’m gone. You feel awful.”
“Shut up,” Sasuke says. He plays with Naruto’s necklace, turning the stone over and over in his palm, wrapping the cord tightly through his fingers. The fire turns it translucent, warm orange glowing through the jade. Everything is slightly blurry, but that’s nothing new. His eyesight has been unreliable lately, giving out at the most inconvenient moments. He wonders if he’ll still see Naruto when he finally goes blind.
“If you could take it back, you would,” Naruto says confidently. “Because seriously - what now, asshole? Admit it - you always thought I’d be around, chasing you. You thought that even after Konoha was gone I’d still be there, trying to drag you back. You were going to live the rest of your life off that fact alone, weren’t you?”
“Stop talking.”
“Make me,” Naruto says, and Sasuke gives him a baleful look. This is what hell is, he thinks. A Naruto who won’t stop talking and who can’t be punched.
“Maybe you’d feel better if you had told me before you killed me,” Naruto suggests. “How you used to dream about me and Sakura. How hard it was to walk away after the Valley of the End. If I had known, I might have gone about things differently. I might have forgiven you. Hey - you might even be able to forgive yourself.”
“I don’t need forgiveness,” Sasuke says automatically, and Naruto rolls his eyes.
“Right,” he says. “That’s why you’ve been walking around talking to yourself for the last month.” He scoots closer, peering at Sasuke with bright, curious eyes. “Seriously, you don’t look so good,” he says.
Sasuke knows that. Sasuke sees his face in every stream they pass, the black circles under blacker pupils, the tense mouth, the hollowing of his cheeks. He looks more like a ghost than the ghost sitting next to him.
“I can’t sleep,” Sasuke confesses in a low voice.
The real Naruto would never have used that brief show of vulnerability against him. Wouldn’t have understood how. The Naruto of his imagination just raises an eyebrow. “Dreams, huh?” he says. “Fighting or,” he lowers his voice suggestively, “fucking?”
When Sasuke doesn’t respond, Naruto makes a disgusted noise. “Jeez, you’re useless. I think your emo is catching. I’m out of here.”
“Wait,” Sasuke says sharply.
But Naruto’s already gone. Sasuke can hear the timbre of his voice hanging in the air like an echo.
Sasuke closes his eyes and, very deliberately, presses blunted nails into his palms until they draw blood. He must be insane, he thinks. It’s not even a good copy of Naruto. The eyes are too knowing, there’s too much malice in the taunts. But it’s the closest thing there will ever be, ever again.
What had the Kyuubi said? Do not kill Naruto. You will regret it. That damn fox lied. This, Sasuke thinks bitterly, is not regret. He knows regret. Regret is yelling at Sakura, then seeing the hurt well up in her eyes. Regret is the passing scent of stew in the market, remembering his mother at the stove, and realizing that he’ll never see that kitchen again, never return to that home. Regret is mild, fleeting, mundane.
This is not regret. This is slow, acidic insanity eating away at his psyche. This is the questioning of everything he’s ever done, everything he’s ever been. This is searching inside himself and realizing that there’s nothing there. The last bit of Uchiha Sasuke died with Naruto, and all that remains is this hollow purpose, this task that he doesn’t want, that he must do, that he can’t escape from. This is the unending hell of his absolute and sure knowledge that he’ll survive the battle with Konoha. He has no desire to see what’s on the other side.
At least, he thinks darkly, he’s stopped dreaming about Itachi.
*
Sasuke wakes to the touch of steel against his skin.
It’s Suigetsu’s watch, and Sasuke’s eyes dart to the side to see the water ninja propped against a tree, fast asleep. Idiot.
Sasuke doesn’t move. “You have a choice,” he says to his unknown attacker, voice rusty with sleep. “You can back down now and escape with your life, or I can kill you.”
“Oh this is what déjà vu feels like,” says a familiar voice. “Weird.”
Sasuke inhales sharply. It’s not possible. But he turns his head to the side, just enough to see Naruto holding a kunai against his throat.
“Now,” Naruto continues. “That threat stuff might work on some people, but since you’ve already killed me once…”
Sasuke grabs his wrist, easing the knife away from his neck. Naruto makes no move to fight him, just kneels beside him with raised eyebrows and a smirk on his face. Lightning-quick, Sasuke shoves him to the ground and straddles him, one hand grasping both wrists, another around Naruto’s throat.
“Whoever you are, you can drop the act,” he says through gritted teeth. “You’re not Naruto. Naruto’s dead.”
“What’s wrong?” Naruto taunts. “Can’t possibly believe that the great Uchiha heir might have failed at something? Look all you want, Sasuke. I’m me.”
He could use his Sharingan, but Sasuke’s beginning to realize he doesn’t need to. The look in Naruto’s eyes, the smell of him, the feel of him… It’s not a copy. His muscles go rubbery with shock, and Naruto takes the opportunity to ease up on his elbows.
“You should see your face,” Naruto says lightly. “Haven’t you realized it by now? You’re never getting rid of me.”
Sasuke’s hands are shaking. Is that true? he thinks desperately, tracing the planes of Naruto’s face with his eyes. Is that really true?
He touches Naruto’s cheek with trembling fingers, and Naruto slowly smiles. “Naruto?” he whispers.
Very deliberately, like he's trying to avoid startling him, Naruto leans forward and puts his mouth against Sasuke's chest. Sasuke shudders as arousal ricochets through him. The tanned hands reach up to capture Sasuke’s wrists, and Sasuke doesn’t even think about resisting. He doesn’t want to fight this time, he realizes. He just wants to let Naruto have his way, just revel in Naruto’s aliveness.
Naruto’s hands go around his back, and Sasuke tightens his grip on Naruto’s shoulders. It shouldn’t be this easy; there are things to say and apologies to make. There’s still so much to fight about…
It doesn’t matter. Naruto shoves him gently back, and Sasuke goes with it, gazing up into sky-hued eyes.
“It’s okay,” Naruto says, touching his face. “Just let me.” His blonde head disappears as he turns his attention lower, and a moment later, Sasuke registers the wet warmth of Naruto’s mouth slide around him. He hisses, feeling his heels grinding into the dirt, feeling the crunchy-soft strands of Naruto’s hair drifting through his fingers.
Alive, he keeps telling himself. Alive, alive, alive. I didn’t kill him. He’s here, and he says he’s not leaving. He says it’s okay, and I believe him. I want to believe him. I need…
The gentle sucking motions stop. Naruto puts a hand in the center of Sasuke’s chest, levering himself upward. Sasuke looks up to see Itachi’s face, eyes spinning dangerously above an uncharacteristic smile.
“Hey Sasuke,” Itachi says in Naruto’s voice. “Wake up.”
Sasuke’s breath leaves him as the knife slashes across his throat.
*
Sasuke rockets upright, gasping for air. Suigetsu’s sitting cross-legged by the fire, and he looks over with mild interest in his pale eyes.
“Sounds like a hell of a dream,” he remarks. “Feel like sharing?”
Sasuke puts a hand over his heart, feels it racing at twice the normal speed. The emptiness hits him like a fist, and he barely suppresses the whimper that threatens to break past his lips. He turns away from Suigetsu, laying back down and bringing his knees into his chest to make the awful twisting go away. The fire is crackling steadily at his back, but the shivers won’t stop racing through him.
His heart rate slows, but it doesn’t stop. It keeps beating in an endless rhythm, counting out the night.
Please, he thinks, closing his eyes. Make it stop.
Chapter 10