(no subject)
Whether or not I imagined this or not, I find this saying interesting, "The first step towards intelligence is realizing how stupid you are." Or at least some variation on that. I butcher that which I repeat to sound pretentious. I think that's what gives me away. Right now I imagine that someone is reading this and thinking to themselves "This guy is stupid, he can't even maintain the focus of his opening statements." But I want you to know that I am aware of my unintelligence. It's a long road, though.
It was when I was thinking about if it was possible and how I could manage to somehow increase my intelligence that I got the sudden urge to go into my basement and watch the SciFi miniseries Dune. My small lapse in focus made me realize the dichotomy of mental abilites when I am medicated and when I am not medicated.
The best and most generalized analogy that I can come up with is that of a manual transmission car. Without my adderall I am stuck in fifth gear. On great distances of flatlands, my mind soars and does things that surprise me. I make mental connections that I can't effectively trace. I know I came up with the answer and the answer is right, but beyond that, I have no idea how it was made. But, if there is any inclination, or challenge that requires mental effort, I lose speed and start to crap out. I can't do it. Anything that requires a significant amount of focus becomes impossible to complete entirely. It's why I did so horribly in school for so long. Focusing for me was like trying to pick up an object telekinetically. There is no dimension for effort to be put. No matter how badly you want to pick it up, or how hard you were willing to try, you just couldn't do it. It wasn't that it was just really, really hard, it was impossible. Suddenly the word disorder carries so much more weight. Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder Inattentive. I am handicapped without my meds. I am more creative though. Also, I experience things on a different level. I remember listening to certain song time after time after time, all on my meds. I loved the song. Then, I listened to the song without them. I was on the way to the airport, and I hadn't taken the adderall so I could sleep on the plane. I hit play on the mp3 player and the song started. I listened to it as if I had never listened to it before. It came alive to me. Every note, every melody had new meaning. I could feel myself reacting to the song emotionally, something I don't do very often (plus, the song was instrumental). There were moments that I could swear I was actually tasting the song. It was something like taste, I can't describe it. It could have been that I was tired, I'm not sure. I can't ignore it, though. I can actually read more naturally and write more flowingly. I just can't focus it. I will start to read, then I'll read a word that reminds me of something else, and my mind will start to wander. I'll dissociate so much, I'll realize that I've just moved my eyes over each word and line for three or four pages without understanding or being able to remember any of it. On the meds, my eyes seem to stumble over the words. I'll realize that I read something incorrectly when it doesn't make sense, and have to go back again. I read slowly, but I actually understand it. I remember it.
With the meds, I can only drive in first and second gear. I don't move nearly as fast, but I can conquer the hills. It gives me the ability to accomplish things. I am no longer at the mercy of whatever the hell pops into my mind. I can relate things, make mental connections, and have more realizations, but they are things that feel unnatural. It feels like something that I have to mentally manufacture in order to accomplish. There are wierd side effects, too. I have a hard time understanding words. In songs, movies, even when talking to people in restaraunts, I have a significantly harder time understanding what people are saying. When I saw Batman Begins, I was medicated. There were a few lines of dialogue that I just could not figure out. I could hear them fine, I could even remember them phoenetically, and could go over the sound of the words in my mind. I just couldn't get it. I saw the movie again, not medicated, and the same line was perfectly clear. I was reluctant to believe that it was the same line at all. I just couldn't get it.
Well, I'm tired, I have to go to the bathroom, and I feel like I've explained enough. My only guess as to what inspired this is my sense of vanity. On that note, good night. Also, if you havn't figured this out yet, when I write entries, they are always one steady stream of consciousness. No editing is done beyond whatever the sentence I just finished was. I don't really have a good idea of where it's going to go, either. I think at least that part is obvious.
I'm done.
It was when I was thinking about if it was possible and how I could manage to somehow increase my intelligence that I got the sudden urge to go into my basement and watch the SciFi miniseries Dune. My small lapse in focus made me realize the dichotomy of mental abilites when I am medicated and when I am not medicated.
The best and most generalized analogy that I can come up with is that of a manual transmission car. Without my adderall I am stuck in fifth gear. On great distances of flatlands, my mind soars and does things that surprise me. I make mental connections that I can't effectively trace. I know I came up with the answer and the answer is right, but beyond that, I have no idea how it was made. But, if there is any inclination, or challenge that requires mental effort, I lose speed and start to crap out. I can't do it. Anything that requires a significant amount of focus becomes impossible to complete entirely. It's why I did so horribly in school for so long. Focusing for me was like trying to pick up an object telekinetically. There is no dimension for effort to be put. No matter how badly you want to pick it up, or how hard you were willing to try, you just couldn't do it. It wasn't that it was just really, really hard, it was impossible. Suddenly the word disorder carries so much more weight. Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder Inattentive. I am handicapped without my meds. I am more creative though. Also, I experience things on a different level. I remember listening to certain song time after time after time, all on my meds. I loved the song. Then, I listened to the song without them. I was on the way to the airport, and I hadn't taken the adderall so I could sleep on the plane. I hit play on the mp3 player and the song started. I listened to it as if I had never listened to it before. It came alive to me. Every note, every melody had new meaning. I could feel myself reacting to the song emotionally, something I don't do very often (plus, the song was instrumental). There were moments that I could swear I was actually tasting the song. It was something like taste, I can't describe it. It could have been that I was tired, I'm not sure. I can't ignore it, though. I can actually read more naturally and write more flowingly. I just can't focus it. I will start to read, then I'll read a word that reminds me of something else, and my mind will start to wander. I'll dissociate so much, I'll realize that I've just moved my eyes over each word and line for three or four pages without understanding or being able to remember any of it. On the meds, my eyes seem to stumble over the words. I'll realize that I read something incorrectly when it doesn't make sense, and have to go back again. I read slowly, but I actually understand it. I remember it.
With the meds, I can only drive in first and second gear. I don't move nearly as fast, but I can conquer the hills. It gives me the ability to accomplish things. I am no longer at the mercy of whatever the hell pops into my mind. I can relate things, make mental connections, and have more realizations, but they are things that feel unnatural. It feels like something that I have to mentally manufacture in order to accomplish. There are wierd side effects, too. I have a hard time understanding words. In songs, movies, even when talking to people in restaraunts, I have a significantly harder time understanding what people are saying. When I saw Batman Begins, I was medicated. There were a few lines of dialogue that I just could not figure out. I could hear them fine, I could even remember them phoenetically, and could go over the sound of the words in my mind. I just couldn't get it. I saw the movie again, not medicated, and the same line was perfectly clear. I was reluctant to believe that it was the same line at all. I just couldn't get it.
Well, I'm tired, I have to go to the bathroom, and I feel like I've explained enough. My only guess as to what inspired this is my sense of vanity. On that note, good night. Also, if you havn't figured this out yet, when I write entries, they are always one steady stream of consciousness. No editing is done beyond whatever the sentence I just finished was. I don't really have a good idea of where it's going to go, either. I think at least that part is obvious.
I'm done.