bleh
i'm writing this on 5 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours, so bear with me.
my grandma is really sick and in the hospital. i was there til 5am on monday, i'll be there tonight. she knows she's dying, she keeps telling us. she also keeps praying. shes using an oxygen mask instead of a breathing tube so she can still talk to us, but she keeps trying to take it off and we keep telling her not to but she doesnt listen. she took it off for a second and then we got it back on but her heart rate dropped to 37 beats a minute and she couldn't talk. she had gotten too muuch morphine too, so they had to give her something really fast to counteract it. once she took that, she woke up and started looking around and i was the only one in the room at the time. i was sitting on the chair next to the bed and holding her hand and she grabbed my hand and looked at me and she looked like she knew she was going to die any second and machines were going off all around her and she kept her eyes on mine and i kept saying over and over again that i loved her and she understood i think.
doctors came running in and managed to get her pulse up, so it was ok, but i have never been so scared in my life.
so i dont know how much longer this is going to go on, or anything. i'm just really scared.
i keep having nightmares about the car hitting me and waking up sweating and a couple times, yelling. the accident actually mad eme lose some memory, like of where things are in my town and stuff. and my scar keeps hurting a lot whenever i get nervous or anxious about anything. i dont know when thats going to go away. i wish i could stop thinking about it, but it keeps replaying.
for some reason, i've never felt more lonely in my life, and i can't make that feeling go away.
(sorry to force this entry on anyone who has the misfortune of reading it)
my grandma is really sick and in the hospital. i was there til 5am on monday, i'll be there tonight. she knows she's dying, she keeps telling us. she also keeps praying. shes using an oxygen mask instead of a breathing tube so she can still talk to us, but she keeps trying to take it off and we keep telling her not to but she doesnt listen. she took it off for a second and then we got it back on but her heart rate dropped to 37 beats a minute and she couldn't talk. she had gotten too muuch morphine too, so they had to give her something really fast to counteract it. once she took that, she woke up and started looking around and i was the only one in the room at the time. i was sitting on the chair next to the bed and holding her hand and she grabbed my hand and looked at me and she looked like she knew she was going to die any second and machines were going off all around her and she kept her eyes on mine and i kept saying over and over again that i loved her and she understood i think.
doctors came running in and managed to get her pulse up, so it was ok, but i have never been so scared in my life.
so i dont know how much longer this is going to go on, or anything. i'm just really scared.
i keep having nightmares about the car hitting me and waking up sweating and a couple times, yelling. the accident actually mad eme lose some memory, like of where things are in my town and stuff. and my scar keeps hurting a lot whenever i get nervous or anxious about anything. i dont know when thats going to go away. i wish i could stop thinking about it, but it keeps replaying.
for some reason, i've never felt more lonely in my life, and i can't make that feeling go away.
(sorry to force this entry on anyone who has the misfortune of reading it)